Only You Suffice

2012

2012-01-02T21:56:00.000-06:00

This isn't going to be the post you think it is.

I'm not making resolutions.

I'm just continuing.

Continuing to pursue God.
Continuing to strive to follow where He leads.
Continuing to simplify my life to bring it back to the basics of the Gospel.

And I am expecting big things from 2012.
Because God's faithfulness in 2011 completely blew me away.

A few things that I am anticipating this year:

Meeting my precious niece in April!
Graduating from my sonography program in May.
Finding a full-time job shortly after graduation.
Moving out on my own.

As exciting as these things are, it can be sort of overwhelming to look at all the changes happening at once.

The good news is that this year will happen one day at a time.

And that gives me the ability to daily seek God's face.

For His guidance, His plan, and His glory.

Bring on 2012!

Decluttering

2011-12-14T12:36:00.000-06:00

I have a couple of confessions I'd like to make.

One: I've been really bad about updating. Sorry (but not really!).
Two: My life feels like a complete mess. For Real.
Three: I'm a sentimental pack-rat.

So now you're probably wondering why I chose those three things.

One: Well, a detailed life update just probably isn't going to happen anytime soon. Recently, I have felt like too much of my life has been on display, and it makes me want to shrivel into a shell again.
Two: I rarely have time to pull myself together. Busy life schedule, relationships, leading a Bible Study, school, and potential dating opportunities have left me with a panic-y feeling that results in my mind always thinking, always on the alert, and I just flat out don't have time to get organized.
Three: I live at home...in the room I had in high school (which has been over for 6+ years). While it has been a humongous blessing to be able to 'crash' to pull one area of my life together (my career), I have literally just been living around my old high school things for almost 20 months now.

These things are related, I promise!

Currently, I am on a break from classes and clinic - which normally makes me feel extremely bored and worthless. For the last 11 months, I have been constantly on the go. I didn't really get any breaks from studying because during my breaks from school, I was studying for a couple of different standardized tests. Needless to say, I've been busy.

I'm very thankful for this break. It's a great opportunity to begin the cleaning process for my life. I'm attempting to declutter.

When I graduate in May, if all works out to plan, I will be looking for a full-time job shortly after, and I will indeed be moving out of my high school bedroom. It will indeed be the last time I live here in this house (for the second time!). As a result, my mom has informed me that anything I leave behind is fair game for her to do away with.

EEEEK! This is where the pack-rat in me begins to hyperventilate.

So I've begun to research how to declutter. And these are my tactics to ~~hopefully~~ finally rid my life of unnecessary objects:

Has it been used in the last 6 months?
Could someone else benefit from the use of the object?
3 piles: Donate, Toss, or Keep.

It's definitely far from perfect, but it's a start. And since I plan on taking this desk with me, I might just want to start there. Here goes nothing.

The Eve of MCAT #3

2011-08-18T17:32:00.001-05:00

This afternoon, I'm a little overwhelmed.

You see, I took the MCAT #1 in April 2008.
I took MCAT #2 in April 2011.
I'm taking MCAT #3 tomorrow.

After leaving clinic, I sent out a desperate text to some friends. "I could maybe use some words of encouragement right about now if you have any..." I said.

This summer has been crazy.

I've been in clinic 4 days a week, 32 hours each week, plus about 2 hours commute time each day.
I had a 15-page (16.5 pages!) pathology research paper to research and write.
I had a 15-minute presentation to prepare about above research paper.
I have been working on my Med School essays off and on.
I tried to have at least one "fun activity" a week...for sanity's sake.
And finally, trying to study for MCAT #3.

So one could say I've had my hands full. I've barely had time to get sleep. Well, okay, I've slept. But I've also been dozing while observing in the clinic...they have dark rooms for ultrasounds, okay?

Well, I wanted to share some of the responses I got this afternoon. Some of them definitely brought tears to my eyes. Maybe they will encourage someone else too :)

"The Lord always has a better plan in mind than our own, even if we don't see the beauty of it until much later...."

"Sometimes feeling out of control is good, as giving up control to Him in the first place is what's so hard."

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

"Psalm 16:11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

"Habakkuk 3:19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feel like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights."

"Be confident in His calling..."

"Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

I have some awesome friends. Don't you think so? I know God has blessed my life beyond belief.

Recently, I've been studying through Philippians with my accountability partner, J. She and I are studying one chapter a week, making it a point to read the whole chapter every day and journal about God is teaching us through that chapter. To meditate on His Word. And to understand it. Both of us have really enjoyed this study plan. It's made it a lot easier to apply these lessons because of the repetition. Didn't get it the first time? Don't worry! The second time you'll get it.

Anyway, we started on chapter 3 this week. Paul is writing to the Philippians from prison. So far, there have been several verses that stuck out to me.

3 "...put no confidence in the flesh..."
7-9 "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith..."

So if Paul can say that all things are rubbish from prison, then this MCAT test is rubbish compared to knowing Christ. And I'm claiming that fact. I am more willing to follow where God has been leading if that is where He wants me. I'm not interested in doing things for the sake of getting recognition. I'm seeking after God's will here.

So let it be.

Music

2011-08-05T14:26:00.000-05:00

Music has had an increasingly important role in the way I worship. Recently, there have been several songs that just speak volumes about the truth that I believe with my whole heart.

I want to share them with you!

First, "To Know Your Name" was stuck in my head all week long. It's amazing:

I love how the lyrics are the Gospel of Christ. It's such a humbling reminder of how BIG He is and how small we are.

Second, "You Won't Relent" is addicting:

I love how it talks about how our God is a jealous God - He will continue to pursue us until He has our whole heart, one that is not led astray by idols in this world.

Third, "Lead Me to the Cross":

This one speaks about how life is about remembering what happened at the cross. Without Jesus' sacrifice there, I would not be who I am. I would not know my purpose in this life. I would be lost. This song serves as a gentle reminder of what the cross means for the transformation that takes place for those who believe in Jesus.

Anyway, this post seems random. But I'm loving today - being able to sit and listen to my 7 hours of worship playlist and just study. It's a good time to remember my purpose and that the things I am pursuing are not only temporary, but that they are for the cause of the glory of God. May I always seek to pursue the One who saved my soul!

my restless soul...

2011-07-23T18:27:00.000-05:00

...craves adventure.

My best friend Leslie arrived back home today after being in a very foreign country for over a year. In her return, I am so thankful to be able to give her big hugs and not have to look at a computer screen to see her smile. I can finally pick up a phone and call her. And not worry about time differences. This next month is going to be exciting!

However, in her return, I am reminded of my past returns from foreign countries, and I am consumed by sadness. Granted, there were trips when I was ready to be home. I needed the comfort and security that home encompasses. But in just a few days, I was ready to be on another adventure. I wanted to continue traveling and see all that the world has. I don't think I was made to sit still. In just the last few months, I have discovered that I thrive on being busy...to a fault sometimes. I know it's not always good to be perpetually busy. I'm not afraid of sitting still, if that's what you are thinking. I just like to manage my time well.

So I think my heart is craving an adventure. And this isn't the first time I've experienced "cabin fever". I just think it's God cultivating a future plan for my life. This afternoon when I casually prayed a little prayer that went like, "Father, adventure?" He said, "Wait."

So wait. It's not a concept that one really desires to hear when "I want to go now!" But after asking again patiently, the same answer came: "Wait."

I will trust in His timing. For lots of things - like med school, marriage, and now adventure. I will have peace because I know His plans are better than mine. I could not have imagined the growth He has allowed in my life since Leslie left last July. I was a wreck, for multiple reasons. That's about the best I can describe it.

And He has brought restoration and healing! He is to be praised because He saved me from some of my darkest days and He alone is Lord over all. I am so grateful He brought Leslie back safely. And I trust that her return to a very foreign country will also be in His hands in just a month's time. In the meantime, my heart will rest in Him who is Father and deliverer of peace.

Desire

2011-07-14T18:44:00.000-05:00

of my heart:

ob/gyn maternal fetal medicine.

i got a flyer about a conference in seattle. and i really want to go. but i can't.

i'm writing a paper that has made a HUGE impact on my desire to pursue medicine in this field.

i really want to be a doctor. so i'll continue to study for MCAT #3.

thankful for this life and all the puzzle pieces beginning to fit together!

Freedom

2011-05-17T18:22:00.001-05:00

That's not the title that I would have originally picked for a post about my MCAT scores. But I can honestly say that this is the only word that is resonating in my mind.

Freedom.

Freedom from pressure.
Freedom to really follow God's plan.
Freedom to discover God's purpose in my life.
Freedom to see how His plan is going to play out.
Freedom from worry.

All day long (and really for the last month since I took the test), I've been wondering how I would react one way or another. I decided it wouldn't matter either way. If the scores were perfect, AWESOME! But if the other outcome was a reality with scores lower than average, then I know that God was still faithful through the process of studying and preparing for this test. I know that this process has been me living His Will.

How do I know that? The proof that I'm not completely devastated with my lower-than-average score of 24O. I want it to be a testament to how He has carried me through some of the toughest times in my entire life to get me in a place where I will continue to praise Him regardless of outcomes.

So, I have freedom. I have peace. I have excitement to look forward in fulfillment of whatever God's plans might be for my life. And I have faith, a stronger faith and belief in the King who gave me life than I've ever had before in my life.

Praise be to Him. Because let's just be honest, I've done absolutely nothing in my lifetime to be worthy of the blessings He has bestowed upon my life.

I said that I would praise Him regardless of the outcome, and I can think of doing nothing else!

[MCAT scores are on a scale from 0-45, with 30 (my goal) being considered a good score to be accepted into medical school. The letter "O" after the numbers is my writing score.]

Do Not Worry...

2011-04-13T18:26:00.000-05:00

we've all heard this verse:

"therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. sufficient for the day is its own trouble." matthew 6:34

so that's basically what my mom told me when i shared my anxieties from yesterday.

i liked her wording as well - "it sounds like you are borrowing tomorrow's troubles...those things are not on the agenda for today. focus on the task at hand."

WOW.

it was a moment i needed. it came late in the day - after struggling with desperate thoughts all afternoon. worrying about the future - which is not mine to worry about.

she brought be back down to where i needed to be. (unfortunately, at that moment, it was organic chemistry.)

so this is an apology for the women who i might have scared yesterday with my "timer" talk. i do not believe that as women, we are limited to a certain time of having babies. if it's the Lord's will, He is the only one who can create that little life inside of you. it is wholly up to Him. not me. not this stupid timer that i created. there is no such timer when you serve a God as big as the one i do.

i'm sorry. please do research more about high risk pregnancies, because the information is valuable! if you have questions, i can answer them! or try to, that is.

please accept this apology.

and please try to remember me in your thoughts/prayers! the mcat day is soon approaching.

let His Will be done.

The Apothecary's Daughter

2011-04-12T18:57:00.000-05:00

I'm reading this book.

It's a good book. I'm enjoying it. But I also feel like the main character and I are a lot alike.

Granted, I'm not the daughter of an apothecary. And I don't have "suitors" or "gentlemen" pursuing me.

But I think I definitely identify with her frantic thoughts of "running out of time."

Keep in mind I haven't really had feelings like this. I even had a friend recently tell me that I had this part of my life down. It was easy for me to separate my desires of having a family because of my busy schedule. My ambitions. My independence.

And then it seemed that a lot of my good friends are married, getting married, or having babies.

This post might be a little cryptic. But that's just kind of how it's coming out.

The point is this: I'm potentially pursuing a career that will take the next 9-10 years to train for. In that same amount of time, I'll be considered "advanced maternal age" and the risk for abnormalities in babies begins to have a crazy effect on the statistics. Today, after only seeing pregnant ladies in the clinic, one stood out. She's my age. And this is her 5th pregnancy.

Let me just say this: I don't really want to be pregnant that many times or have the number of children that she has at this age.

But I do feel like a timer started. And I'm feeling a tad desperate today.

I know that Jesus is bigger than all of these things. He has put me in this place for a purpose.

There should be no "but" after that statement.

BUT, this afternoon, I do feel overwhelmed. And this just seemed the easiest thing to express at the moment.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, friends. I could definitely use some heavenly encouragement.

Every Day Battle

2011-03-21T16:09:00.000-05:00

Spring Break. I've had one every year since I've been in school - so maybe like close to 20 years now.

And I've always really enjoyed them. I love getting the respite from classes and schedules to have a retreat. In college, I used a couple of these breaks to go on missions. And then I felt I needed another week of break to recover from my chosen plans. The trips always exhausted me - but I loved them.

However, this year, I feel a profound difference in the break I had last week.

You see, every day of the week, I'm with the same group of 14 people, and then add the faculty and the hospital staff with whom we work. The majority of these people do not know the saving power of Jesus. There might be a handful of them who do...but on the whole, I'd say I'm constantly around non-believers.

This particular aspect of my life is completely different from what I've experienced. In my grade school years, my friends were the ones who were like me. In college, again, my friends and the people with whom I surrounded myself were pretty much always believers.

When coming back from breaks from school, it was like being able to breathe fresh air again. I was able to reconnect with my community. It had never occurred to me to seek out non-believers when I wasn't on a trip for that purpose. I know that I was encouraged to simply talk to the people next to me in order to share the Gospel. But I knew those people, and they were believers, like me. I just never had the opportunity, or that's what I told myself. It's a devastating reality, I know!

Currently, I feel like I come back from breaks more refreshed and ready to tackle the task of representing Jesus to my classmates and fellow employees. Last week was a retreat from the hardships and frustrations of some of my classmates who, sometimes, just seem to not like me because I'm me. I've never experienced anything so exhausting and discouraging.

But today, I really felt a renewed sense of purpose when Spring Break stories were shared. I was saddened by some of the things I heard - mostly turning to alcohol to cope with life. Oh, Jesus, if they only knew how much better You are at helping cope with life's difficulties! But I will continue to love these people who were put into my life for a specific reason. It might become discouraging, and I will become exhausted again. I've come to expect it. But I have strong faith that Jesus will help me in those times.

This year, I appreciate Spring Break for the spiritual renewal it allowed in my life. And I'm excited to see what the next 8 weeks bring!

Your Hand

2011-03-18T15:44:00.001-05:00

On Wednesday, I wrote this in my journal:

"If You had told me a year ago that I would be applying to continue my education in medical school, I might have thought You were crazy. I would have laughed.

But I look back on my journey and I see YOU. I see your hand all over the journey - in the disappointment, the hurt, the rejection. I experienced it so that I could get here. So that I would have this sweet fellowship and not take the life you've given me for granted. My eyes have been opened to where you have led me and from where I came."

However, today...I'm not quite feeling the same.

After taking MCAT practice test #4, I feel highly discouraged. My scores have only improved a total of about 8 points since I've started studying. In this moment, I'm struggling to accept the assurance I had just a few days ago.

Am I wrong about the path I'm supposed to be on?

not exactly a day to repeat...

2011-02-10T17:51:00.000-06:00

Something monumental happened this morning while I was in clinic. I knew that this day would come; I just didn't think it was going to be today. But isn't that how things go sometimes?

These past 2 weeks, I've been on rotation at a high-risk Ob clinic. A lot of the patients are diagnosed with diabetes, which is automatically considered high risk for pregnancy. The risk factors for the babies are not as severe as say malformations, but they like to monitor the baby's weight to make sure the baby doesn't get too big. So up until this week, I hadn't really experienced any anomalies.

Because of health care laws, I'm not supposed to really give details on any of our patients in order to protect them.

With that being said, our first patient for today was in the clinic because she has been diagnosed with a malignant carcinoma. She was dated to be about half-way through her pregnancy. But there was no heart beat.

And so I sat there in disbelief, watching the sonographer take measurements to figure out when the demise happened.

I think I had been in denial that fetal demise occurs.

So the doctor comes in to tell the patient.

And I've never experienced anything like that.

A mother finding out that her baby is no longer alive. It's heart-wrenching. Added to the fact that she has malignant cancer. Overwhelming.

Those are about all the thoughts I have about today.

I think I'll definitely be good if I don't have to see that again for a very long time.

Love?

2011-02-09T16:56:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I don't do a good job of being mindful of other people's feelings.

It would be unfair of me to expect others to always be aware of how they are treating others.

But how does a person who has been hurt approach the person who did the hurting and explain how the situation hurt them?

The concept seems easy enough. However, the execution is another story.

Today, I feel like I've been carrying a lot of pain around with me. It's kind of a huge burden. And it's reminded me of how much grace I live in every day.

Grace doesn't take away the pain. It's definitely still there.

I want to be able to extend grace to several people in my life. I want to be able to live like Jesus. Jesus allowed the people he loves to place Him on a cross to die.

So when does the pain go away?

Turning the other cheek really does allow for one to put death to self.

I don't have the right to be treated a certain way.

Jesus, help me to live out forgiveness without bitterness!

[sorry if this post makes no sense. just wanted to voice the ache in my heart.]

Afraid of Failure

2011-01-17T12:01:00.000-06:00

This week was the week of "lightbulb moments". Seriously. It was like every day I had an "Ah-Ha!" moment. And I love these kinds of things. It's like stepping out of a dream and embracing reality. Okay, so that might be a stretch, but I still like these moments. It provides a little more understanding into my life.

Some of these light bulbs were simple - like figuring out some sibling relationships in my young professionals group. But others were kind of big. Like why I can't seem to make decisions about future plans. Or plans here and now. I know that Jesus says to only look at today. And I believe that I truly do that.

But there are other factors in life that require us to look a little ways into the future. And it's these opportunities that I'm afraid of.

I already feel like I've failed before. Like not just a simple fail. A huge, life-altering fail. One that caused me to sneak into myself and become extremely hurt, bitter, and angry at God. For almost a year. I wasn't myself. And I'm still seeking to find who God wants me to be through that experience. I want to bring Him glory with my life - to make much of Him, not to make much of Erin. I'm done being angry. I'm done trying to make my own plans and asking God to bless them. It's not how His Plan works.

So how do I proceed and make my life worthy of His Calling? How do I make much of Him while pursuing opportunities that could be interpreted as making much of me? Only He can really know my heart. But I want to be clear that I'm not making decisions lightly. And I can't stop hesitating to make sure my heart is right in these decisions. That He would be my joy and not my own glory. I'm working on this. But it's not just gonna happen overnight. There's a massive amount of healing that still has to take place. And learning. And growing.

Having my "light bulb" moment last night allowed me to understand why I'm hesitating. I feel like I can't proceed because I've made future plans before and I've failed. It sounds simple, but it's so deep. The hurt and disappointment runs through the very core of me. And I need my community to understand this. It's critical that they see how much God has brought me through and how He is teaching me to seek Him above all else.

I am beginning to see the bigger picture of how deep and thorough His love, grace and forgiveness flow.

All My Single Ladies...

2011-01-03T11:19:00.001-06:00

This weekend, I went on a winter retreat with my Young Professionals Group from church. It was a challenging weekend on several different levels. I learned a ton about myself and how I am living my life for me and not for Jesus. It's bad. Like way selfish bad. So, when people ask me, "Did you have fun?!" I can't really say that "fun" is learning about how I live not glorifying God every minute of every day.

So, what did I learn exactly? Lots. But one thing I haven't been able to forget occurred during a conversation with my new friend J. She and I talked alot about singleness. What it means, the challenges, how we both desire to be married one day, the characteristics we would desire in a future spouse, etc. It was all good stuff to talk about with someone who is clearly thinking on the same wavelengths as I am.

One afternoon, during free time, we were chilling on some porch swings in the chilly sun. And I was mentioning to her that I wanted to go through the whole Bible and find things that pertained to single people. Confession: I've never read the whole Bible. I'm pretty lazy about it, actually (there's one of those lessons creeping in!). So, in response to my comment, J says, "Yeah, I mean, the Bible doesn't really have a whole lot of stuff relating to singleness."

That simple statement hit me hard. Yes, it is good to read the whole Bible. To know the character of God and to understand how He cares for us (the cross, people!). But if there really isn't a whole lot on singleness, I was thinking: maybe our focus is completely wrong.

Maybe it's a struggle, but we shouldn't be so caught up in our singleness and how hard it is that we forget our purpose. Our purpose, as a creation and imitation of God is to live solely to glorify Him and further the kingdom. Singleness does make an impact. Right now, in our lives, we can serve and glorify God better than if we were married. So, later, holding out on what God has placed as desires in our hearts to be married, we will glorify him as being a reflection of the church and Christ.

All of these things served to encourage me in my singleness. It helped me to refocus how I've been living and define how I should be living. What a powerful weekend. I'll post more things that God is showing me as I process through my thoughts a bit more. What a powerful way to start the new year!

What a Gloomy Day!

2010-12-29T11:10:00.000-06:00

It's about 61* outside and raining. Gross!

I can't say that I enjoy this weather. Because, honestly, I hate it. When the sun doesn't have to get up and work, why do I? Allright, fine. I'll stop complaining. I actually got up super early today to go walking with friends. And it was good, productive. Getting up at 6 on vacation? I might just say we were crazy. But seeing as it's the only time we could coordinate the three of us today, it worked.

But the frustration that occurred to coordinate such a time - just makes me want to call it quits. With what, you might ask? This friendship.

See, when I moved back to H-town in April, I was hurt. Damaged. Not myself. Recently, I've discovered that I really didn't act like myself until just a very few weeks ago. So for an entire year (almost), I was kind-of in a trance. I acted differently, said things that normally wouldn't come out of my mouth. On the outside, I was putting on a show. But in private, let's just say I was pretty much falling apart. Literally.

God provided a friend who understood the hurt and disappointments I was trying to weave myself out of. And He knew I desperately needed it. But as I've found healing the last few months, I've discovered how frustrating this friend can be. If friendships are about give and take, how much am I expected to give before I have nothing else?

Soon after I started to develop a relationship with my friend, she got engaged...and I was so excited for her! I didn't realize then how hard it is for me to see friends get married. It's not hard because I also want to be married one day. That might have been the issue a few years ago. But I've come to a place of accepting my singleness as a gift. There's no pressure to "have it all together". I'm not trying to say that married people have it all together. But there could be a different expectation of a wife than of a single woman. So I'll just simply say that I'm grateful for this time in my life to try to figure out how God is supposed to lead me and how to submit to Him well. That's without the added submission to a husband. Oh, it seems like I'm digging a hole here. Sigh.

Moving on...

Engagements. I've had many friends marry. And several of them have invited me to stand next to them at the altar to hold them accountable - a true blessing! But something is different about the way my new friend is acting in her engagement. It's hard for me to figure out if she is just "like that" or if it's a phase she's passing through. It's becoming exasperating trying to explain to her that no, he can't come when the three of us girls want to hang out. It's meant to be girl time. And no boys allowed! But to no avail can I get her to understand.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that - is this normal?! I'm not sure who reads my blog anymore...so I guess I'm asking an audience who might or might not answer my question. But, to my married friends, was it especially hard for you to separate yourself from your groom right before you were married? Or were you able to discern that it was your last little bit of time to be single? Do you regret anything from your life as an engaged single person? Anything you would do differently? Am I being completely unreasonable?

These are things that I've been trying to think through. Thanks for reading and bearing with me.

Christmas is Over

2010-12-27T13:54:00.000-06:00

Well, yes, the day is over. And my sister and her husband left this morning.

And the things I'd planned on doing today? Haven't happened.

There are a few reasons for my laziness. First, I wanted to finish the book I had been reading. So I guess I got that done.

But going swimming? Going to the grocery store to get supplies for dinner? Research for my book? Not done.

After big events, I can't help but dwell on the memories that were created. And want them to be re-done. My older sister calls me "sentimental". I just can't put a logical reason as to why I do these things. It makes me immensely sad to sit here in my parent's house all alone (except for Molly curled up to my right, sleeping). I have a really hard time being alone and purposeless these days.

Inevitably, my mind goes to thinking about singleness and how my life would be filled with such joy if I had a significant other to share it with. My family likes to remind me that this happening would make me happy.

But saying that another person could sustain my happiness is false. And it's this mindset I've been trying to fight against. My life is not supposed to be spent waiting for something to happen with a man. And yes, his presence in my life could create a certain degree of happiness. But I will not sit around and wait for him. I have a life - and it's supposed to centered on my Creator. His presence brings the eternal joy. Granted, most days I choose not to partake of what Jesus is offering.

The reason I don't grasp onto His grace? Pride.

Other things have a factor as well, but if I was truly humbled, I would be completely dependent on Him. I don't want to sit here and be cliche and say it's a new year's resolution. Because it's more than that. It's my new life change. And I'm going to work hard at it.

As for today and my list of not accomplished actions? I'll start with lunch and go from there...

Update

2010-11-23T20:38:00.001-06:00

Don't worry and fret. I'm doing just fine...just learning some tough lessons.

And the fact that I have 3 stinking tests tomorrow is just added to bounty of overwhelming-ness.

So, I know that I'm being vague, but I just flat out don't have time to dive into the details.

I could write a book about it. And I might. I've been encouraged by more than one person to do so.

But that's a whole other ballgame that I would prefer to just leave at that. For now. But I'm working on titles...and I'm excited about it.

Anywho,

Enjoy thanksgiving! I know I'm looking forward to the Ags B(ing)THO t.u.!!!

Not What I Thought...

2010-11-22T22:32:00.000-06:00

...and I think I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

I'm not quite sure how I got to this place.

But prayers would be appreciated.

And then we'll see how life goes.

I'm back!

2010-11-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

I've been gone for a while. But, I have many new thoughts and several things that I just have to release. Since school started back in September, I have stepped back from blogging. I just couldn't keep up with what was going on in other people's lives. It was really hard for me to try to organize my own life into neat little posts that were concise and to-the-point.

Let's just be honest. Life is not concise. And when is it ever to-the-point?

So there was my defeat. I seriously just avoided blogging because I didn't fit into the "blogging norm". But blogging has helped me to realize some pretty important points in the past. I don't want to lose it. I just couldn't maintain it.

I've finally reached a point where I want to start sharing some of the things that I experience in school, life, amongst my friends (within reason b/c of confidentiality stuff), family, and my new singles group at church. Oh yes, and my thoughts.

So this is the beginning.

Walls

2010-09-26T17:39:00.000-05:00

this weekend has been a little difficult. not in like the sense that something terrible happened. or that any horrific news has come my way.

but just in the sense of my heavy heart. it all started when i had to make a decision to attend a "'geriatric skate" event with the singles group at my church.

i seriously couldn't decide what to do.

so, in trying to figure out why this decision was so hard, i figured out that i have a few things that have been festering.

the main issue? my lack of interest in putting myself out there. to be vulnerable.

i have effectively built walls around myself. i'm more content to stay home and read a book than to go hang out with a sweet friend that could be very life-giving. i just can't seem to bring myself to do these things.

these walls also make me a lame friend. i never want to do anything. and i would rather just be at home.

unfortunately (or fortunately?), now that i've recognized this monstrous glaring problem in my life, i have to continually work on it and through it.

i was talking with LS about this decision and her response was something along the lines of, "well, if you don't want to do anything, you're going to be alone. and then in the next stage of life, you're not going to want to do anything again. so then you'll be alone. and essentially, you'll be alone forever."

how true is that? if i don't build up my community in this new phase in life, i have only the few people that i've been able to keep contact with since moving in april.

and just how many friends have i made since then? not counting acquaintances and just including the people i regularly see and talk to outside of church is 2. T-W-O. now i'm upset with myself.

the realization that i've been lame and become a new member and haven't been active and don't really want to be active now is harsh.

it was my slap of the weekend.

and let me tell you, it hit hard.

these walls, they're high. and they aren't keeping me safe like they were supposed to. i've hurt myself. and now i'm upset with myself. i'm still a mess.

almost 10 months later, i'm an absolute mess. and all i wanted was to feel safe.

The College Years

2010-09-02T11:57:00.000-05:00

Recently, my younger sister L moved back to CS to resume her position as a college student.

Shortly after she moved back, I realized that this is the first time in FIVE years that I have not had the college student lifestyle. And it's quite strange.

There are things that I don't miss. Like having to think about what to make for dinner each week (even though I am asked for input at my parent's house) and having to grocery shop. I'm super glad it's a joint effort around here. And having to clean and change my sheets regularly. I'm quite thankful that my parents invest in a woman who is quite skilled at leaving our home clean and fresh every other week! I still do my own laundry and ironing, so not much has changed there.

BUT. There are things that I miss.

Like these faces:

And living with these ladies:

And random moments like this:

And doing silly things like this in foreign places:

And having community with people like this:

And hanging out with her:

And being a part of moments with groups like this:

And crazy nights like these:

Going on roadtrips just to be girls:

Spending Friday nights just cruising around CS for no good reason:

And Having conversations with her:

I've just been thinking lately. And reminiscing. And enjoying the time that I've been given with all of these wonderful experiences and people. Love you!

My Favorite Time of Year

2010-08-20T11:44:00.000-05:00

Allright, so today I was rolling through my Google Reader and noticed that several people are talking about the seasons and which ones they love.

At A Country Farmhouse, she mentions how she's loving eating outside during the summer. Granted, if you live in the right part of the country, I'm sure that would be enjoyable. But live in Houston...and it's a nightmare. Mosquitoes, humidity and sweat join you for dinner. And there's that little (or big!) guest called Mr. Temperature. He's planning on being over 100 in the next few days. Although August in Houston is not fun, there are things I enjoy about summer: the smell of freshly cut grass, the smell of tanning oil (it reminds me of the beach!), eating things fresh off the grill (yum!!!), and being able to wear shorts and t-shirts. Sweating in the heat is not number one...but jumping in a pool is right up there!

At The Cluttered Corner, she talks about fall and how she loves it. And yes, I can see the appeal: Mr. Temperature decides to take a break, the sweaters get to come out of hiding, and the leaves start to change color (depending on your location!). Here, in Houston, we kind of skip Fall and go straight into Winter (if that's what you can call it down here). Things I do love about Fall include the crisp air. We probably won't get any here until late October, but at least it might be here for a month! It's also permissible to start listening to Christmas music - which is one of my favorite genres! My mom refuses to listen to it until after Thanksgiving...which I happen to believe is too little time to enjoy the fullness of all of the great carols and hymns out there.

So far today, I haven't read anyone's post about Winter or Spring...but I'm sure it will come later when it gets closer. As we start to transition out of summer and into fall (crossing fingers here!), I'm gonna have to say that Summer is my favorite out of the two. Indeed, it's hot. And you sweat. But the days are long and the sun is out for much longer than any time of the year. To be honest, it's the thing I love the most about Summer. Or maybe Spring because I feel that Summer is coming...

Anyway. What season do you enjoy the most?

Literary Update

2010-08-13T01:16:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'm trying to get in all the reading-for-fun that I can before school starts again. I really enjoy reading...and I'm addicted to my Kindle. The link is actaully for the new generation. Only a kindle owner for 8 months, and they've moved on to the new generation? Technology...

While on vacation with my family a week ago, I was trying to finish a book that I had found on Amazon for free. It was possibly the longest book I've ever read. It took me about 4 months to finish it - and that's reading consistently before bed each night. But it was written in a different language. I mean, it was English. It was just a different form of English. To Have and To Hold was written by Mary Johnston in 1900. I've read Jane Austen, and the writing style of Mary is quite different. Jane can be hard to read if you're not 100% clued into what is happening. With Mary, you just really have to be willing to follow a language that has long been lost. Overall, I enjoyed it...I just wish it hadn't taken me so long! The plot is somewhat long and drawn out. I think the one aspect I enjoyed the most was that it took place in Colonial America before we had won our Independence from England. I have become fascinated with this time period!

The next book I started was Charlie St. Cloud by Ben Sherwood. Now, I only read this book because I discovered that the movie was based off the book. I was interested - and it was a quick and easy read compared to my previous book. The next step is to see the movie. When I find the free time.

Immediately after finishing Charlie, I started A Passion Most Pure, which is set back in the time of WWI. I'm finding my favorite novels are historical fiction. This one is also Christian - so it's not like other romance novels out there. It's very tasteful. This book is written by Julie Lessman, and is the first in the series of 3 books. I finished this one this morning...and bought the second one earlier this evening. The first one was long and involved, but the writing really drew me in and I really didn't want to put it down. My family will tell you - every evening this week (except for tonight), my nose has been glued to my Kindle. I just couldn't get enough. And of course it leads into the second book...so naturally I want to read the next one in line.

Welp, that's the update on my reading adventures. I also saw Inception twice in one week. If only that movie was based off a book. I think I'm getting to the point in my life when I would rather read the books than just watch the stories on the big screen. The books are seriously always better, but they take more time to enjoy.

Being a Nanny

2010-08-13T00:53:00.000-05:00

Ever since I finished my anatomy class back in July, I've been taking care of the G kids. Their mom is a partner in my mom's firm...and because of several different factors, they asked if I would be willing to entertain said kids for a few hours each day this summer.

Let me just start off and say that this was quite the time commitment. It takes about 45 minutes to an hour to just get to their house...and then added travel time to the activity and back home...for me to fight rush hour traffic every evening to get back home for dinner. This opportunity has definitely been a blessing. Please don't misread what I've said. Yes, it takes a lot of time (averaging about 6 hours a day) and lots of driving...which means lots of gas and lots of $$ spent on gas. Sigh. But, I was able to pay for tickets to Midland in December for one of my best friend's wedding without dipping into my savings. When you don't have a full-time job after having one, it's difficult to budget for items like that. It also allows me to purchase the dress for said wedding sans-debt. Whoop!

Along with the extra cash flow, this job has clarified that I am not supposed to work with children in their pre-teen years. M is 9, A is 10...enough for me to be quite stern at times. I'm pretty sure I've never heard them stop talking. It's absolutely amazing to me how two little girls can talk so much! And the topics - so random. Today, at lunch, the topic jumped from Miley Cyrus to being put in jail for egging a house. As you can see, there's no rhyme or reason to the conversation. I think I need some adult time ASAP!

Good thing I'm going to CS this weekend to see some precious ladies. I'm excited for this quick trip.

Honesty

2010-08-13T00:36:00.000-05:00

What would really happen if the people we thought we knew well were honest?

How would our own walls crumble when we heard of the revealing brokenness of others?

I believe our world would be better for it.

The truth of our ugliness set before others.

The state of my heart at this moment?

It feels black.

And that's about all the honesty I can bear to share right now.

Better Bad Choices

2010-07-29T12:03:00.000-05:00

Today marks a new chapter for "Only You Suffice."

And what is this chapter?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

It's about nutrition. And making better choices for the foods you eat. If you visit the Health page, you can see the whole story of what this new beginning is about.

But now I'm going to tell you why I've decided to start documenting personal choices in food. Early in the summer, I posted briefly about the swimmers on the team I was coaching and their epic cramping stories. Poor kids. Well, I decided their eating habits were not up to par with the kind of exercise they were putting their bodies through. the fuel they provided the engine did not live up to what the engine needed.

A few people expressed interest in hearing about my nutrition philosophies. So, I'm sharing them.

The key to my decisions?

MAKE BETTER BAD CHOICES.

It's seriously that simple. Like if you are going to snack (i.e., me around 4 yesterday afternoon), don't take the easy way out and stop at Arby's and get some curly fries. ( I was tempted. Oh, so tempted!) Eat fruit. It's something we all need in our diet, and really, your body knows what to do with better than fried potatoes. Trust me. Anyway, I opted out of the easy drive-through option...and took the one where a little more effort was involved. Peaches! MMM, they were juicy and delicious. And yes, I ate two. I was pretty darn hungry!

Another example? L and I went to see Inception last night (totalling my 3rd movie for the week since Saturday), and we grabbed ChicFilA for dinner. I opted out of regular lemonade for diet lemonade. It was a small choice, but it can make a difference.

All of these different choices really add up. I'm going to start posting more and more of these options. And in the process, I'm hoping for more accountability because of it. If what I eat goes on the internet, it means I need to be smart about what I put into my body.

Now, take into consideration that I'm not a nutritionist nor do I plan on becoming one. I'm just trying to make some healthy life choices and share them to help others.

What better bad choices did you choose today?

Just a Quickie

2010-07-13T14:54:00.000-05:00

Just a few things I'm really enjoying today:

1. My new turquoise nail polish from Target :) It makes typing more fun. Not sure how, but I like it a lot.

2. The Notebook gets me every time! Such a sweet story of love and happily ever after.

3. York peppermint patties pieces. Dangerously addictive dark chocolate with a hint of mint. Love these!

And it's Tuesday. So that's fun.

BTW, I'm becoming a dog-sitter extraordinare if anyone needs me to dog/house sit, I'm reasonably priced and I even clean! Just a shameless plug for my new job :)

July 3rd

2010-07-04T16:02:00.000-05:00

I'm in a house with 4 dogs, 2 turtles, 2 sea frogs and a bearded dragon.

So I'm not really alone.

But I am.

My sister and her husband are visiting this weekend.

But they're in Spring.

So here I sit with all of my "companions".

And my best friend moved to China yesterday.

And I'm all alone.

The funniest story of the week...

2010-06-16T13:57:00.000-05:00

Why hello there.

You thought I fell off the face of the earth, huh?

Nope. Just living out my crazy life. And being frustrated. And angry.

But, today, I don't want to dwell on those things.

Today, like 10 minutes ago, I submitted my application to an ultrasound technician program. FREEDOM!

It's quite the feeling.

And, for the body of today's post, I want to share with you a situation that happened during our 6 and under practice this morning:

One of the mentors, Cody, was helping me in lane 5. Jason and Madelyn (both age 6) are swimming in his lane. I was having them practice starting off of the blocks and swimming the entire length of the pool. Since this is Madelyn's first year of swimming, she's not quite 100 percent confident about diving. The girl has no fear, however, about belly flopping every time she jumps in. A lot of our 6 and unders dive this way. Let's just say I get quite wet during this practice.

Anyway, I was telling Madelyn that her hands, not her feet, needed to go into the water first. When I was done telling her this, Jason decided to help her get into the correct position and pushed her bottom into the air. HA! Jason has 5 brothers - so he's not really around girls that much. Later, after Madelyn and Jason swam their lap and walked around the pool, I told Jason that he was not allowed to touch another girl's bottom ever. His response? He just grinned. These kids. They're so funny!

So after yet another lap of freestyle, I ask Jason if he thinks Madelyn is pretty. His response was something along the lines of this: "She would be pretty if she wore a tuxedo!"

Oh man. I was cracking up. Cody was as well. Later, after re-telling his mom about our conversation, she laughed with us. What a funny little kid!

I hope you all enjoy that story as much I had experiencing it. It makes these last few practices a little more bearable...

Respect

2010-06-10T14:34:00.000-05:00

My heart is pounding in my chest. If only I could really say what I want to say to you.

I'm hurt. Disappointed.

But most of all, I'm disrespected.

And if that has ever happened to you, time and time again, I'm pretty sure that you start thinking you're not worth anything either. Your opinion doesn't matter. Your experience doesn't mean anything.

Nada. Zippo. Zilch.

Let's just say I'm *this close* to starting a countdown to the end of June.

I'm tired of being told what I think, say and desire doesn't matter. Because you're wrong. You can't see it now. But you will.

And by then, I'll be long gone.

Anxiousness

2010-06-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here, doing my anatomy work...watching the clock go by.

And the closer the time gets to 2:45, which is when I get ready for swim practice...the more anxious I get.

I should be thinking about napping after only getting 5ish hours of sleep last night.

But, alas, I'm nervous about practice.

Well, not practice. I can coach. I like that part.

I'm nervous about what could potentially go wrong and be "my fault".

Or making a decision that someone doesn't necessarily agree with.

I'm weary of being picked on. I wish coaching was all I had to handle.

Maybe then I wouldn't be so nervous.

Being a leader is hard.

Especially as a single woman. The whole situation would be different if I was married and not living at my parent's house. Maybe if I had a baby...I wouldn't get asked, "Have you ever coached a team before?" It's insulting. Yes, I'm young. No, I don't have my own family yet. But yes, I am qualified to do this job well (14 years of experience on a pool deck isn't enough, eh?!).

I guess I'm frustrated with the double standard.

I am an adult.

I am fully capable of making decisions.

And teaching kids how to swim well.

Stop asking if I'm competent. I wouldn't be there if I wasn't.

(I just want to say that I'm not saying these things out of arrogance. I am really struggling with my identity. And I know that I can do these things. I just haven't been given the time to prove who I am to the right people.)

A Weary Heart

2010-05-26T13:53:00.000-05:00

Changes.

They're hard.

Sometimes, really hard.

They represent the unknown.

The uncertain.

Maybe they're good.

Or they could be bad.

They can make life go in different directions.

They cause people to change.

Maybe for the better.

But maybe for the worse.

They can cause wounds.

Physical.

Emotional.

Psychological.

People can be against changes...just because it's different.

It's not worse. It might be better.

But their eyes are unable to see.

So, here, in this battlefield, change is just change.

And there is opposition.

Which makes "going on" even harder.

It makes one question decisions.

But upon further inspection, there could have been no changes.

Change is change.

And regardless of what people may say, it's not widely accepted.

If my position was held by anyone else, they would encounter the same opposition.

So it's not me.

It's just that I happen to represent change.

And it's hard to keep making myself believe that.

First Meet

2010-05-15T22:34:00.000-05:00

It's hard to put into words the mix of emotions that have transpired over the course of the day.

It started at 5:30 this morning when I got out of bed. I was nervous.

I arrived home after 2 pm this afternoon with my lunch from Chic-Fil-A in hand. I was defeated.

In those 8 and a half hours, lots of different things happened. But mostly, when I arrived home this afternoon, I felt like collapsing, bawling my eyes out, and then sleeping the rest of the day. As a wrote earlier, I was defeated.

And then I took a 3 hour nap.

To any who has never been a swim coach, it would probably be hard to understand. I've had that conversation with another swim coach recently. Until you actually live in my shoes and see the way things work from this side, it's just hard to understand. Even as a swimmer, I never understood why my coaches did certain things until I became a coach. And then everything started to be clearer.

Here's to hoping this week at practice is productive and worthwhile. I just don't know how many more "todays" I can take.

Recently

2010-05-12T12:40:00.000-05:00

I know it's been awhile since I last posted. I owe that to the fact that I was unmotivated and my life is actually boring away from College Station.

My daily schedule (because I know that you want to know):
7:30 am - Alarm goes off. I snooze until 8
9:30 am - When I actually get out of bed after "snoozing" for 2 hours. [just realized what a funny word snooze is.]
9:30 am to 12 noon - Eat breakfast, maybe shower (the convenience of having an outside job that involves a pool), and contemplate lunch
12 noon to 2:45 pm - Run errands, check email, facebook, my google reader, and perhaps read some
2:45 pm - Alarm goes off to tell me that I should get ready for swim practice
3 pm - The time I actually get ready for practice
3:10ish - Leave for swim practice
3:30ish - Arrive for practice
4 to 7ish - Coach swim practice
7:30 to 8ish pm - Eat dinner
8 to 10 pm - watch tv with parents
10 to midnight - read and go to bed

Exciting, right? Nope, not really. That is, until yesterday.

It was a normal day....until around 2:50 pm when my dad called to tell me that my little sister, L, is headed to a general surgeon in CS because Beutel (the health center on campus) can't figure out what's wrong with her. Her white blood cell (the disease fighters in the body) numbers are huge and she's in a lot of abdominal pain. We think it could be appendicitis. I proceed to send out a mass text message to get many of my friends praying for her. I get ready to go to swim practice. I remember in the process of getting ready that I have to feed Molly because no one is going to be home until way after dinner time.

Dad was originally going to CS to move L back home. He had left much earlier than anticipated b/c she was going to the hospital. We didn't know if they would even be home that night. Mom had an Aggie Mom's meeting - so she wouldn't be home until after 9. I had to handle meet entries for Saturday's meet with the assistant coach...so I didn't know when I would be home.

Nonetheless, I fed Molly and took her out to take care of her business, and then she needed to be cleaned up. Gross. Butt baths? Worst part of having a dog. I leave quite late for swim practice. I arrive only 10 minutes early and get bombarded with questions and things to do. Normally, I arrive 30 minutes early so things like that don't happen. I seriously wanted to just about scream.

The keys to the pool had gone MIA the night before - so people were asking to have the bathrooms unlocked...and I couldn't do it because the keys were missing! So that was frustrating. And then I'm told that a form was due the previous day to the Division. They have to check out our backgrounds...or something. But I had to get things ready for practice...and I was late. And my little sister was going to the hospital and I couldn't help but wonder about her and how she's doing.

Practice starts a few minutes late...and I don't hear anything from my dad until the start of the last practice. It's not appendicitis. But it might be an ovarian cyst that ruptured. She was going to have a CAT scan, and depending on the results, might be allowed to go home that night.

Practice ends, and I go to work on the meet entries at a local McDonald's with the assistant. My dad informs me it was indeed an ovarian cyst that ruptured and they are keeping her overnight for observation because of her internal bleeding. So...she's going to be alright. Good. That was around 7.

Come 10 pm (when McDonald's apparently closes in that part of town), and Will and I are still working on entries. I leave there around 10:10 and get home at 10:35 pm to finally eat dinner. Whew. I was exhausted! Around 11pm, my dad calls to say that he's leaving CS to come home...

I don't go to bed until after he's home...say like 12:30ish? I don't wake up until 9:30 this morning (after snoozing).

What a crazy day! I'm glad to say that L is officially now out of the hospital, checked out of her dorm, and moving home as I type. They should all be home soon.

And that was only Tuesday...

Purpose

2010-05-04T11:26:00.000-05:00

Recently, in the last few days, I've been contemplating a lot about life's purpose. What to do with one's life. How to make it meaningful. What about the impact to other people?

Ever since Friday and finishing my job at TTI, I have my mornings free. And as a person who was really bad at being jobless last September, I can see why. When I was in school, the purpose was to study and pass my classes. That meant I could sleep in and do whatever I deemed important in my free time. When I sleep in now (let's say 9), I feel guilty. There's no purpose to what I'm doing. I've resigned myself to sit around and wait for the time to get ready for practice. Sure, there are some little things to do, like going to the store and doing laundry.

And tomorrow morning I get to spend some time at the beach with my dad. Woohoo! And then Thursday is my best friend's birthday. So I'll be busy going to see her as she experiences her first taste of 22. Happy Early Birthday, Leslie!

Waiting. That's what I'm doing. I'm waiting for the Lord to reveal the next thing. I'm trying to be patient and seek what He has planned. He didn't have it in His plans for me to go to China. He did have it in His plans for me to be a swim coach and grow in my leadership skills. Living back in parent's house wasn't in my plans...and yet, here I am. And it's been good. At this point in my life, I feel like I'm more able to spend time with my parents as friends and not necessarily living out the normal parental roles. It's been surprisingly fun. And even when we're all tired after working and doing stuff all day, we can stand around and clean the kitchen together after dinner. It's good.

Waiting. It's hard...and already, I feel a little restless. Maybe I should get up and go run those errands now. Ready, Set, GO!

"...will you chase me?!"

2010-04-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

No, I haven't asked anyone to chase me. Well, at least not in the last 15-16 years. Maybe when I was at Northern Hills Elementary School in Oklahoma.

I love the memories of the recess times. The girls would chase the boys and then (my favorite part) the boys would chase the girls!

Oh, the joys of being a child and not having to hide behind formalities.

Yesterday, after swim practices were done, Mr. President (of the swim team board) was telling me about his youngest child and only girl. She practices with our 6 & Under age group...so she's young. And asks the funniest questions. Every day when we gather to stretch before getting in the pool, she asks me if I'm getting in the pool that day (if I haven't already been in the pool like yesterday). Then, I reveal that I do indeed have on a swim suit under my clothes and will, in fact, be swimming. I'm the coach. I have to swim, right?!

Anywho...Mr. President told me a story about what happened after yesterday's swim practice. She went up to Mr. Pres, and asks, "Daddy, do you remember that time you gave me lots of money?" To which he replied, "Yes, honey." "Well, will you do that again, because I really liked that..."

Haha. Kids say the funniest things some times...

Then she went over to one of our other little (read: tiny) 6 & Under boys and asked him, "Will you chase me? Because I really like it when you do that..."

How darling is that?! I laughed about it, and told Mr. President that I understood exactly what she felt. I did the same thing when I was her age. And loved doing so.

The desires of a woman's heart are so transparent at that young age. She wants to feel desired...and if being chased does that, then by golly, she wants to be chased!

In the book Captivating, I know the authors talk about this phenomenon. If my copy of the book wasn't in storage, I would have pulled it out to get the exact text...but since it is in storage and I'm not about to go digging through boxes in my hour of free time a day, the summary will have to do.

For girls, we want to feel like we are worth fighting for, worth being chased after, and ultimately, being won, or told we are captivating enough to win the battle for. For boys, they want something to fight for. Something for which to win the heart, to feel as though they deserve it. It's awesome how God designed us so well. It fits together like an innate puzzle. And it's perfect.

And I love how Mr. President's daughter already sees her need (I mean, not exactly, but almost)...and it's become my prayer that one day, she will find the one who is ultimately pursuing her heart and has already saved her and won the battle. That's my prayer. I want this little girl to know Jesus!
_____________________________________

Being away from swim team for 2 years has really opened my eyes to way kids work. It's like everything is new again (because it is!). But I'm definitely learning a lot about how to talk to them and teach them effectively and seek them where they are at. I want to be a positive role in their life, someone they can come to and talk to about anything. I might not be going to China anytime soon, but I'm seeing huge ministry opportunities where God has placed me.

And for now, I guess that's all I ask.

It's Wednesday

2010-04-28T10:30:00.000-05:00

Or the 3rd day of the week...a very long, exhausting week.

I think the last time I actually had the urge to go to bed around 8 pm was in high school. When swimming about 5 hours a day, 2-3 miles each practice, I was definitely ready to crash. Last night? My mom and I were eating dinner at 8, and I could have seriously skipped it and gone straight to bed. My stomach would have reminded me this morning as a I rolled out of bed at 5:45 that action would not have not been the best idea...but it maybe would have helped my body to recover from this _____(fill in blank with a creative synonym of exhausting)______ week.

So, I got only a measly 8 hours of sleep (9:45 to 5:45). And I still feel like this?! Crazy. It either means I'm working/doing too much during the day, or I'm just quite unprepared to deal with the awesome crazy stress that comes with swim team. I think I vote for both.

But alas, only 2 more days of traveling...oh, and the trip back to Spring today. But, okay, I thought I would share some funny/interesting/entertaining moments from swim practice. I wish I had a better memory at this point...but these few are about all I can remember at this point:

In the 6 & under practice, we have 3 different groups. One group is seriously just learning how to be comfortable in the water and going all the way under by themselves. Another group is learning how to blow bubbles and learn how to use their legs correctly during freestyle kick. And the third group, my group, is trying to learn the technique for freestyle. Now, yesterday was just about the coldest day we've had so far. The sun was out and shining, yes. But where was the humidity?! It has completely disappeared. Now, that's good for those of you who go outside and actually stay dry. But for us who have to get wet, it's complete torture to stand outside of the pool with the dry wind causing muscle convulsions with monster goosebumps. I'm not even joking. Yesterday was the first day that we implemented our new, longer practice times. The old ones just didn't allow enough time for us to really get a lot of swimming in with stretching and so forth beforehand. Okay, so here's a little math for ya: longer practice + little kids with no body fat + dry atmosphere + freezing pool temperatures = torture for everyone involved (including the coaches and mentors!)

So, after finally escaping the depths of the ice cube, I was able to grab my towel and dry off. Which helped, but my goosebumps never really left. Man, swimming outside this early in the season is tough! Anywho, Will, my assistant, told me after the 10 and Under practice (in which he still had to be in the water), that he couldn't feel his fingers. They. Were. Numb. Not only am I cold natured, but this stuff is chilly!

For my 10 and Under practice, I got to finally see what kind of swimmers we were working with for this season. The best way for me to describe them: they are a mess! Add in the fact they don't listen well and it's cold = makes for an interesting practice. I'm hoping to get some good drill work in today.

Then comes the 11 & ups. The oldest kids on the team. The ones I have HUGE expectations of, because, well, they're older. Up to this point, they haven't even come close to reaching those expectations. They work hard during the actual swim part of the practices, but getting them in the water is like dental surgery: painful and frustrating! I'm just sayin' I don't like the dentist and I don't like having to yell repeatedly to get them in the pool. But sooner or later, when they really get me going, and we do a whole practice in butterfly, they'll figure out I mean business. They just wouldn't last if I did that to them now. I know this fact because every day, someone gets a cramp. And not just a side stitch. Like yesterday, I had them doing sprints from the block. So they were out of the pool, and it's cold. And I'm making them sprint. Trying to get them in shape...and understanding that going fast is different than going slow. You'd be surprised that some can't show me the difference in the pool. Well, one of my high schoolers had a calf cramp so bad that from across the pool, I could physically see his calf in a ball. OUCH! He couldn't really walk. But he also said yesterday (before the cramping incident) that he actually liked practicing now. Accomplishment! I've helped him to like swimming again.

From what I've gathered about the past coaches, they seem like they were lazy and didn't really work on technique a whole lot. Well, you can't have speed if you're not pulling the water correctly. So, the next few weeks? Technique. The speed will come when they aren't turning over on their backs to breathe for freestyle. Maybe I just went on a little rant...

Well, funny story of yesterday's 11 and up practice: I've been calling this one girl Rebecca ALL WEEK LONG. And yesterday, when her older brother questioned it (Who is Rebecca?!?!)...I found out that this girl's name is Danielle. And Rebecca is her mom's name. But she's been responding to it ALL WEEK LONG. I had a pretty good laugh about that one. It still makes me smile. Like Alejandro's cramp. But that would be mean...so not like that at all. I guess I'm just happy that they work so hard during practice, their muscles can't handle it.

OR their diets are so horrible that the muscles have no other option but to cramp. One guy, Chad, who has had a cramp almost every day now, told me yesterday that he ate 4 bags of chips and 2 Pepsis before coming to practice. WHO DOES THAT?! No wonder these kids are cramping. That's like the worst thing ever to eat before a work out. So, in addition to Swimming 101, I'm going to have to start lecturing about Nutrition 101. It's a good think I'm educated in biochemistry and have a college degree. These kids would be lost without me.

Or that's what I'll keep telling myself.

And I just had a stroke of genius. I'll have to write about it tomorrow after I implement it tonight :) Loving being a coach (even though I'm exhausted and seemingly overwhelmed every single day).

[My] Life is a Highway...

2010-04-23T11:48:00.000-05:00

...at least for another week. Literally, I feel like I spend the majority of my day on the highways between College Station and Spring. Maybe that's because I am. With over 4 hours of time in my car A DAY, and over 200 miles driven EACH DAY, I'm beginning to realize that no, I never want to be a truck driver. But thanks for the offer!

So, I have a 3-hour commute (total time) to sit at a desk for 4 hours. Then I have an hour commute (total time, again) to be at swim practice for about 3 hours. Dude. I feel as though I've been run over! It's so exhausting...and I wanted to share with you some things that I've seen/realized/thought about while driving.

While driving, I've seen these things on the road:

A car battery hanging out in the middle of my lane (I had to swerve to avoid it!). I hope the car that it belongs to doesn't need it soon...
Lots of farm equipment traveling at unacceptable speeds
A mobile home being transported
Lots and lots of roadkill
Lots of carnival rides heading back to where they came from (on more than one day!)
The Historical Site sign in Millican is 5/6 missing. I'm not joking...something happened to 5/6 of the thing! It's so weird looking at part of the sign, and not knowing where the other part went!
The sun rise through the foggy fields (this made Thursday's drive a little more intriguing)
Brooding clouds. Yes, clouds can brood. At least they did yesterday...
Lots and lots of cops/sherriffs/patrol units. Don't worry, I haven't met any of them personally.

While driving, avoid idiots like these:

A guy in a green suburban eating lunch who is especially good at "lane drifting". He's dangerous!
The person who speeds up to pass you, gets in front of you, and then slows down...causing you to also have to slam on the brakes. (GRRRRR!)
The person who drives slow (like 15 below the speed limit) because they can. Seriously, that's not safe!
Fast lane-shifting semis. Scary!!!

I've also done a lot of talking to the other drivers. It's never really that mean, but come on people, didn't you take a driving test like the rest of us?! It's absolutely ridiculous the amount of stuff people get away with these days.

So, basically, I'll be super happy when next week is over and my commute will drop a total of 3 hours. I'm so ready for it! Cuz really, my iPod can only play so much music to keep me occupied for so long. I'm just saying. And, I hit 2 different rush hours: the 6:30 Houston rush hour, and then the 8:00 College Station rush hour. There's basically no way I make it to work in less than an hour and 30 minutes. It's just not possible.

4-hour commute + increased physical activity (increased back pain) + 28 six and unders + emotionally draining move = feels like a truck ran over my body and then backed up...

Here's to a weekend where I get to organize my newly refurbished room in my parent's house! Yes, I've been living around boxes all week.

My planned Saturday morning sleep-in can't seem to get here soon enough. Sigh.

Now it's time to pack up and get on the road to H-town yet once again. Happy rainy Friday everyone!

Meet Cynthia*

2010-04-21T10:46:00.000-05:00

There's a lot to catch up on when you move around and travel and start new things all in the same week. This is going to be a hodge-podge of things that have happened/I've been thinking about/I've felt since Monday.

Why Monday?

Well, Monday was my official move-out day. I had been working on packing up all of my stuff in the Shalom Shack for a few weeks, and really, the time flew by. For those who might be moving soon, I found that trying to do a box or two a day is much easier than waiting until the day before the move to start packing. Just a little friendly word of advice :)

Anywho. Moving. I graduated a year ago, and yes, I moved out of the apartment that I had lived in for 2 years. But I never really experienced the emotional part of moving. I knew that I would be back that fall. So moving wasn't that big of a deal.

This time, however, is way more difficult. You see, I'm not going to be moving back to College Station. And after the movers had everything that belonged to me moved out of my bedroom the living room and kitchen, there was a hole gaping in my heart. The living room looked so empty and forlorn (missing a couch and a table). I tried not to imagine my roommates coming home from work later that day and finding it so...so...barren.

When I pulled out of the driveway for the last time (because I no longer own a key), it was almost too much to handle. I fought tears for the next 20 minutes, all the way to Navasota. How in the world was I supposed to start swim practice that day when I was a mess like this?! I had to pull it together.

But really, I never would have imagined the amount of sadness I experienced. Never. I don't know if it's like that for all of the people who leave their college town. It's the place you grow the most and figure out who are you, who your friends are, and where you want to go with life. It's hard to leave.

We get to Spring about an hour and a half later, the movers unload the moving truck into my snazzy new storage unit, complete with climate control, and that's it. We're done by 12:15. And I'm in a funk. Practice starts in less than 4 hours. I'm starving. I'm feeling torn open (on the inside). And my assistant coach is gone until Wednesday.

I was just a tad overwhelmed. Maybe I'll try to plan these things better next time. I mean, I've just recently been able to connect with my emotions again. And let me tell ya, they're some strong ones these days.

My dad helps me to unload my car with some of the necessities I needed until the move, I eat lunch, and collapse on my bed while my dad goes to work. Around 3, I rouse myself to get ready for my first practice as a head coach. Whoa. I'm nervous...go away butterflies!

I'm the first one at the pool. And I don't start freaking out until 17 6&unders show up. That's about a 1/3 of the size of our team. 17. I've never dealt with that many small kids at once! Lord, now's the time for you to show me what patience and creativity look like. By the time the older kids show up, I'm already emotionally exhausted, and seriously can't really take anymore. But, thank goodness that the older ones are more self-sufficient.

All in all, I felt like a failure. I had assured the board that I would be able to handle this! If only I knew that this enormous number of 6&unders seriously terrified me. FAILURE. awesome.

Tuesday started roughly...at 5:00 am! That's the time my alarm is set for every day this week and next. I snooze for 30 minutes, get up, shower, pull together my lunch, and then head out by 6:30 am to head to College Station for 4 hours of work. By noon, I'm on my way back to Spring.

Basically, what this amounts to is a lot of time to think about my time as a failure coach. Positive, yes? Actually, it gave me alot of time to talk to Father.

"Okay, Lord, you clearly provided this job. You were the one to make it evident this is where I'm supposed to be. How come I don't see you? I don't see your hand in this situation. Please show me why you put me as a coach for this team."

When I'm weak, He's strong. He provided 4 more 6&unders yesterday! And two more-than-willing helpers. Okay, so Tuesday was a little better. And the 11&ups were in pain after their drylands. Success! I did my job well.

My realization from the last two days? Don't shut down, stay positive, supply encouragement, and seek out help. I don't have to do this alone. 21 youngsters is a lot. to. handle. Try it someday - it's not easy. I definitely have a new-found respect for my Aunt, who teaches kindergarten. No one could pay me enough to do that day after day, year after year.

So I've discovered that my gifts do not include interacting with small children. God definitely uses opportunities to show us how He wants to use us one day, right? Yes. I repeat: STRONG YES!

Today is Wednesday, and I'm sitting at my desk in College Station, sore from practice. And I'm growing in several areas. My leadership skills are improving. I'm finding out it's good to delegate and communicate effectively. And it's okay to say I'm overwhelmed. I'll eventually get the hang of it.

At this point, you might be wondering, "Who's Cynthia?" She's a junior in high school, attending the school "where the bad kids go". She's also dedicated and from what I can tell, willing to learn from me. So, she's the answer to my prayer (Where is your hand, Lord?)...

After talking to her for just a few minutes while waiting for her dad to pick her up, I had an immense peace about the whole situation. Before that? Butterflies. But for some reason, I just know it's all going to work out.

God gave me this job. And learning how to lead is difficult to say the least. I've gotten good at following. But I'm being pushed and He's growing me. It's comforting to know that I'm not doing this alone.

Moving on...

2010-04-18T15:43:00.000-05:00

Today marks my last full day as a resident in College Station, Texas. Over the last 5 years, there have been quite a few different experiences and memories created. Here's my collection of pictures to show for it:

Freshman year:

I went to Fish Camp (and Impact).

I was the only one to witness my older sister's ring day.

I went on a few road trips.

I went on a blind date to the BQ Ball.

I turned 19.

I went to the HLSR to see Pat Green.

Sophomore Year:

I was an Impact counselor.

I went to the BQ Ball (not on a blind date).

I turned 20.

I became an Impact Co-Chair.

I went to NYC.

Junior Year:

I went to Impact for the last time.

I was an Upstream leader.

I went to China for the first time.

I got my Aggie Ring.

I found my best friend.

I went to China for the second time.

Senior Year:

I went to midnight yell for the last time as a student.

I stood next to one of my best friends as she married her very best friend.

I turned 22 and got whipped cream smeared on my face.

I went to a dance for my Aggie Ring.

I walked across a stage and claimed my very own really expensive piece of paper! Thanks mom and dad!

After Graduation:

I went to China for the 3rd time, this time for 6 weeks.

Had some amazing roommates.

I turned 23.

I interviewed and got my first real-deal full-time job.

So there ya have it. The last 5 years. The years where I discovered great people. The years where I discovered my passions and desires. The time when I became a person with a degree that might actually mean something one day.

The days that taught me what life is really about: the Gospel, community, and good coffee. I'm just saying that this time has made me who I am. It's a bitter-sweet "See ya later" to College Station.

{Hello, unknown...}

Part 10: The End (or is it?)

2010-04-16T12:09:00.000-05:00

This is the final part of my Germany Chronicles series. Click the link above to read the first 9 parts.

My heart couldn't be ripped out many more times and still survive intact.

___________________________________________

After Matthias left for Germany, I knew that things were different between us. We had conversed about more waiting, something I wasn't really that willing to participate in. He didn't seem to worry about the massive amount of time it took communicate, albeit, we had decided to start talking more through emails because of my episode in February. And I felt like I had already told him the most important piece of information.

Early in this series, I mentioned in a fleeting comment about how impatient I can be. This situation is the ideal example of how much I didn't want to wait for the Lord to lead us together, if it was His will. I wanted a commitment; I wanted more than what I was offered.
So I started to pursue the option of dating Thomas. By the end of the summer, it was clear that I liked him and he liked me. After school started, things continued. We talked on AIM quite a bit (old school, right?!) and things seemed to be taking off in the relationship direction. But I still hadn't settled the situation with Matthias. I had no idea how he felt about me still. Becuase of his lack of urgency, I couldn't be sure that he felt even close to the admiration I felt for him.

By the end of August in 2004, I was certain of my decision to end it. "It" being a relative term, because we didn't have anything official. In an email, I told Matthias I wanted to send him a letter, so I needed his new stateside address.

I proceeded to write my version of a "Dear John" letter. I told him about Thomas and how I felt like things were going to work out and consequently, felt held back by our relationship. I explained how I had started to experience my feelings change earlier that year when I had been forced to break my own heart.

In my head, it seemed like it would have been easier to make a clean break than to continue this non-relationship-type friendship. Just let me tell you, it's almost impossible for guys and girls to be good friends without one or the other having feelings for the other. That topic will have to be another entirely different blog post in and of itself.

Before he actually received The Letter, he wrote, "To be honest I'm afraid it could be something bad, but I'll see..."

I felt horrible. He already had a feeling of impending doom...

Nonetheless, I sent the letter several months later and he documented the actual delivery in an email to me. It also gave him a chance to express his feelings about the entire situation.

He wasn't surprised. He actually had been expecting it because we hadn't talked for a couple of months. He felt the same way as I did. Our relationship had lost its validity when we decided to wait. Overall, even though he seemed to accept everything that I had said well, he still seemed hurt. We had a lot of history, and I was still having serious doubts that it could be over. I had given him my heart. And then I took it back.

It was easier for me to move on from him with Thomas in the picture. 8 months later, I would question my decision to finalize the end with Matthias. I've been questioning it ever since.
_______________________________________

It's been almost 7 years since I first met Matthias that fateful summer in Germany. 6 years since we ended it. 5 years since I've emailed with him (just to catch up, randomly). 3 years since I found him on the German facebook site. 2 years since he found the real facebook, and we became "friends" again.

Looking back through all of these memories and diving back into old letters and emails has shown me one thing: a heart can't really forget it's first love. I still wonder what could have happened had I been willing to be patient and wait out the time apart. He had been considering moving to Houston to attend school there in order to be closer to me. We had talked about future plans...and mutually, we had agreed that during the time we communicated, the other person was equally important to be in the other's life.

In the present, would he still feel the same way? Or, because I have been single since high school, am I just trying to hold on to the past and not move forward? If we were to meet randomly, what would we say to each other?

Why can't I let go? Since I started doing this series, I've been asking myself what the point was...beyond writing about my own "Dear John" experience. The point? I'm not finished. I let go some time ago. But I'm not done with the story.

[This part might only make sense to Twilight readers: When I read the Twilight series about a year and a half ago, I could never imagine Robert Pattinson's face as Edward. It didn't fit right for me. I had seen the movie first, so it should have been easy for his face to magically make its way into the action in my head. But not really. Matthias' face was my Edward. It definitely took me a while to figure out why I couldn't see Robert, but once I saw that Matthias just fit, it was no going back. All vampire qualities aside, Matthias is my "Edward" subconsciously.]

When I finished Dear John, I was so mad at the characters. She had moved on, and was happy, yes, but always wondered about what could have happened with John. It frustrates me to know that this will always be my reality, not just a fictional story. I guess I will always wonder what could have happened and what might have been. If given another chance, and knowing what I know now, things might look a whole lot different.

But there's really no reason to think about what might have been or what could have happened. If things had worked out with Matthias, there's a good chance I wouldn't have come to the greatest college of all time. I wouldn't have had some of the best roommates on the planet. I wouldn't have met my absolute best friend of all time. I wouldn't have been able to experience my love affair with Chinese people. I wouldn't be who I am, who God planned for me to be. So, no, I don't regret anything.

But I will always love him, whether he knows it or not.

Part 9: Leaving on a Jet Plane

2010-04-14T11:34:00.002-05:00

This post is a continuation of my Germany Chronicles series. Please click the link above to read the first 8 parts.

He was still the blue-eyed blonde I had left last summer. But something was different. We had a history this time. A long, detailed history...

______________________________________________
Over the time that Matthias and his German buddies were in Houston, I was consistently busy trying to balance the time spent with them and my other responsibilities, mainly swimming. Because it was summer, I was doomed to awaken before the sun even rose to endure the torture of the lukewarm 50-meter pool. Swimming in the early mornings while watching the sun rise. It definitely sounds more romantic than the actual reality of the sun glaring into your eyes every time you turn your head to breathe. How annoying!

But during these mundane practices, I was fighting an emotional turmoil. With several hours to ponder the complexities of my "relationship" with Matthias each morning, swimming was generally the last thing on my mind. Swimming is a sport that doesn't quite completely takeover your thoughts, or at least it never took mine. Maybe that's why I never really advanced as far as I should have. I had the potential. I just never took the initiative to acquire those goals. Shame on me.

[What was I talking about? Matthias...yes, I remember now!]

During these few weeks with Matthias in person, there were a couple of opportunities for us to be together. I have to admit that I maybe kind-of skipped a couple of swim practices in order to participate in different service activities.

While their team of people was here, there was a certain organization to the madness. Because of the number of participants who turned out to help on certain days, we were split into several groups. My two other sisters were in a different group than myself. It was strange how these things were decided. I learned later that because my family was hosting 2 girls, my sisters were paired with them and other host/hostee pairs. I was placed in a group consisting of my past team members with German teenagers that I already knew from the previous summer. Coincidence? I think not.

Regardless of the way we were split, Matthias and I were able to spend some together with other mutual friends. I remember one day in particular.

We had traveled to a nearby apartment community to reach out to the children and minister to them. Matthias ended up playing basketball on the courts, whereas I was playing different games in an area closeby. On this particular afternoon, Matthias twisted his ankle. Good thing I was there to take care of him!

In a matter of a few minutes, I had convinced myself that if I took care of his ankle, he would maybe see how much potential I had. By potential, I seriously mean "wife material". I wanted to prove my capacity for caring for him in a way that no one else possibly could. By this point in their trip, it was pretty obvious to other people that there was "something" going on between the two of us. I didn't try to hide it. I had been trying to "mark my territory" the entire time.

I'm fully aware I'm not a dog, but there were serious threats coming from fellow American girls, girls who were able to be at the different events quite a bit more than me. My thoughts towards these other girls went along the lines of "Did you go to Germany last summer? NO. Did you meet him and then write letters back and forth for a year? NO. Did you receive the best birthday present ever from him? NO. BACK OFF."
Now, I never actually said these things out loud...but let's be honest. I'm quite embarrassed to see how I treated the whole situation in my head. My heart couldn't handle losing him again - let alone to someone who was not as committed as I was already.

All these girls wanted was a "summer fling". Okay, so the accents make you melt, I admit. I will also own up to the appeal of being with a foreign guy. I met him innocently one afternoon with no intention of ever making it as far as we had come. I never intended to fall in love. I never wanted to have to "slow things down" from across an ocean. But it happened. And I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

During his stateside visit, Matthias and I made a point to spend some time alone. We had things to talk about. Through the last year, I had kept asking him what we were considered. His response? "We are just friends for now. Let's get to know each other better before we commit to being more."

Yes, logically, it made sense. My heart didn't want it to be that easy. So, my heart and my head were saying completely different things.

Over the last year, my dad had talked to me on several different occasions about my feelings for this man. During one intense conversation, he wanted me to seriously consider the possibilty of moving to Germany to be with this man. Gulp. Move halfway around the world? Learn a new language? Live there for the rest of my human life?

I was ready to commit.

But it was more complicated. It always is, right?

For starters, I still had another year of high school. And he was about to move to New York in the fall to work with an inner-city ministry there.

When we ever-so-quietly snuck away to have time alone, we discussed the details of what we were. I desperately wanted him to go ahead and commit. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to start heading in the "official title" direction. You know...girlfriend, fiance, wife.

My deepest fears became a reality: more waiting.

But wasn't it him who had mentioned something his father had once told him? "The three most important things in life are to find God, find a good job, and find someone to spend your life with. You already have the first thing. You already know what the second one is, and now you just have to find that third thing."

The suggestiveness of him saying this wisdom to me was enough to make me believe he was committing to me. In my head, that was him saying that I was the one. Right? I convinced myself that it meant one day, I would be his wife.

How absolutely bold and foolish of me.

The time came for our German partners to leave. It was a cloudy, dreary day. And the weather could not have matched my mood more perfectly.

Memories of the last few weeks flooded my mind. I couldn't stop picturing the way his face lit up when he stepped off the elevator that first day and saw me. I couldn't get the feeling of holding his hand (interdigitated, might I add) for the first time that fateful afternoon when he twisted his ankle. The afternoon he spent with my family at our neighborhood pool. The trip to New Braunfels and Austin to see the Capital of Texas. And then the discussions that we had which ultimately meant more waiting.

I was an emotional mess. I was in love and having to leave my man for the second time. At this point, we had spent maybe 2.5 total weeks together physically. My heart was acting as if it couldn't find a rhythm. Surely someone had ripped it out in the last days and attempted to put it back in, good as new.

Before we left to take our two hostee girls to the airport, I wrote Matthias a letter. He was instructed to not open it until he got on the plane. I couldn't bear to have him read it in front of me.

Once my family arrived to the airport, I bolted out of the car into the terminal and found him immediately. I handed him my note. They checked into their flight, and left to go find their gate. I watched as he rode up the escalator to pass through security. When he approached the top, he turned around and paused. I waved. And then he disappeared.

My heart was in his hands. [Literally. Remember that note? I wrote to him that I loved him.]

I was so afraid of losing him.
Soon after he disappeared to finish his journey stateside, my face was buried into my dad's chest. Surely true love never really felt like this.

My heart couldn't be ripped out many more times and still survive intact.

Part 8: Herz Brechen

2010-04-13T14:46:00.001-05:00

This is a continuation of my Germany Chronicles series. Click the link above to see the first 7 parts.

And that night, I probably most definitely dreamt of him and his voice.

_________________________________________________
November passed...

December passed...

We had ceased to talk through emails. It was better for us to "slow down" our long-distance relationship and only write snail mail.

Whose brilliant idea was that? Mine.

After hearing from him on my birthday, several months passed without hearing from him. Everyday, I would frantically search the mail in hopes of finding an envelope addressed to me. Nothing. For months.

This kind of waiting is different from all the other kinds I've experienced since then. It wasn't just waiting to hear from a good friend. I wasn't frantically searching for a message that just said "Hi." Or the familiar ring of my cell phone.

My heart was on the line here. All of it - even though Matthias didn't quite know it. I never told him how I really felt. We had been more concerned about doing things in God's timing than sharing our real feelings.

So now, as I look back on that time in my life...I have to wonder if things might be different. The impatience that I experienced at that age was rampant. After several months of waiting for a letter from Germany, I had pretty much given up. I was on the edge of believing he had completely forgotten about me...the girl who made his hands shake and made him wonder what was happening to him.

In his previous letters, he apologized quite a bit about not responding as quickly as he should have and making me wait for him. At those times, I had cared less. I didn't really have to wait that long to hear from him...and it gave me more time to read the letters several times a day at school. Obsessed much? Yes, maybe I was.

I remember the night I received his next letter vividly. I had gone to swim practice that day and went home to eat dinner. After dinner, my mom went to pick up the mail. When she returned inside, I was already upstairs, preparing to work on homework.

She walks into the house, closes the door (beep beep beep went the alarm system), and yells, "ERIN!"

I stopped what I was doing, turned around slowly, and went to see what the fuss was about.

Upon seeing she successfully got my attention, she said, "You have a letter from Germany..."

[Remember to breathe, Erin!]

I ran down the stairs at lightning speed, grabbed the letter out of her hands, and ran back to my room.

Before even opening the envelope, I had tears running down my face. It had been way too long! I had basically given up hope. The whole thing might as well have been a dream.

And yet, here I was, holding the proof in my hands that it wasn't fake. It was a reality.

With my bedroom door successfully shut, I eventually opened the envelope...to read the first few words...and then to start crying my eyes out all over again.

He was sorry that he had waited so long to write...again.

It was that winter night when things started to change. I had put my whole heart on the line without telling anyone, and I had to break it along the way because nothing had lived up to my expectations. The tears shed that night? My broken heart in pieces. His letter acted as the final blow, without him even knowing.

But life went on...

We continued to be friends that spring and correspond...as I went to a military ball and then a band banquet with other guys who might or might not have been "interested." I was boy crazy, I tell ya!

School ends, and summer begins. Beach Retreat (BR) happens. BR is exactly what it sounds like: high school teenagers going to the beach for a week all under the name of a church. Beaching. Retreating. It all happened.

It was that year at BR when I met Thomas. Nothing happened at first. And then later in the summer, something started happening. [My life is beginning to sound like a soap opera, yes?]

Matthias and his fellow German teammates arrived sometime in June.

Before I saw him again in person, my stomach had turned into a butterfly mill. When I thought about him, I still had those flutters deep down. I couldn't rid them...and didn't really want to. I was so excited to actually see him and touch him (by this I mean hug!) and spend actual time with him.

The youth group was really excited about our partnership with our German friends. Everyone wanted to be involved when they were here. This fact maybe, kind-of, annoyed me. Half of these people didn't even go last summer! That was me being selfish and wanting the Germans to be mine. But sadly, I didn't own them, even if I wanted to. Hello, can you tell I was 17?!

The afternoon they arrived into the country, their first stop was the church. That's where I was waiting for him...butterflies and all. When they stepped off the elevator, I immediately found him and made my way into his arms.

He was still the blue-eyed blonde I had left last summer. But something was different. We had a history this time.

A long, detailed history...

Swim Suits

2010-04-01T09:16:00.000-05:00

Yes, okay...so I'm a head swim coach.

And I haven't been in a swim suit for almost 2 years.

TWO YEARS.

[let me take a moment and scream!]

I didn't even get to go to the beach last summer. Huge fail.

With that being said, I was told by a friend about this site: Lime Ricki, where they make and sell great modest swim suits. These suits weren't made for swim practice, but I can definitely wear one to the beach if I get a chance to go this year! I've scoured their website, and love the styles and longer-length options. It's so great. I wish I had known about this place sooner. Because, really, if I'm honest, I'll never really be one of those bikini-clad beach goers, and I'm okay with that. I'm just not sure that much skin should be exposed to the sun. Skin cancer, people!

So here's the kicker. Go to this blog: Lime Ricki Give-Away and set yourself up to get one of these cuties! You know you want to :)

Happy Thursday (it's my Friday)...And a Happy Birthday to my roommate and friend, Leslie J!!! She turns 23 today - and is getting married in less than 2 months! So great.

Part 7: The Letters

2010-03-20T00:06:00.001-05:00

*this is a continuation of my Germany Chronicles series, and you should check out the first 6 parts before reading below!

I finally found the folder I needed to finish this journey...

And that year, we would write...

______________________________________________________________________

For the group of Texans that went to Germany that summer, our trip was scheduled from July 1st through the 12th. From what I remember on the night we got back (it was the 13th because of time changes), all I did was sit on my bed with the Downhere cd on repeat in my room. I was in a daze...and my emotions had not completely caught up with me. About 2 days earlier, I had been with Matthias physically. That was before I had to leave him. And it was before our tragic flight home.

This daze...it was for multiple reasons. I couldn't seriously believe that the trip was already over. Was it even real? I'm sure I must have pinched myself several times. I wasn't dreaming, right?

Over the next few weeks, several things would be a comfort to me as I tried to get back to my "normal" life. Whatever that was.

First of all, my pictures. After taking the disposable cameras to Walgreens to be developed and actually having to go back to pick the prints up, these objects proved that what happened was, in fact, real. Second, my music. Three cds remind me of my journey: Josh Groban's Closer, Warren Barfield's self-titled album, and Downhere's self-titled album. Thirdly, my stomach could not seem to forget Matthias' touch. This last one might be silly. But I was 16...and seriously inexperienced with any kind of contact with the opposite gender. So, my mind wouldn't really let go of this one. Fourthly (but it's really first), I had recieved an email on the 10th of July - 2 days before I had even gotten back - from Matthias. *heart, be still*

I no longer have a digital copy of this first email...but I did print off a copy the night I received it.

It is on this copy I have made my own notes to point out the highlights of what he wrote. Some of these things went like this:

"I tried so hard to divert myself, but I just can't stop thinking of you..."

"My hands are still shaking as I write this and I think I never felt like this before. What did you do to me?" (I probably giggled when I first read that one.)

"I really wished we would have had more time together alone." (he added the bold)

"When you asked me what I wanted from the states, do you know what came to my mind first? You. I just didn't dare tell you that then." (At one point during the trip, I strategically asked him what he might want from the states...and his hesitation was enough to answer the question until I saw this email...)

See? Now maybe it might make more sense as to why I printed it out...reading it once was simply not enough.

Over the next few months, we wrote back and forth using email and snail mail. The average time for a real piece of mail to get from one address to the other was about 9 days.

We wrote of "I miss you" and "I miss you too". We wrote of vacations. We spent time talking about what we could officially define our relationship as. He wrote a lot about how he doesn't write a lot, but that didn't mean he doesn't care. He just can't think of what to say.

By August, I was sure I was in love. Head-over-heals-I'll-move-to-Germany-for-you love.

I had to be careful of who I expressed this fact to. And to be honest, I can't think of a single person I actually told. I was afraid people would tell me I was crazy. I didn't want to hear the things I had heard up until that point: "guard your heart", "it's just not logical", "the age difference is too much", "he lives too far away".

Those conversations went against everything I felt. Okay, maybe the whole situation wasn't logical. But really, how can I just tell my heart to stop beating? It wasn't going to change anything.

Regardless of how my heart felt, I was quite reserved in my emails and letters. I spoke with him about how we needed to slow things down - I'm only 16! And I still 2 more years of high school. This can't be good to go so fast when we are so far away. Writing to each other in the way that we had been was quite dangerous.

"I miss you so bad and I feel like you were gone for a year already" (I had been gone a total of 20 days)

"...but you know you can take this as another proof of your beauty and kindness..."

"I'm really missing you badly and praying for you and that God may lead our ways together if it's his will..."

"I can't wait to see you again..."

A few months into it, he mentioned me coming to visit over Christmas and New Year's. Whoa. If I had been 23, there would maybe be no question if I could go. But I was 16, and was sure my parents would deny me the opportunity. I mentioned it in passing...but I don't think I was actually taken seriously by them.

November approached...our shared birthday month. I can't remember what I sent him as a present. But I think I was excited about it because he definitely wrote about how he was excited to receive it...because I had talked about it so much.

My birthday was about 20 days after his, and I honestly didn't expect anything. I would have been happy with just a letter telling me happy birthday.

As it turns out, I did get a letter...

And a piece of his past.

This shows his old drum (the one I now possess) and his new one.

It did indeed arrive broken. But I don't know how to play the drums, and this gift was better than anything else he could have given me. It still sits in my room and I will never get rid of it. When I actually grow up and officially move out of my parent's house, then I will take it with me.

With his gift, he also sent pictures with great explanations on the backs.

...sorry for the blur...

On my actual birthday, after arriving home from swim practice, the phone rings...one of my parents answers the phone (like usual) and then subsequently calls out my name for me to get it. At this point, I can't think of any person who could be calling me.

I answer. "Hello?"

"Hello, Erin..."

My heart starts pounding. It can't be. No way. I'm dreaming. I can't stand up anymore. Where 's the chair...oh, there it is. Sit. BREATHE.

"Hi...I can't believe it's you..."

He called. On my 17th birthday. To wish me a happy birthday. And almost gave me a heart attack in the process.

It was so fabulous to hear his voice again - the smooth richness of it, his accent - and it seriously felt right.

I don't remember the conversation from that night. But I remember hanging up feeling as if I was never going to fall asleep again.

And that night, once I fell asleep, I probably most definitely dreamt of him and his voice.

On this Friday...

2010-03-19T20:43:00.000-05:00

I slept until 9:30.
I ate breakfast and drank my coffee.
I checked email, twitter, and facebook.
I motivated myself to get started on the "closet purge of highschool-ness".

I found many amusing objects of my past today.

I want to share with you some of the finds:

These are my dad's. He won it at a men's BBQ event. And it ended up in my closet.

Dried Corsages from high school events. These two are from my senior proms (yes, I went to 2).

These are from various other dances (homecoming one year and a military ball and junior prom).

A Battalion from 2006.

It was about Dr. Gates leaving A&M.

A box of old "boyfriend" stuff. This box seriously made a few giggles escape. HA!

SAT study books. Because every 23-yo needs these after college.

A newspaper from my mom about pharmacists. She sent this to me while I was still in college - and it ended up under my bed in her house. Irony.

Good ol' American Girl stuff. These won't be going anywhere. They are safely stored back under my bed.

Yes, my mom was concerned about the spiders in my mail box. She was so considerate! (sorry it's sideways...it wouldn't cooperate)

The big letter my orchestra buddies in Georgia made me when I moved to Texas in 8th grade. Hilarious.

These were a big deal back in '99. At 13, I wanted nothing more than to fill it completely. Now, I'm tempted to just take out the quarters that are in there and use them...

You know you swam for 10 years when...you find 2 shoeboxes full of ribbons and another much bigger box devoted to trophies and plaques.

Who would've guessed I'm the proud owner of an iPAQ?!?! Yeah, I don't even know what it does either. Maybe that's why it was under my bed...

So there was my exciting day. It's really funny how you have to make a big mess to clean things out and organize. My back does not like activities like this...and I've figured out that I do carry my stress in my shoulders. Does anyone want to give me a good back rub?!

Nah, it's okay. I'll just take my anti-inflammatories and lay around the rest of the night. Now I just have to organize things to go where they need to go.

Any idea what do to with old school stuff?! That might be the hardest question of the day. Ugh.

Oh, yes...to finish off my day, my younger sister L made an entire meal from The Pioneer Woman's cookbook.

Meatloaf:

Mashed Potatoes:

Mocha-chocolate brownies:

It was really good. A good way to finish off an exhausting day...too bad nothing relieves back pain.

Part 7 Coming Soon!

2010-03-19T12:37:00.000-05:00

Oh dear...the endeavors I have created for myself.

Upon my decision to accept a swim team coaching job in Houston, I have to clean out my room in my parent's house so I can move back into it...

Which means there's a lot of stuff to go through in the next few days. Maybe I'll document some of the process.

In the meantime, I decided to start under my bed - and found the folder of letters that Matthias had written to me. I was starting to have some serious doubts about whether or not I would be able to find them. I haven't seen this folder in YEARS.

But, alas, I have discovered it in the depths of the under-bed. And now, I am definitely going to be prepared to write part 7. My heart is pounding because I am so stinking excited about this find.

sigh.

How great these things work out.

So, I apologize to make you wait longer. But it will be on my list of things to work on in the next days here at my parent's house.

Woohoo!

Until later,
ED

Part 6: Journeying Home

2010-03-16T11:57:00.002-05:00

*this is a continuation of my real-life Dear John story. visit the "Germany Chronicles" tab to read the first 5 parts*

Sometimes, dreams do come true.
____________________________________________________________

Out of all of the International trips that I've been on in my 23 years, I can definitely say that this adventure had the most emtional roller-coasters. My journeys to China are completely different in the emotional arena. Maybe the difference also comes from age and maturity. But in all honesty, this trip to Germany did nothing less than keep us all on our toes. After a group of 6 get lost on a train in their pjs, another guy had gotten lost our last night in Munich. Our youth minister seriously didn't know where he had gone off to - and this guy finally made it back to our hotel, but it was a scary deal! This was before everyone had cell phones that worked internationally.

However, on our long flight back to America, an incident occured that helped me to see just how precious a gift we have in the life given to us.

While on the plane, I was happily consumed with the entertainment tv on the back of the chair in front of me. It wasn't until the captain made an announcement that went something like, "If you are a doctor, we ask your assistance in the rear of the plane"...did I know that something terribly wrong had happened. Again, it was like a scene of a movie. These kinds of things just really don't ever happen in real life.

Because I was located near the back of the train, I began to search for the source of the problem, and crane my neck to look behind me. What I saw shook me to the core.

One of my fellow team members and travel companion to Cologne was purple - and didn't appear to be breathing.

At this point, we were flying over the midwestern United States - and we turned around to head back to Chicago to get him some help.

They took him back to the galley in the rear portion of the plane and closed the curtains. Clearly, whatever was happening, they were trying to keep from the rest of us.

When we landed in Chicago, they had an ambulance waiting on the runway. My youth minister left the plane to stay with him...so we were left to wonder what had happened to our friend. We only had a few more hours before we would get to Houston.

Upon arriving in Houston, before heading to baggage claim and to see our families, they pull our entire group into a private room. One of the other ministers from our church was there - and we all knew something had gone terribly wrong. It was here, in this room, that we learned our friend Jim had passed away on our journey home.

Before we left to go find our families (who had also been informed of the incident), we were given the opportunity to process what this meant for our team and our trip. After several moments, I leave the room to go find my family.

Successfully making it through customs, I go to baggage claim and see my family waiting. We gather my luggage, exchange the money I had left over, and head home.

I would like to say that I was grieving for my friend Jim. If I'm being honest, I was the selfish 16-year-old that can only think of herself. And I didn't know Jim that well, but I knew he was ultimately in a better place.

The conversation on the ride home went something like this:
"So, mom and dad, there's this boy..."

"Oh, really, sweetie?"

"No, like, there really IS a boy. And he's German. And we are, like, going to be writing back and forth."

"Honey, what about what happened to Jim? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Did I mention there's, like, a German boy?"

...a little while later...

"Dad, you would have freaked out if you knew that a few nights ago, I was, like, lost on a train in Germany...in my boxers...and only socks on my feet..."

"Yes, honey, it's good I didn't know that happened. I would have been a little frazzled."

"Yeah. We got lost on the dining car. Jim was with us."

"Well, honey, I'm glad you're safe."

...

"I want to go back to Germany one day, but for now, I'm just looking forward to next summer when Matthias will be coming here..."

"That's a long time from now, sweetie."

"Maybe. But he's special. And we're going to write this year. It's going to be great."
_____________________________

And that year, we did write...

What I'm looking forward to...

2010-03-16T10:25:00.000-05:00

On Saturday of this last weekend, we got a taste of how glorious spring is in southern Texas. Spring only lasts about a couple of hours before it turns into summer here (which is quite miserable and humid).

Katy and I took a little walk down to the park close to our house to lay on a blanket in the sun and basically just absorb it's joy and warmth. And really, it was so relaxing. The temperature was so perfect and the sun provided just the right amount of warmth to keep the chill off. Last summer, I missed not being around a pool for the first time in about 15 years. Every summer before that, I lived at the pool, either by swimming in it for practice or coaching by it for teams. It was definitely quite different to travel halfway around the world to be in a place that doesn't have central air conditioning.

So what am I looking forward to in a month? Being on a pool deck again and feeling the sun bleach my hair back to its lighter brown days. It wasn't until about a week ago when the weather finally started behaving, that I realized how much I have missed being outside.

In college, you get to walk outside to get from class to class (or at least I got to). When you work full-time, it's definitely harder to actually make it outside and help your body make some vitamin D. Especially when it's cold, cloudy, and rainy/snowy. This winter was awful (shiver)!

But when you get to take an hour for lunch and travel to a local park, it's the best feeling to have the sun shine on your face. Last Thursday was the best lunch I've had while I've been working full-time. This year, I definitely appreciate the warmth much more. Mostly because I've basically frozen to death in my office this winter. My fingers and toes are much appreciative of the time outside.

Being outside gives me life. It's peaceful, and I seriously love how God created everything so perfectly. On Sunday, the sermon was from Psalm 19 - and how David is amazed at the wonder of what God created for our enjoyment. God paints sunsets for us. He creates gorgeous Saturday afternoons so that we may lay in the sun and enjoy the glory of His creation. It definitely fit in with what I've been experiencing with the weather. No other creature can appreciate the beauty and intimate gift that God has given exclusively to us.

So I'm looking forward to being outside and enjoying the weather this spring (the few short hours it will last), and ultimately, this summer around the pool deck. He knows our hearts. He gives us gifts that we don't deserve...and it makes me stand in awe of who He is.

Lost. (part 5 of the chronicles)

2010-03-13T18:00:00.001-06:00

*this is a continuation of my true-life Dear John story. if you missed the first 4 parts, visit the tab above labeled, "The Germany Chronicles"*

If there was a ever a time when I wanted a train to stop and turn around, it was at this moment. Where is the emergency brake?! This can't be possible...I can't handle leaving him like this!

_________________________________________________________

Our journey was far from being over.

After the train left the station, the dread I felt about leaving Matthias was gone. I had a peace about how the relationship had happened and where we had left things. Granted, Matthias was in a totally different stage in life than I was. But at 16, having this guy express interest in me was well, perfect.

Our groups proceed to find our sleeper rooms - each with 6 beds in them! That night was going to be an adventure, in more ways than one. In my room, it was quite difficult to squeeze 6 large suitcases and 6 women with backpacks. It worked...and we proceed to get ready to sleep for our journey to Munich. For me, this meant I took off my tennis shoes, changed into my red valentine boxers, and got a picture of the only time I would be in my triple-top bunk bed. To this day, I still have no idea where that picture went.

A view of the sleeper rooms - this was not my room. It's just to give you an idea about the size.

After taking this picture, a few of the older ladies wanted to discuss my "circumstances" in the dining car. Another girl on the trip, G, had similar circumstances...so she joined us as well. We all order hot chocolate from the wait-person and dive right in. These older ladies wanted to know what had happened over the last 8 days with these German boys! As we indulged them with details about what happened, how we felt, and what we intended to do after we got back to America, the train slowly made progress. We would travel for a while, and then we would stop to allow passengers on and off.

At one of these stops, we noticed how long we had been waiting to start up again. All the while, we keep talking. After leaving our abnormally long stop, we decide that since it is maybe after 1 in the morning, we should find our beds and try to get some sleep before we arrive at our destination. We leave the dining car, which contained 2 other guys from our team, and head back to find our car and eventually, our bed. We go through train car after train car with no success. We go back to the dining car and mention it to the other 2 guys...and they go looking. When they arrive back, we know something is terribly wrong.

We try to communicate with the wait-person in the dining car, but it turns out he does not speak English, and none of us speak German well enough to converse. Interesting. What do we do now?

Eventually, after wondering around trying to find a person who might speak English, we find a train engineer who speaks perfect English! It was a huge relief. Once we find out that we have indeed switched trains and are now on our way to the West side of Germany as opposed to the Southern side, unbelief set in. I had on a tshirt, boxers, and socks. Luckily, I still had my passport on me, but not everyone in the 6 of us did. Huh. This is crazy.

I'm pretty sure I never panicked. I thought the situation was kinda fun. Our little group of 6 went on the "scenic tour" to get to our final destination...which means more adventure!

This English-speaking engineer helped us figure out where to go and even helped us figure out a way to meet our group in Munich, after a stop in Cologne. Want to know a perk? We got to ride the fastest train in Europe for FREE! How many people have done that? I'm one of them.

We found out later that one of the other adult leaders had woken up about the same time that we realized we were on the wrong train. God had this situation in His hands the whole time. I was never worried.

We finally arrived to Munich, about an hour after the rest of our group. They had a stressful event getting all of our belongings off the train as it was stopped, but they managed it marvelously! After we got the chance to change out of our pjs, we went on our way to become tourists.

The morning after getting "lost" in Germany.

Over the next day and half, we visited a castle, went to Dachou concentration camp, and got to wonder around and absorb Munich for the city that it is.

Neuschwanstein Castle.

Dachou concentration camp. This picture shows where the old barracks used to be before they were torn down.

The bathroom at Dachou for the prisoners.

The washroom.

During our stay in Munich, my mind was only half there. I kept wanting to search for his familiar face...I wanted him to be with us. However, I was strangely at peace in my heart about leaving and going back home.

The last night in Munich.

Sometimes, fairy tales do come true.

It's officially official...

2010-03-12T11:16:00.000-06:00

Just moments ago, I accepted a head coaching position for a summer league swim team in Spring, a suburb of Houston.

*SIGH OF RELIEF*

This decision is based off of the hope that I have in Jesus to provide different opportunities in the various seasons of life. I know that this is His provision for right now. The circumstances could not have happened in a more perfect way.

About 3-4 weeks ago, my mom had mentioned that I should look for a coaching job for the time after my time at TTI is over. It's temporary, but it's definitely something as opposed to the nothing that I had at the time. Last week, I finally took the time to research the possibility of coaching after my previous boss and head coach informed me that she had her assistants from last year coming back for this season. I researched...and there were a few options. I chose one pretty much randomly, and emailed the team contact.

We emailed back and forth a few times before I discovered they were only looking for assistant coaches. It's not a bad thing to be an assistant - I've done it 4 times, with great experiences 3 out of the 4 times. However, I kind of felt like I needed to look for something more.

----Last weekend passes on by--->

I get an email on Monday morning saying that this team I had contacted no longer had a head coach. Something had happened...and they wanted to interview ME.

Um.
Gosh.
Crazy.
YES!

I agree to meet with some of the board members this past Tuesday when I was in Houston for various reasons, and it went well. I believe that I can work with them and communicate things that will need to get done. Overall, I thought it was a great fit. Then they said they would let me know by Thursday.

Wednesday rolls around, I get up, go downtown to meet with my dad's boss about life, circumstances, and resume building. There is still a potential opportunity...but I'm not going to talk about it just yet. We'll have to wait to see what happens there. I get to have lunch with my mom :) and on my way home, I get a phone call from the swim team. It's Wednesday, not Thursday, and I thought I would get more time! I tell them I can't quite make my decision yet - so he says he will call back on Friday (ahem, that's today).

After hanging up, I become really overwhelmed...and can't control the tears as they roll down my face for about 30 minutes. I don't ever cry. I felt broken. Lost. Overwhelmed. Why is life so stinking hard?

But now you're probably thinking this situation doesn't make sense. This team is a good fit - and it's perfect. Well, it's just more complicated. I had to let go of my insecurities in my ability to do this job well. I had to resign to the Lord that I KNEW He would take care of me through this whole ordeal. I don't have a clue what I'll be doing after the end of June, when the season is over. It's really just not something that I can worry about.

Take a day at a time.

So, after spending a lot of yesterday thinking, and praying, and spending time praying some more, I felt peace (and excitement) about the coaching job.

When the team representative called a few minutes ago, I had butterflies in the tummy. Now, I'm grateful to God that I even have this opportuity to share my passion of swimming with these little kiddos. It's going to be a lot of fun.

There ya have it. I'm moving back to Houston sometime before April 17th. There's a lot to be done before then...and I'll be sure to keep my piece of the web updated.

Thanks for sharing in my excitement!
ED

All roads point to...

2010-03-10T15:47:00.000-06:00

This week, as mentioned in the previous post, I am spending some time in Houston. Right now, I can't disclose any details about what has happened exactly (there was an impromptu interview and other important things).

I can, however, say that I desperately need your prayer! Honestly, at every other point in my life, I have never felt so broken and lost. As I was resting after a crazy 24 hours of dental appointments, job interviews and other important critical meetings...the song "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road came on the radio downstairs. I love the melody. But, it's really the lyrics that speak to me on this afternoon of critical decisions. Here are the lyrics:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

So, as I seek the Lord for what He might have my "next step" be...I am asking that you, my friends and family, to seek Him on my behalf. If you could ask Him for clarity, discernment, and Godly wisdom, that would be so life-giving and support my heart as I travel through this narrow road.

I appreciate each of you and your contribution into my life. Thanks for offering your prayers.

Word of the Week: EXCITE!

2010-03-09T10:10:00.000-06:00

After that last post...and the number of real-people comments I got on it, I'm finding it hard to figure out what to share now. So, because this week holds several different exciting things, I thought sharing them might be fun.

As I was cleaning up and straightening the piles in my room on Saturday, I found an envelope from Christmas with a pretty substantial amount of cash in it - WOOHOO!
UPDATE: I got to hang out with Nikki Saturday for lunch and some sweet coffee shop action afterwards.
I got to take a really long nap on Sunday afternoon. It was a great time to not have an agenda and really relax.
The Oscars were on Sunday night - and I've never watched the whole program before. It was really enjoyable, (update!)especially because Sandra Bullock won best actress and Sandra and Nikki are twins. Best parts of the weekend :)
Monday morning, the morning that I dread the most out of the week, I got up early to take my car to get the oil changed. See, the exciting part about this not-so-exciting task is that I might or might not have a tiny little crush on one of the guys who works there. When I get my tires checked, he always does it. I'm such a silly girl. But, Josh worked on my car and then I got the oil change and tire rotation - almost a $50 value - for FREE. The reasoning for that was a little less fortunate...I had to witness one of the associates having what he claims is a "rant". It was pretty violent - throwing trashcans and the such ( he didn't know I was there). But I didn't have to pay for anything! I mean, I guess it might've been worth it.
I found the most hilarious blog. It's definitely laughing-so-hard-you're-now-crying worthy. You should visit Cake Wrecks. It won't let you down.
I was asked to come interview for a head swim coaching position in Spring. DID THIS JUST HAPPEN? I'm way excited.
Tuesday, which happens to be today, is the day that I'm going to Houston to check out a graduate program to become an ultrasound technician. This is also exciting. I'm looking forward to it more than I thought I would.
Tomorrow, I get to meet with a pretty important man in my dad's life (his boss!) to discuss my resume and career goals. It definitely sounds intimidating, and I might be nervous tomorrow morning when I actually get up to go meet with him. But for now, I'm just truly grateful and excited that he is taking time out of his morning to meet with me. I didn't ask - he offered. And I'm (for lack of a better word) excited.
Tomorrow night, I am going to see Rascal Flatts at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo with Leslie. This is also exciting. I think the plan is to eat fried oreos (or whatever else they decide to stick in the hot oil this year).
Thursday will probably be hard to transition back into work after not being there for a day and a half...so that leads us to Friday and our roomie night at Cracker Barrel! This is so great - Cracker Barrel just opened in our small college town, so basically, we just don't know what to do with ourselves until we go there (which is so soon!). Friday night = exciting.

There you have it. 10 things that are happening (or have happened) in my week. And, next week is Spring Break - which is strange because I have to work for 3 days of it, but I'm thankful for a 4-day weekend. Until next time, when I find a topic that is blog-worthy,

Thanks for reading my ramble.
ED

What Gives You Life?

2010-03-04T09:59:00.001-06:00

In my shared mentoring relationship with Meghan, we are reading through, discussing and implementing the book The List by Marion Jordan. Our first assignment for the process of implementing the concepts discussed in the book was to create "our list" of things that give us life. You know, the things that get us excited and want to jump up and down. They could be little, big, somewhere in between, and ultimately, they are different for each person.

The exact assignment was this: make a list this week of your strengths…spiritual gifts, talents, things that come easily to you. Easy enough, right?

WRONG.

For this girl, I had two whole weeks (remember that snow day?!) to think about, plan, and finally write down my list. The problem was that I would think about it plenty, start to plan it, and then stop. What was the matter? This should be fun.

I could not, for the life of me, come up with my strengths. Things that come easily? Beats me. That's a good question.

Sometimes, it's funny how things work out and God has a plan, even when we can't see it (my entire life, right now). Tuesday night, Dayna (our mentor) had a 4H event for one of her daughters...and her expected arrival time was 8:30 pm. Meghan and I show up at 8:30, and the house is dark. So we start talking about different things. I had been honest about my difficulty in creating "my list" from the beginning, so Meghan started asking some intentional questions. Those thirty minutes while waiting for Dayna were just what I needed.

So, now you're wondering...what's on my list? This list is not completed. It's a process to really figure out the different things that give life for me. It's a challenge, mostly, because I've figured out in the recent years that I'm an external processor. But, without any further hesitation, here is my list to date:

1. Lattes: the ones that aren't overly sweet. I really want the espresso to shine through. It's a must.
2. Chocolate. Some days, it just lifts me up a little.
3. Cooking. As I've gotten older, I have enjoyed this part of my life more and more. I really like trying new things and learning in the process. This one is multi-functional. Not only just cooking for myself, but I really like cooking for other people. If I had a larger budget, I would definitely try to do this more often. So, that leads us to
4. Hospitality. I really enjoy bringing people into my home and serving them...whether with food, or just inviting them into my community. It is my desire that they would also receive life from being around my roommates. Meghan and I definitely share this one.

I would like to say that I have more things at this point, but really, I don't. When Meghan and I were talking before Dayna arrived home, I realized a lot about my passion for missions. Recently, I've felt that this passion has been removed from my life. As Meghan put it, she sees these desires in my heart...and they are being suppressed by other things.

The pressure. The decisions. The uncertainty.

This realization made me quite sad. My passion for missions should be on my list. I was so ready to devote my life to serve for this end goal. And yet, I can not add it to my list. It has been suppressed. I did that. I decided that it would not be life-giving. It wasn't a conscious decision...it just happened.

Another thing about this list is how to implement these passions into my life. It's one thing to simply say, "Man, I really like coffee and I really like to cook," but never share these things with others in my life. If I enjoy cooking for others, I need to do so. I need to reach out and share Jesus with those in my life. Be missional. Enjoy this other passion that has been suppressed in my life.

Sharing my list is my new goal. Not like telling people about it, but implemeting it into the core of who I am. Making these things that are life-giving to me and putting them into practice, where they might also be life-giving to others because of Jesus within me. That's my hope and prayer.

Maybe you should also write a list. I tell you - it's really a good process to think about and help give every day life some direction. If you make a list and blog about it, leave me a link so I can also enjoy what God is showing you through the pasisons He instilled into your life.

Happy Thursday, all!
ED

The rest of my weekend...

2010-02-28T22:25:00.000-06:00

I've already talked about my Friday night as a single 23yo woman who works full time. The rest of my weekend was a little bit more exciting.

On Saturday afternoon, I left CS to travel to Grand Prairie for a wedding shower in honor of one of my roommates:

This lovely lady is gettin' hitched in May to her high school sweetheart! It's such a great story. Anywho, I got to hang out with some fellow A&M grads...which helped me to see that I'm not the only one struggling to find my way.

It became a joke of ours that when we accomplish things like folding a pair of pants that another employee is struggling to fold, we just acknowledge to ourselves "that's why we went to college". I can't say how many times this statement has passed through my mind since actually graduating. It's so true. Little accomplishments...it's because I went to college. It's a resume booster, right?

Okay, well, enough of that talk. After the shower, we went to hang out with these cuties:

They're fun, Desmond and Jenny. I enjoyed the time with both immensely. We had quite the good time.

Lindsey staring Desmond down. She won.

Leslie and Meghan

Me, Lindsey, Jenny, Desmond, oh, and Leslie's toe...

After hanging out with them, we head back over to Leslie's parent's house...and play cards for a while. Notice the ghost hands...

The next morning, after sleeping marvelously on Leslie's parent's leather couch, we went to church, got to eat a fabulous homemade meal and I got to take a nap! Around 4, Meghan, Leslie and I packed up my small civic to head back to CS. We were quite the loaded little car. Along the way, we made a pit stop here:

If anyone was wondering, their kolaches are worth stopping for. Just ask Meghan, who regretted her decision to only purchase one. A little further down the road, we stopped at a historic site along the highway back to town. Remember, this is a new concept for me...and my passengers got to participate this time! Here are some pictures as the sun was setting on the Brazos Valley:

this building is as old as our house...

this little church is so great!

and my absolute favorite of the night:

For those of you who thought my Friday night was lame-sauce: maybe it was. But it was in total preparation for the rest of my awesome weekend. It's my hope that everyone enjoyed the warmer weather (finally!) and got to spend some time in the sun.

Thanks for reading my ramble.

What do you do on a Friday night?!

2010-02-26T23:20:00.001-06:00

Personally, as a 23-year-old single woman who works 40 hours a week, I can't imagine anything better than a quiet Friday evening at home.

I left work around 4:30 this afternoon and stopped at the Home Depot, affectionately called the Orange Box in my family. This activity was necessary in order to bless a sweet couple for their wedding shower tomorrow. Walking in, I was greeted with that awesome hardware store smell. You know...the earthy, rusty, musty air. For some reason, it's comforting to me. Maybe it reminds me of my childhood and the trips I would make with my dad. Anyway, I know I have to get the registry printed...so I try to find an employee to ask where the best place to do that is. She points me to the service desk, which is by the door where I walked into the store. After the list is printed by the not-too-enthusiastic employees send me on my way, I proceed to walk around aimlessly for like 10 minutes. I have no idea where to look for the item I've picked. None. Great. Eventually, an employee comes to help me out. I was grateful. He definitely saved me from looking like more of an idiot.

I head home after paying for my purchase. Once I got home, I really didn't have a game plan. There were definitely some things I wanted to do: clean out the fridge, organize the Tupperware, and watch the Olympics. So what did I do? I cleaned out the fridge for our house of 6 girls. I wiped it out, and it looks and smells better! I organized our tupperware

to look like this:

and this:

It's so much better. After that, I washed dishes. Or maybe I washed dishes before that. I don't remember.

I then ordered my favorite pizza from Mr. G's and it was wonderful. I got to sit down, eat, watch the Olympics...take a nap and then wake up in order to see my favorite Olypmian: Apolo Ohno. Although I was completely shocked about how the race turned out, I've gotten to see all of his races in this Olympics, and that makes my Friday night complete.

For this 23yo, I'm fully satisfied with how my Friday night turned out. Maybe this means I need a new life.

Thanks for reading my ramble.
ED

Alter-Egos

2010-02-25T11:17:00.000-06:00

(yes, I am fully aware this post is not the awaited part 5 of my Germany Chronicles. just try to be patient, okay? it's a journey...and i'm experiencing all of the emotions first-hand all over again.)

Anywho. Lately, as I've been remodeling my blog, I have thought about the names artists give themselves. Their alter-egos.

Ree Drummond = The Pioneer Woman
Beyonce = Sasha Fierce
A fellow table member at Freedom = Everly Pleasant

So, it's definitely not an isolated event. I know that it can't be forced. But here's the thing: I really want one.

I want to be able to sign my awesomely cool name at the end of my posts. I mean, Erin Danae is great. But I didn't get to choose that one.

How does one go about choosing a name? Is it circumstantial? Random? Does it have to do with a major event in your life? What if you choose something that you don't care for, and want to change it later? Are you allowed to even think about changing it?

Any input would be greatly appreciated. Maybe some suggestions?

Thanks for reading my ramble.
ED

Snow, 'Sghetti a la Canon and chocolate cake

2010-02-23T22:37:00.000-06:00

Today was unusual. It snowed in SE Texas! What?! I know. It was totally not expected. Some pictures of the event:

Snow is fun! Until your feet get cold and your pants are wet.

I left work early in order to run to the store before it got really bad tonight. I decided upon 'Sghetti a la Canon...my paternal grandmother's recipe with my minor adjustments. She likes to use mushrooms and I definitely like to use fresh onions and peppers. The ingredients are as follows:

'Sghetti a la Canon

1 medium onion

1 medium green pepper

1 pound lean ground beef

1 jar spaghetti sauce (your favorite flavor)

1 can Italian style tomatoes

[sometimes I add a clove or too of garlic, but I definitely didn't have on hand today]

pasta (you choose your favorite kind, i just used regular noodles)

1. Brown the meat with the onion and green pepper. Your kitchen will smell wonderful :)

2. Drain the grease. Add the can of tomatoes and spaghetti sauce.

3. Stir it together. Let it simmer together while you cook the pasta.

4. After the pasta is cooked to your likeness, stir it all together.

5. Serve it in bowls or plates and top with cheese (if you want).

This is basically the only way that I'll ever make spaghetti. Maybe one day I'll add mushrooms. Maybe not. I completely intended upon adding green beans to the meal and a piece of garlic toast, but I didn't get that far. Maybe because I knew i had my chocolate cake waiting:

Chocolate Cake from Betty Crocker

1 chocolate cake box mix

3 eggs

1 1/3 cup water

1 stick butter, softened

1 container frosting (I chose rainbow chip...you choose your favorite)

The ingredients

A couple of quick notes:

I read on a blog that if you put the butter standing up in the microwave, it's more likely that it won't melt. Mine fell over and melted anyway.

You have to use 2 white eggs and 1 brown egg. It says so on the package. I'm serious. But not...it just happened that I needed another egg, and my roommate had some fancy organic brown eggs that I borrowed.

1. Mix the cake mix, the water, the eggs, and butter into a bowl.

2. Mix it per the directions on the box so it turns out like this:

3. Grease and flour a pan so it comes out easily after baking. I chose a bundt pan to add a little extra flair to this exciting day of snow. Pour the batter into the pan and make sure it's evenly distributed.

See that hole in the middle of the pan? I had some difficulty getting ALL the batter into the pan:

This little glop pile made it's way through that center whole. Oh, bundt pans. And don't worry, I just licked up my little mess.

4. Stick it in an oven at the temperature appropriate for your pan (Betty helps you out here)

5. When it comes out, let it cool for about 10-15 minutes before attempting to take it out of the pan. I was cooking spaghetti at this time, so I kind of maybe forgot about my cake. Take a knife and run it around the rim of the pan to loosen the cake. Get a roommate to flip it over onto a cooling rack because you are afraid that you are going to mess up the process.

6. Tell your roommate how great of a job she did! And then wait for the cake to cool completely. In the meantime, place the frosting can next to the cooling cake to make sure they become best friends.

7. After the cake is cooled, ice away! Or, in my case, go find yet another roommate (the third one in this post) and declare you have forgotten how to ice a cake...and you need her help.

After your roommate helps you, let her lick the leftover icing out of the container as payment. She will definitely want to help you again in the future.

If you used a bundt pan, it will end up looking like the biggest doughnut you've ever seen. Although, I definitely would not recommend eating this entire cake at one sitting. It might just make you quite ill.

8. Slice yourself a piece, and become convinced that this is the best idea you've had all day. Because after you taste the deliciousness that is this cake, your day will then be complete.

THANKS BETTY!

Captured by Thoughts

2010-02-23T11:03:00.001-06:00

REALITY:

fears.

Insecurities.

the unknown.

Inadequacies.

PRESSURES.

TRAPPED.

decisions.

GOAL:

faith.

JOY.

freedom.

Jeremiah 29:11-13.

hope.

trust.

grace.

Part 4.

2010-02-22T15:49:00.001-06:00

*this post is a continuation of my real-life Dear John story. visit here, here, and here to read the first 3 parts.*

Matthias saw us back to the hostel and we said our "guten nachts". Tomorrow would be our last day of ministry in the city.

__________________________________________________________

The trip was coming to a close. It was a fact that became more inevitable as time went on. Every night, I was anxious for the next morning. I couldn't wait to get to the church fast enough. By Tuesday morning, our last day of ministry in the city beginning, the American groups were dreading the inevitable good-byes to come later the next night. It might be bold of me to say, but I was definitely NOT looking forward to the separation from Matthias the following evening. Something between us made me believe he would also be dreading that moment.

The American groups separated for our final days in our areas. Because the Kreuzberg group had hosted a large party on Sunday night for the neighborhood, our day would be strategically focusing our energy into the parks. Matthias was the translator for my group, so we spent the majority of our day together.

The German students had put together a night of games to celebrate our time together. For our last official night, Matthias and I didn't spend much time apart. I was always conscious of where he was in the room. In my head, I was putting off the thoughts of saying good-bye. I didn't know what would happen once I left the country and got back home. We had already exchanged email addresses and snail-mail addresses one afternoon at lunch. We had means to communicate. But how well does cross-ocean "dating" happen? We would soon find out.

Matthias and me on Tuesday night before the games took place.

I was always good at being in my own little bubble. I never really shared what I was really thinking - and even to this day, I find it hard to express myself. I spent so many of my younger years being an introvert that now when I've figured out that I am a mixture of intro and extro, it's hard to switch. Nonetheless, I kept alot of my initial feelings and thoughts to myself. I was afraid of being judged and being told that what was happening between Matthias and I was fake - just an infatuation that wouldn't last. It didn't feel fake. I was 16. He was 19. But it felt like we had known each other much longer. 8 days? More like 8 years.

Wednesday morning, our last official day in Berlin before we traveled to Munich, started a little later. It was intended to be our "tourist" day. A part of the American group had decided to travel by train to the place where Martin Luther nailed the proclamation to the door. I wasn't really that familiar with history, so I was fine with opting to stay in Berlin and visit landmarks there. Some of the German students had decided to come with us on our adventures.

My favorite picture of Matthias and me. This was taken in the hostel courtyard before leaving on Wednesday morning.

Geneva and me on the same hammock.

Before the Luther group left, I needed to make up my mind about which sights I wanted to see. There were 2 different groups forming from the team, and I had to make a decision. Matthias walked down to the bank with me because I needed to exchange more money for the remainder of the trip. At this time in my life, I was quite indecisive. As a result, I asked Matthias what he wanted to do that day.

His response? "I want to be wherever you are."

Butterflies swarmed my insides. My intuition was right. He did feel for me the way I felt for him. How did this happen in such a short time?!

We continued our walk to the bank in silence, got the money, and walked back to the hostel. My decision was made. We would stay in Berlin and travel in the smaller group.

A statue in Berlin...we felt like it represented our work with balloon animals rather well.

Part of the Berlin wall that has been painted by muralists.

After our day of sight-seeing, we headed back to the hostel to meet up with the other part of our team and eat dinner. After dinner, we packed up all of our suitcases onto the bus that would take us to the train station. The train, which would travel overnight, would take us to Munich. Because we had limited room on the bus, some of the students decided to meet us at the train station.

When we arrived at the train station, our team became a part of the organized chaos. As it turns out, our train would be delayed several hours. This meant that the majority of the local Germans with our team would not be able to get back to their homes merely because public transportation would be shut down that late at night. Amongst the brave ones who decided to stay, Matthias stuck out the long wait with our group.

Waiting in the train station on Wednesday night. I'm in the maroon shirt in the middle with Matthias to my left (your right).

Finally, much, much later than originally anticipated, the train appeared.

Up to this point, Matthias and I have had very limited physical contact. Before we began boarding the train, he comes over to me to say good-bye. As we stood there hugging, it felt as though time stopped. As Matthias released our embrace, his hand ran lightly across my stomach. (Butterflies, behave please!!!)

Reluctantly, I board the train with the rest of my team.

Now, imagine a black and white movie. The girl has boarded the train, and is standing at the window, looking at her love on the podium below her. The train slowly starts to move. Gradually, as the train picks up speed, they catch eyes one last time, the train turns a corner, and the moment is over.

If there was a ever a time when I wanted a train to stop and turn around, it was at this moment. Where is the emergency brake?! This can't be possible...I can't handle leaving him like this! What has happened to me? Oh, dear...breathe. You will survive this. You will create defenses to protect the way you feel about this guy. It will not be over quite yet.

to be continued...

Something I've Never Done Before

2010-02-21T22:47:00.000-06:00

Last weekend, on our way back from her 26.2 miles of knee-death, Leslie S and I saw a sign for a historical sign. You've seen them...they're brown, and they are scattered along the little highways in the state of Texas. I told her that one day, I just want to go ahead and stop and see what the signs say. Since she couldn't really keep her eyes open and the weather was turning quite cold, we decided that afternoon was not ideal.

Today, however, had the perfect conditions: sun, slight breeze, and a little chill to maintain that awesome temperature. On my way back to CS from D/FW, I took a state highway through some small towns. It's the shortest distance. You would not believe how many historical signs I saw! I decided that today was not going to be better than any other day...so I stopped at one in Old Springfield.

Many cars passed by me while I was stopped...and really, there wasn't a lot of scenery (the trees behind the sign are about it). BUT I did something to further my curiousity about the state of Texas. Aren't you proud?

Next time, you should stop and see what our state has to offer.

Meet Farley

2010-02-20T13:15:00.001-06:00

Meet Farley.

He's my older sister's Westie. He used to look like this:

As you might be able to tell, he's filled in nicely. Every time I come to visit my sister, it's a joy to see him. She's trained him well and he has turned into quite the snuggly little dog. When I first met him, he definitely tried to attack my face...and bite off A's nose:

He was quite the little rascal in his puppy days.

But he also had his cute moments:

He's turned into quite the happy content little dog. And all he wants is to go outside and play with his next door neighbor doggie friends.

Good ol' Farley. You're fun to play with...and provide hours of amusement.

I guess I can say that I like having you around...as long as Miss Molly's not there....

(Molly right and Farley left)

Because, in all honesty, when she's around, I have a loyalty to her. She'll be my favorite. Sorry.

(Molly left, Farley right)

Miss Molly

german chocolate amazingness

2010-02-18T22:23:00.000-06:00

Today was relatively uneventful. I spent the morning and part of the afternoon reading A Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers. It was good to have down-time and read this morning about Tamar. At the end of the chapter, there are some really good discussion questions. Since I was supposed to be "working", I didn't spend the reflection time I need to fully grasp some of the contents. I then moved onto Rahab. Through reading about these women in Christ's lineage, I am amazed at how we (read I) try to be so perfect and put on this face of how we (read I) have it all together.

Reality check: both Tamar and Rahab didn't know God, but knew of Him. When they had started to follow Him, it was more of a feeling of accepting that He has to be the true God. These Canaanite women didn't follow the pagan gods their families and friends did...they knew better. These women are not perfect. Tamar had to dress like a temple prostitute to seduce her late husband's father, Judah, in order to have a right to an heir that he had previously refused her through abandonment. Rahab was taken the temple when she was a young girl for the pleasures of the king. When the king grew tired of her, she had no other choice but to make a life of prostitution for herself. She hides the Israelite spies from the guards and king...and helps the Israelites defeat Jericho and claim the land God had given them.

Prostitution. Seduction.

But they kept their faith.

These women had faith in something that they couldn't be sure of, but somehow knew it had to be truth. Through all of their different hardships, they looked to an unseen God for help. They didn't know this God well, but yet their willingness to serve an unseen God created righteousness in their lives.

God has used sinners all throughout time. He had women like Tamar and Rahab in the lineage of Christ. Jesus hung out with tax collectors. And then there's me - a sinner saved by grace. Oh, how I don't even deserve it!

---Awkward Transition---

I was able to read all morning...and that was great. I got to help some students create resumes this afternoon. That is something that I enjoy - teaching. Hmmm. Interesting. That might be another blog post to come soon. Crazy stuff. Anywho, I went to dinner with my boss and another lady who came up to help the Academy from TTI. After dinner, my boss and I made our way to a local custard joint. I had specifically saved room for this and definitely didn't overdo it at dinner for that reason. For those of you familiar with CS, this place had way more selection than Shake's. And, I'm pretty sure that it tasted better too. Sorry, just being honest here.

My German chocolate concrete: chocolate custard with butterscotch, coconut, and pecans.

I probably shouldn't have wasted the calories on this dessert. So I'll just claim that I'm on vacation and it doesn't count. Yup, I just did that.

Tomorrow is the last day of the last session of the TCCA, the project for which I was hired to assist. It's crazy how fast time has gone by. It's already the end-ish of February...and April is approaching quickly. It's definitely time to get serious about job searching again. I have been, but I really need to hunker down, revise the resume, and network all over again. My time at TTI is coming to a close. And I'm not thinking I'm going to miss it. More on this dilemma later...

Have a happy friday, all!

Taking Residence at the Marriott

2010-02-17T21:29:00.000-06:00

This week, I am traveling to Ft. Worth to help my boss with her construction academy. When she asked me to join her last week, I was so stinking excited! I got to travel with her last October, and it just feels about time to get away and have some alone time. The last several days, I've been very content to just be by myself. To some, I look anti-social. But it's what we introverted extroverts have to do sometimes. Being around my roommates and our frequent visitors like Sarah and Johan, Leslie S, Anhela, Joann, Cyna, and Val (just to name a few) is quite life-giving. I enjoy our Shalom Shack hang out nights. They are always great. But as for me and my sanity, sometimes it's just good to get away.

So, this is the reasoning behind me being so psyched about having my own HUGE hotel suite to myself. I think it's so awesome that I really want to show you what it looks like. When I first walked in, my mouth fell open to the floor. I was in complete awe.

The living room, complete with a desk, complimentary internet access, a pull-out sofa, a chair, and a tv.

The kitchen. That's right...I have my own full-size fridge, sink, microwave, toaster, 2-burner stove AND a dishwasher. If only I had any food to cook. My grandmother did help me out with an apple and some crackers after dinner tonight. She's so sweet :)

The bedroom. It has a tv to the right of the door. So that means I have 2 tvs for one person. Now how do I choose which one to watch? I think I'll just stick to the complimentary internet :)

From the bedroom to the bathroom. I'm definitely looking forward to taking my bubble bath later.

So now you know that I'm living in luxury in Ft. Worth for the next two nights. I'm quite excited about this alone time and my new laptop so I'm not disconnected from the world. Maybe that's an oxymoron? I want alone time - but to not be disconnected. Hmmm. I guess the reality is that I will always need to have contact with the outside world.

I'll try to work on my next Dear John post over the next few days. No promises. Life gets busy when you're on the road. Okay, my aching back is telling me it's time to go soak for awhile.

Until next time...

German Saga, Part 3

2010-02-16T12:50:00.002-06:00

*this is a continuation of my real-life Dear John story. Click here and there to read the first two parts*

I was so naive. Matthias returned the next day...and I recovered from my "sickness."

__________________________________________________________

Sunday afternoon at a local cafe.

Monday morning approaches, and I'm beyond ready to see Matthias again. It had been less than 24 hours, but it felt like an eternity. I don't think my sleeping habits were improving, either. I wasn't resting well because of the butterflies that had taken a permanent residence in my stomach. I'm talking consistent-can't-get-them-to-go-away butterflies. I don't think I have experienced butterflies this intense ever again. It was becoming clearly evident to me that this was no normal "friendship." I know. I claimed I really didn't think it would get more than a friendship. After Sunday afternoon and evening, I knew better. When we arrived to the church that morning, Matthias wasn't there with the rest of the German students. My heart plummeted into my stomach.

Life goes on.

Eventually, he did show up. And my life was complete again, butterflies and all.

Because we spent so much time with the families that went to the different churches, we were given "host families". We didn't actually stay in these family's homes. Remember, we stayed at a hostel? [There should be a post on hostel stories...that was quite the experience!] Instead, these families invited small groups of us into their homes for dinner on the last Monday in the city. Matthias had personally invited me to visit his parent's home.

The first afternoon in Germany. This was taken a few hours before I met Matthias. I'm on the far right.

In an earlier post, I talked about my boy-crazy tendencies. Again, I admit, I was that girl. I couldn't live well without having a crush. In a strange way, God has used this issue in my life to bring me closer to Him and what He desires for my life. It's not something I can regret. The past is the past, and it's not going to change (unless you're a character in Lost and time travel, even though the present happened in the past and it was always the way things happened...but that's another post entirely). Whatever had happened with the previous boys in my life, nothing compared to what was going on with Matthias. When he asked me to personally travel to his parent's house, the ever-present butterflies tripled their fluttering. Was this really happening?!

In order to give an affirmative answer, I had to seek approval from the adults on our trip. Thinking back now, I can't believe that they actually granted permission. To travel on the autobahn to a small village an hour away with a guy that we met a week earlier was no small matter. As an adult, I would not have made that same decision. Isn't it funny how these things in life work out? As a result of receiving permission, there were several conditions to be carried out. First, my friend Michelle had to come along for the journey. I wasn't allowed to be alone with a German guy. That makes sense. Second, I wasn't allowed to ride in the front seat of the car on the trip to the village. This was to make sure that there are boundaries, and as the third party, Michelle was meant to keep the lines clear. Thirdly, I was allowed to ride in the front seat on the way back to Berlin if it didn't appear that Matthias and I needed to be separated. I agreed to the conditions because I could sense that the adults suspected something else was happening in my new friendship. No matter how right they were, I had to go to his parent's house. It wasn't even a question.

Later Monday afternoon, Michelle and I gather our things (everything but the flowers we had purchased for his mom) at the church and meet Matthias to begin our journey out of town. We had to leave quite a bit earlier than the other groups - so there was quite a bit of gossip occurring. I had been semi-aware of this situation happening over the past week, and it was becoming really apparent. The stares were occuring more often and lasting longer. Several of the guys from America asked if I needed to be chaperoned to his parent's house. They acted intimidated and threatened by Matthias' presence. I remember thinking I didn't need protection...how silly!

Michelle rode in the front seat on the first part of the journey. I would like to say that I stayed awake to witness my first trip on the autobahn, but because I was clearly sleep deprived (butterflies, be calm!), I promptly fell asleep...only to wake up with my mouth WIDE OPEN. Awesome. There's no use trying to recover from such an embarrassment. My only hope is that I didn't snore. The other two car dwellers never mentioned anything - so I'm definitely holding on to the chance that neither of them saw me.

The front of Matthias' parent's home. This picture came out of my scrapbook, and is a picture of a picture. Sorry about the quality...all I had on the trip were disposable cameras!

This is the back view of Matthias' home. It's so quaint and perfect.

We eventually arrive to Matthias' parents house; the house that his father built with his own two hands. As we pull up, Matthias explains how his dad designed the house and built it by himself. I was in complete awe. Imagine a show on the travel channel about quaint European towns and the homes the people there would live in. This was it. It was absolutely adorable! Matthias gave us a tour of the village and showed us the field where he likes to play futbol. Then we got to meet his parents. His dad spoke no English, and I believe his mom was familiar with it, but they are absolutely the most adorable people I have ever seen. If you can picture a strong woman, that's his mom. His dad was kind and thoughtful. Even though I didn't really talk to him, I could tell how much he cared for his family. For dinner, we were joined by a few other guys. Matthias explained later that they were a father and son - and their wife/mom was out of town. Apparently they didn't know how to cook...and they didn't speak English either.

Our dinner party. From the left: Matthias' father, random German man, me, Michelle, Matthias, and random German man's son. Again, a picture of a picture; sorry about the quality!

This picture was taken the morning after we had dinner at Matthias' home. From the left: Michelle, Matthias' mom holding the flowers we had forgotten the day before, a lady from the church, and me.

Throughout dinner, Michelle and I sat and listened to nothing but German...and didn't add to the conversation. At one point, there was what Michelle and I thought an English word spoken. This word was completely inappropriate for dinner conversation - and my blog, for that matter. Both Michelle and I proceed to giggle, and then recieved many strange looks. Apparently it's wasn't what we thought it was. We were queit again after that. Dinner came to and end sometime later. We gave our good-byes and headed back to Berlin, arriving to the church later than everyone else.

Matthias saw us back to the hostel and we said our "guten nachts". Matthias headed back to the church to sleep. Tomorrow would be our last day of ministry in the city.

to be continued...

Story Time, Part 2

2010-02-15T16:15:00.003-06:00

*This post is a continuation of my Dear John story. Click Here to read the first part.*

It was in these next moments when I first met Matthias. Little did I know then...but our meeting would change everything I ever thought I knew about relationships and love.
__________________________________________________________

Matthias approached our circle with his blonde spiked hair and bright blue eyes - the German trademark. "What group are you in?" he asked in his attractive German accent. Each of the three of us answered in turn. Out of the three of us, 2 were in the K group, and 1 was in the H group. Upon hearing my response ("not the H one"), Matthias responded with a triumphant gesture, exclaiming, "YES!"

I laughed.

Initially, my thoughts were going crazy. This guy, this attractive, international German blonde-headed guy is excited that we happen to be working at the same location for the next 8 days. I didn't come to Germany for this purpose. Don't get me wrong. I was definitely that boy-crazy girl in high school. I can chronically list out the path of boys that I made my way through. However, I will refrain from this particular action. Back to the issue at hand: how realistic is it to be 16, travel to Europe and purposefully become infatuated with a guy who is 3 years older than you? Yeah, it's not. So it wasn't on my list of priorities.

The Kreuzberg Group (Americans and Germans) in front of the church. This picture was taken the afternoon I had played futbol in the recreational park.

This is the 'H' church. I am there on the right with my bright yellow backpack. Oh, high school.

Over the next week, Matthias and I spent most of our time together through ministry. During the first few days, the Kreuzberg (formerly mentioned as the 'K' group) team tried to reach out to the surrounding Turkish immigrants in varying ways. Just down the street from the church building was Viktoria Park. It was in this park that we were able to master our balloon animal skills for the children and engage in conversations with adults. A little further away in the opposite direction, and around the corner, was a recreational park where young people would practice futbol and older adults would walk their dogs.

One afternoon, in order to reach a younger group of students, a group of German guys (Matthias included) and myself ventured off to the recreational area to play futbol. No other people joined our game - but I was able to prove myself very versatile to a discerning group of guys. It was these kinds of interactions that allowed me to spend time with my new interest.

Another view of our K group. I'm the second from the left on the first row. See our amazing balloon animal skills? Those mandatory meetings really helped us to prepare for mastering this essential skill. Basically all of the people without balloon hats are Germans. They just couldn't embrace the balloons like the Americans did.

When we ventured out into the neighborhoods to speak to locals, he would come as the translator for my group. In just a short period of time, I knew that something was different about our frienship. Our interactions were different than the ones I had with the other students. It was noticable to other people in the American group as well. I would be asked about the friendship, non-chalantly answer, "I don't know," or "I don't think anything's going on" and continue on with life. In my head, I knew better. But you can't just talk about something you aren't sure about. Especially in a youth group on an international mission trip. It just sets you up for disaster. You see, I wasn't the only girl on the trip who had developing interest in our new friends. That's not my story to tell, but let's just say that patience and endurance have worked out well for them. I'm impatient. And hasty. And I like to have immediate results. As you will see later in the story, these attributes come out time and time again. Sigh.

Practicing my balloon animal skills. This picture reminds me of how young I once looked. Sigh.

Within 5 days of meeting, I started to have dreams about Matthias. It's hard to recall the details. However, on one night when we were supposed to be resting more and sleeping in the next morning, I was awoken by such a vivid dream of the two of us that I failed to sleep from about 3 am until we finally got up the next morning (probably close to 9 am). Needless to say, I was always eager to see him. When we would go to church in the mornings, the first thing I would do is look for him. When the German students would meet us at the hostel, it was my top priority to be the first one to greet him.

On the first and last Sunday in the city, Matthias had to travel back to the town where his parents currently lived, a village about an hour away on the autobahn. His parents had moved out of Berlin and into this small town a few years before. When they had lived in the city, they had gone to the Kreuzberg church. Periodically, they came back to the city to visit. Anyway, Matthias was missing on this Sunday afternoon. After he had left for his parent's house, I began to feel sick. Later that afternoon, I had a fever. I was physically sick because the thought of Matthias not being present upset me. He had to be gone the night of our big "party" that we had been planning all week. We were only a few days away from leaving, and this was one of our last big ministry outreaches to the community.

Sunday afternoon after church. Here, I'm on the far left, next to Lance, one of the American guys. The guy in the suit in the middle is the pastor of the church. The other people are local members. This picture was taken the afternoon I got sick.

As a result of Matthias taking time to visit his parents, I felt like everyone involved in planning and readying the event that evening were watching me a little too closely. It seemed they were trying to determine if I would survive without him there. A couple of the guys from my American team even possessed the boldness to ask me about our relationship - straight up asking about the possibility of dating, long-distance relationships, etc. I was so taken aback by his forwardness that I probably snapped at him about the whole deal. Even the question of needing 'protection' was even raised. Protection from what?! I didn't need protecting...I was clearly just developing a friendship.

I was so naive. Matthias returned the next day...and I recovered from my "sickness."

to be continued...

gather 'round and let me share a story from my past...part 1

2010-02-12T12:31:00.000-06:00

To maybe "get in the spirit" of St. Valentine's Day, I think I would like to venture into a new territory on my blog. There aren't really rhymes or reasons to my blog. I can't even say each post is a complete thought. Or thoughts...it's even confusing to me. The posts seem vague. Sharing the stuff that's really going on in my life seems to be like bare exposure on the world wide web. So I guess I've become shy. (side note: does being shy make a person less vulnerable and honest?) Hang in here with me...

Plunging ahead.

Recently, I finished reading Dear John by Nicholas Sparks in order to see the movie. Anyone who has read or seen some of the books turned into movies pretty much knows and expects that it will be a tear-jerker and this fact is inevitable. So I prepared myself for it...and the tears never came. From the previews of the movie, I knew a little about the storyline and what happens, but the whys and hows were still left to be answered. After finishing, I wasn't really sad about the story. The emotions I experienced were disappointment and frustration. There were a couple of good quotes from the book that I enjoyed (and by that I mean 2), but they really have nothing to do with this post. At a later date, they might make their appearance here. Afterall, they were thought-provoking.

So where's this story from my past, right? I know. I'm getting there. It might explain my emotional reaction to the disappointment that is Dear John. For those of you who might have read or seen Dear John, this is a variation. It's not completely the same, but it's my version of Dear John. I'm not really asking for approval...although hearing some insight would be intriguing. One of the concerns I've voiced to a friend was that people might not read this story. And really, I can't be worried about that. I can't actually expect people to be as excited about this part of my life as I am about sharing it. As I started this post, I had intentions of it only being one post. The further I got into the story, there was more of the story that I realized I wanted to share. My passions have never included writing before I started this project. Now, I'm excited about the prospects of dissecting my past and trying to recreate the events that happened so long ago. It's my hope that as you read, you would also be willing to travel on this journey through my past. Please, enjoy :)

It was the fall of my sophomore year in high school, and I received a letter in the mail from my youth pastor in Houston talking about an opportunity to go to Germany the following summer and inviting me to consider the opportunity. Thus far in my short life, I had gone to Mexico and Arizona on different mission trips - and I had loved the experiences that each one had given me. It is through all of this traveling in my teenage years that ignited my passion for traveling. At 16, how great would an opportunity like this be? I would be able to leave the only continent I had lived on, go to Europe on a mission trip and experience the glory that is world-traveling? I basically begged my parents to say yes.

Before moving to Houston, my family had been situated in Georgia. My older sister, A, had gotten the chance to travel to Poland with our family church in Atlanta on a youth choir tour. When she had gotten back from visiting a country with a different language and culture, I wanted to listen to all the stories she had. She replayed the memories she had about the different food, buildings, people, and the historical monuments the choir had visited. It was probably at that point, while I was in the 8th grade and 14 years old, when I decided I, too, wanted to travel abroad and have similar experiences. When I receieved the letter from my youth pastor, it was the perfect opportunity to fulfill my dream of traveling abroad. From what I remember, my parents needed little convincing. After all, A had gone overseas before and seemed to be better for it.

Signing up for the trip meant that every member had to attend a mandatory weekly meeting where we would become acquainted with one another, learn about the culture of Germany, the different people groups we would be reaching, and their respective beliefs. In addition, we were divided into two seperate 'teams'. There was the "H" team and the "K" team. For our partnership with the local churches, we would be working in two separate locations. These were merely the names of the different church's locations shortened. We were young, and weren't all that familiar with the German language. As a result, it was just easier to use initials.

These meetings were probably my first exposure to learning about world religions in a non-school environment, and I was hooked immediately. I loved going to the meetings, and I loved the people on my team. Although most of the students attended the private school our church maintained, and I really didn't know a huge number of them, we were able to use the meetings as a chance to develop friendships. At first, it was hard to fit in with the other students. I was a public-school gal. I also lived 30+ miles away from the church building - so getting to the meetings was challenging, and it limited the amount of time I was allowed to 'hangout' afterwards. I was 16 at the time, and my parents weren't always comfortable with me driving that distance with my new license and Houston traffic. At 23, Houston traffic still scares me. The people there can't drive: a little fact I've discovered since living in a smaller town. Nontheless, I was able to develop some friendships with some of the other public school girls as well as a few of the private school crowd. It was these friendships that would get me through the next two years.

Our trip was scheduled for July of 2003. We would be gone for 12 days, and travel to 2 different cities: Berlin and München (Munich). As time creeped by, July approached slowly. It always seems that when you are anticipating something, it takes longer for it to approach (a relative time phenomenon also talked about in Dear John). Finally, the team met for our last few meetings, and it was about time to depart. I thought it would never get here!

I don't remember saying good-bye to my family in the airport. There was too much excitement for being sad about not being able to see them for almost 2 weeks. Traveling to a new place with a new language, new culture, new customs...there was so much to think about! Anticipation of leaving consumed my thoughts. Having no expectations out of this trip, I was ready to experience my moment of global exploration. At that point in my life, it was the longest plane ride I'd ever been on. Seven whole hours. But Air France was one of those trendy, updated services where they had individual tv screens on the back of the seat in front of you. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. A little sidenote: up until this point in my life, I had avoided all airplane toilets. I mean, where does the liquid go when you hit the "flush" button? Gross. With seven hours, however, you can't really avoid it. Later in life, traveling to China, I would really learn the importance of keeping up with staying hydrated. It just makes life easier once you get where you're going.

At the Airport in Houston.

Inevitably, we land in Germany, seven hours ahead of the central time zone we had left, and begin our day immediately. Effectively, we had flown "all night" and didn't get the luxury of resting after the journey. We visit the hostel, drop off our bags, change shirts, freshen up, etc. Our group meets in the courtyard in order to be introduced to our tourguides of the afternoon: students of the church with whom we had a partnership. These students would be doing ministry with us and translating when we talked to the local people. Off we went! Being quite sleep deprived, I can't quite remember the exact agenda of the afternoon. I have evidence of our tour with the pictures I took with my little disposable cameras. [Remember? Those were the days of the real "point-and-shoot" with no delete or re-do option. It was still a good 4 years before I would buy myself a digital camera (cheap and re-used, mind you).] And maybe there was something about trying to find a bank to exchange our American dollars for German Euros.

The hostel's central courtyard.

As we traveled around Berlin visiting landmarks and trying to exchange money, our two International student groups began to mesh together. Our curiousity of each other was growing. After visiting and praying outside of an official government building, the group of girls with whom I had prayed was joined by a German male student with blonde spiked hair and bright blue eyes. It was in these next moments when I first met Matthias. Little did I know then...but our meeting would change everything I ever thought I knew about relationships and love.

to be continued...

Decisions

2010-02-08T15:45:00.000-06:00

It's been some time since I've posted about anything serious. There has been quite the windstorm of thoughts swirling in my head - and I can't even say I've been able to fully express them to anyone. Not because I didn't want to. It's the opposite. I would love for the people who I am closest to understand the complexities that I've been pondering. It's probably my lack of ability to fully understand these thoughts to be able to speak them aloud.

In spite of my shortcomings, I'm hoping this post will bring some light to certain situations.

Doors: things that we walk through all the time. The ones that allow access to a building, room, car, etc. But the ones that can also deny the ability to progress through said entryway. Unfortunately, the doors that I've come across recently are all closed. Journeyman: closed. Hands On: closed. The hope of keeping my current job past April: closed.

So where is the open door? I have two months left at this job...and I can't help but think, "What about me?" What kind of job do I look for? Grad School? Profession?

The thing is, I've never really nailed down my "career". If all was according to MY plan: I would have graduated, moved to China, stayed there 2 years, then come back and attempt seminary. Almost 9 months after my college graduation, I'm still in College Station. So we see how well my plans have worked out.

But that's just it: they shouldn't have been MY plans to begin with. If I had been approaching the future like I should have been, I wouldn't have been surprised by any of these circumstances. God would have shown me the correct path...and I wouldn't feel so lost now. So that leads to direction. When you're lost, it's definitely helpful to find directions. Or ask for them. DING DING DING! Light bulb moment here (well, not exactly right now, but earlier, way before I started posting this)!!

Right. Asking for directions. Wait for an answer...with no timetable. Trusting it's going to be worked out the best way, because I don't really have any other options. I tried to stay stubborn and angry and upset about all the doors shutting...and here, I can't do it. It's pretty hard and energy-consuming to stay upset at the Creator of the Universe. So here's the humility. Here's knowing I can't definitely do this on my own. Here's the brokenness that comes when you feel like nothing else could go wrong.

I was recommended by Jenn to read this book: Brokenness, Surrender, and Holiness by Nancy Leigh Demoss. According to Jenn, this author is extremely down-to-earth and talks about life in a real way. None of that sugar-coated stuff. The nitty gritty down and dirty. So, now that I'm done reading Dear John (more to come on this disappointment in a later post), I'm going to begin the process of reading through this tough trilogy series. As I read, my goal is to post about thoughts/feelings/lessons. Stay tuned...

Lessons of the Day

2010-01-15T19:54:00.000-06:00

Things I learned today:

Oliver whines quite frequently when you are not focused on him 100%.
Oliver only settles down and sits when you sit with him.
It's hard to do laundry with Oliver when he steals your socks.
Oliver likes to curl up in blankets.
Oliver is spoiled by his mom, Jules.
Oliver gets tired really early when he's out of his crate all day.

This is an older picture of Oliver from the fall. That purple toy is now missing a leg...

Middle Child Syndrome

2010-01-14T15:26:00.000-06:00

I'm a middle child and approximately 3 years away from either of my sisters. On my drive to have lunch with my little sister L earlier today, I was thinking about something she mentioned to me around Thanksgiving of last year.

Our oldest sister, A, was coming to visit my parent's house with her husband and dog-child for the holiday. It was going to be a family reunion of our immediate family - and L was concerned that as the baby, she would be merely forgotten. She was convinced that because our parents don't have the opportunity to see A very often, the attention would be focused on the eldest.

Me with A

As a middle child, I couldn't even see how this could be an issue. L's the stinkin' baby of the family - and she has my parents wrapped around her little finger (most of the time). Maybe my perspective of being in the middle for about 19.5 years has allowed me to see objectively. My parents don't practice favorites (or try not to). The reality is that they get to see the youngest children more because of mere proximity.

L and Me

Maybe I'm just used to being ignored, as the MCS suggests. I don't hate it. I don't believe I'm mistreated. The middle is comfortable. I don't really ever feel lonely...so I'm not completely convinced this syndrome even exists.

There go my random thoughts of the afternoon. Thoughts?

p.s. would it be too late to do a review of the decade/year? I can't decide if I would like to partake of that trend...

My Poor Toe!

2010-01-10T23:11:00.000-06:00

This weekend, I got to travel over 500 miles around the eastern side of Texas. The main intent was to see these two handsome people get married:

(sorry for the blur)

Success! Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Craig Jennings!

On Friday night, I went to Dallas to stay with my sister and her husband. Saturday morning, I walk from their kitchen table into their couch (ouch, there was definitely a crack there...) and into the kitchen. This was a complete accident, I promise. I apologize for the next photos...and the gross toe nails. I need a pedicure badly (anyone want to help a sister out?!?!).

Saturday night.

Sunday night.

Back in the 7th or 8th grade, I broke this same toe. And I had a cast up to my knee (growth plate stuff) for over a month. Now look what I've gone and messed up. According to my mom, I should never walk around barefoot because this is what happens. Hopefully, the doctor will be able to see me tomorrow and i will know if it is indeed broken. Until then, I now know not to wear 3" black heels for over 5 hours. I will be the one limping into work tomorrow morning...how does a baby toe hurt so stinking bad?!

Again, apologies for the pictures. It wasn't really my best weekend behind the lens...

Strange

2010-01-09T00:40:00.000-06:00

today, i happened to be in quite a strange, but good mood. there's not really a reason. i woke up a little later than i would have liked, showered, packed for my trip north, etc. normal things.

maybe it's because i got a medium vanilla latte at mcdonald's for only $3 (which, btw, tastes a lot better than starbucks, if anyone asks). maybe it was the cold weather. i got to wear my A&M fleece today because it was friday - so that was an easy and comfortable wardrobe selection. katy and i laughed a lot on the way to work this morning...

and then i got off at 3 pm. glorious! ran an errand to bed bath & beyond - got this really nice looking man to check me out of the store. went home, talked to jules, packed the car, got gas, and left town. then here comes the funny part. i made a couple of wrong turns along my route to I45. hehe. so i drove for about 2 miles down a dirt road (why i kept going is beyond me). the pot holes in the road made me slow down a whole lot. honda civics were not made to handle a dirt road with pot holes. just saying. oh yes, all this is happening and jesse mccartney starts playing on my playlist. haha. it was too darn funny to me. i passed a few trucks and the men waved. how great! anywho, i eventually turn back when it looked like a dead end and figure out where i messed up - and finally make it to the correct road. then i continue along my journey.

i wasn't really excited about all the driving i've elected to doing this weekend (it's like about 400 miles or something), but once i got going, i really didn't want to have a destination. it was really nice to be able to think freely and have something to do (focus on my driving, of course). last year, i rarely left home...and it felt soooo good to get up and leave, if only for about 30 hours. i'm actually looking forward to the 7+ hours i'm driving tomorrow. on a normal day, i would most definitely complain. but as i've said, today was not normal.

the other thing about today is that the time has passed by so quickly. maybe it's because i didn't actually wear my watch. but today is no longer today - it's actually yesterday. and today was tomorrow...and will soon be yesterday. i'm thinking it's time to curl up and dream about how my brother-in-law made a video of me playing the wii while flapping my wings like a bird. it's going to turn into a nightmare...

Truth in Grace

2009-12-22T11:46:00.000-06:00

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." II Corinthians 4:9

"But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift." Ephesians 4:7

Last night, as I laid in bed waiting for sleep to come, I caught myself thinking about grace. It's hard to grasp the reality of this concept. It's a gift that we don't deserve. We are not entitled to it. But yet, we are "justified by his grace, as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.." (Romans 3:23).

When I mess up, I want to fix it. I want to punish myself for screwing up. I know I can't actually do anything to correct things gone wrong...and I think I've realized this concept a whole lot more in these last few months than I ever have before.

I've never been Catholic and I've never actually been to a Catholic church, but I found myself thinking about confession and trying to atone for sins through actions. Paul speaks clearly to Timothy: "[God] who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began" (II Timothy 1:9). So I was saved for his purpose by his grace...

This past summer, while in China, I was able to understand a little glimpse of what all of these verses really mean. During a hard conversation with a team leader after I had crossed leader/follower boundary lines, I admitted to him that I've always been really hard on myself - I have been since high school. At that point in my life, I strived for perfection. I didn't want to disappoint anyone, nothing excluded. It was in college when I realized exactly how unrealistic that expectation seemed. But sometimes, I still manage to strive for perfection. In my leader's wisdom, he started referring back to a time in his own life when he did the same thing. Since he had become a Christian, God had showed him that in being hard on ourselves, we are saying the atonement Christ is not good enough to cover all of our sins.

While I wrestled with this thought, the truth in it stuck with me. Over the next few days, I struggled to conceive how to accept grace. How does this conception happen? Is it supposed to be immediate? Is it a process? It's a hard concept for me to grasp becuase I've been in a pattern of sin with my own atonement for many many years. Jesus, how do I go about this sanctification process and truly accept what you have already offered?

Thinking about grace is quite humbling. It increases my awareness of just how big God is and how small and insignificant I am - but yet Christ died for me, for my sins, for my atonement.

I can't say that I've done well grasping the concept of grace...I'm expecting the Lord to grow me in this area even more. I don't have a conclustion for this lesson; it may not be completed for many years to come.

Responsibility

2009-12-18T11:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I was challenged to take a look at my life and evaluate the relationships in my life. In all honesty, this challenge to re-evaluate couldn't possibly have happened at a worse time in my life.

However, it's not really MY timing that matters. It's not about me and my own selfish, petty desires at all...it's about learning how to serve God with my life through my thoughts, actions, and attitudes. So it's all about God. It's always been about God...and it always will be. My life's purpose is to glorify Him. This is where relationships and community make it or break it.

I want to share some verses that I've meditated on about community:

"And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4: 11-16

In these verses, it says that we are supposed to build up the body until each part works properly. I'm not working properly, and I recognize the importance of being teachable. As part of this life-long challenge, I am going to be stretched in learning how to be taught.

I am asking for help in refinement. I can't do this alone - I will need guidance and I need to know that when I'm wrong in my words, actions, and attitudes...I can depend on the body, my community, and my closest relationships to correct it.

This is just the beginning of the process.

homey-ized office

2009-12-12T13:58:00.000-06:00

here's my office. now, mind you, i didn't actually take pictures of the bookshelves or all of the file cabinets. they are just too boring. enjoy!

top: view from my computer
middle: view of my wall next to the computer
bottom: view of the door/hallway from the desk