Walls

this weekend has been a little difficult.  not in like the sense that something terrible happened.  or that any horrific news has come my way.  

but just in the sense of my heavy heart.  it all started when i had to make a decision to attend a "'geriatric skate" event with the singles group at my church.  

i seriously couldn't decide what to do.  

so, in trying to figure out why this decision was so hard, i figured out that i have a few things that have been festering.  

the main issue?  my lack of interest in putting myself out there.  to be vulnerable.

i have effectively built walls around myself.  i'm more content to stay home and read a book than to go hang out with a sweet friend that could be very life-giving.  i just can't seem to bring myself to do these things. 

these walls also make me a lame friend.  i never want to do anything.  and i would rather just be at home.  

unfortunately (or fortunately?), now that i've recognized this monstrous glaring problem in my life, i have to continually work on it and through it.  

i was talking with LS about this decision and her response was something along the lines of, "well, if you don't want to do anything, you're going to be alone.  and then in the next stage of life, you're not going to want to do anything again.  so then you'll be alone.  and essentially, you'll be alone forever."

how true is that?  if i don't build up my community in this new phase in life, i have only the few people that i've been able to keep contact with since moving in april.  

and just how many friends have i made since then?  not counting acquaintances and just including the people i regularly see and talk to outside of church is 2. T-W-O.  now i'm upset with myself.

the realization that i've been lame and become a new member and haven't been active and don't really want to be active now is harsh.  

it was my slap of the weekend.  

and let me tell you, it hit hard.

these walls, they're high.  and they aren't keeping me safe like they were supposed to.  i've hurt myself.  and now i'm upset with myself.  i'm still a mess.   

almost 10 months later, i'm an absolute mess.  and all i wanted was to feel safe.

The College Years

Recently, my younger sister L moved back to CS to resume her position as a college student.

Shortly after she moved back, I realized that this is the first time in FIVE years that I have not had the college student lifestyle.  And it's quite strange.

There are things that I don't miss.  Like having to think about what to make for dinner each week (even though I am asked for input at my parent's house) and having to grocery shop.  I'm super glad it's a joint effort around here.  And having to clean and change my sheets regularly.  I'm quite thankful that my parents invest in a woman who is quite skilled at leaving our home clean and fresh every other week!  I still do my own laundry and ironing, so not much has changed there.

BUT.  There are things that I miss.

Like these faces:

And living with these ladies:

And random moments like this:

And doing silly things like this in foreign places:

And having community with people like this:

And hanging out with her:

And being a part of moments with groups like this:

And crazy nights like these:

Going on roadtrips just to be girls:

Spending Friday nights just cruising around CS for no good reason:

And Having conversations with her:

I've just been thinking lately.  And reminiscing.  And enjoying the time that I've been given with all of these wonderful experiences and people.  Love you!