Freedom

That's not the title that I would have originally picked for a post about my MCAT scores.  But I can honestly say that this is the only word that is resonating in my mind.

Freedom.

Freedom from pressure.
Freedom to really follow God's plan.
Freedom to discover God's purpose in my life.
Freedom to see how His plan is going to play out.
Freedom from worry.

All day long (and really for the last month since I took the test), I've been wondering how I would react one way or another.  I decided it wouldn't matter either way.  If the scores were perfect, AWESOME!  But if the other outcome was a reality with scores lower than average, then I know that God was still faithful through the process of studying and preparing for this test.  I know that this process has been me living His Will.

How do I know that?  The proof that I'm not completely devastated with my lower-than-average score of 24O.  I want it to be a testament to how He has carried me through some of the toughest times in my entire life to get me in a place where I will continue to praise Him regardless of outcomes.

So, I have freedom.  I have peace. I have excitement to look forward in fulfillment of whatever God's plans might be for my life.  And I have faith, a stronger faith and belief in the King who gave me life than I've ever had before in my life.

Praise be to Him.  Because let's just be honest, I've done absolutely nothing in my lifetime to be worthy of the blessings He has bestowed upon my life.

I said that I would praise Him regardless of the outcome, and I can think of doing nothing else!

[MCAT scores are on a scale from 0-45, with 30 (my goal) being considered a good score to be accepted into medical school. The letter "O" after the numbers is my writing score.]

Do Not Worry...

we've all heard this verse:

"therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  sufficient for the day is its own trouble." matthew 6:34

so that's basically what my mom told me when i shared my anxieties from yesterday.

i liked her wording as well - "it sounds like you are borrowing tomorrow's troubles...those things are not on the agenda for today.  focus on the task at hand."

WOW.

it was a moment i needed.  it came late in the day - after struggling with desperate thoughts all afternoon.  worrying about the future - which is not mine to worry about.

she brought be back down to where i needed to be. (unfortunately, at that moment, it was organic chemistry.)

so this is an apology for the women who i might have scared yesterday with my "timer" talk.  i do not believe that as women, we are limited to a certain time of having babies.  if it's the Lord's will, He is the only one who can create that little life inside of you.  it is wholly up to Him.  not me.  not this stupid timer that i created.  there is no such timer when you serve a God as big as the one i do.

i'm sorry.  please do research more about high risk pregnancies, because the information is valuable!  if you have questions, i can answer them!  or try to, that is.

please accept this apology.

and please try to remember me in your thoughts/prayers!  the mcat day is soon approaching.

let His Will be done.

The Apothecary's Daughter

I'm reading this book.

It's a good book.  I'm enjoying it.  But I also feel like the main character and I are a lot alike.

Granted, I'm not the daughter of an apothecary.  And I don't have "suitors" or "gentlemen" pursuing me.

But I think I definitely identify with her frantic thoughts of "running out of time."

Keep in mind I haven't really had feelings like this.  I even had a friend recently tell me that I had this part of my life down.  It was easy for me to separate my desires of having a family because of my busy schedule.  My ambitions.  My independence.

And then it seemed that a lot of my good friends are married, getting married, or having babies.

This post might be a little cryptic.  But that's just kind of how it's coming out.

The point is this: I'm potentially pursuing a career that will take the next 9-10 years to train for.  In that same amount of time, I'll be considered "advanced maternal age" and the risk for abnormalities in babies begins to have a crazy effect on the statistics.  Today, after only seeing pregnant ladies in the clinic, one stood out.  She's my age.  And this is her 5th pregnancy.

Let me just say this:  I don't really want to be pregnant that many times or have the number of children that she has at this age.

But I do feel like a timer started.  And I'm feeling a tad desperate today.

I know that Jesus is bigger than all of these things.  He has put me in this place for a purpose.

There should be no "but" after that statement.

BUT, this afternoon, I do feel overwhelmed.  And this just seemed the easiest thing to express at the moment.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, friends.  I could definitely use some heavenly encouragement.

All My Single Ladies...

This weekend, I went on a winter retreat with my Young Professionals Group from church.  It was a challenging weekend on several different levels.  I learned a ton about myself and how I am living my life for me and not for Jesus.  It's bad.  Like way selfish bad.  So, when people ask me, "Did you have fun?!"  I can't really say that "fun" is learning about how I live not glorifying God every minute of every day.

So, what did I learn exactly?  Lots.  But one thing I haven't been able to forget occurred during a conversation with my new friend J.  She and I talked alot about singleness.  What it means, the challenges, how we both desire to be married one day, the characteristics we would desire in a future spouse, etc.  It was all good stuff to talk about with someone who is clearly thinking on the same wavelengths as I am.  

One afternoon, during free time, we were chilling on some porch swings in the chilly sun.  And I was mentioning to her that I wanted to go through the whole Bible and find things that pertained to single people.  Confession:  I've never read the whole Bible.  I'm pretty lazy about it, actually (there's one of those lessons creeping in!).  So, in response to my comment, J says, "Yeah, I mean, the Bible doesn't really have a whole lot of stuff relating to singleness."  

That simple statement hit me hard.  Yes, it is good to read the whole Bible. To know the character of God and to understand how He cares for us (the cross, people!).  But if there really isn't a whole lot on singleness, I was thinking: maybe our focus is completely wrong.  

Maybe it's a struggle, but we shouldn't be so caught up in our singleness and how hard it is that we forget our purpose.  Our purpose, as a creation and imitation of God is to live solely to glorify Him and further the kingdom.  Singleness does make an impact.  Right now, in our lives, we can serve and glorify God better than if we were married.  So, later, holding out on what God has placed as desires in our hearts to be married, we will glorify him as being a reflection of the church and Christ.  

All of these things served to encourage me in my singleness.  It helped me to refocus how I've been living and define how I should be living.  What a powerful weekend.  I'll post more things that God is showing me as I process through my thoughts a bit more. What a powerful way to start the new year!

A Weary Heart

Changes.

They're hard.

Sometimes, really hard.

They represent the unknown.

The uncertain.

Maybe they're good.

Or they could be bad.

They can make life go in different directions.

They cause people to change.

Maybe for the better.

But maybe for the worse.

They can cause wounds.

Physical.

Emotional.

Psychological.

People can be against changes...just because it's different.

It's not worse.  It might be better.

But their eyes are unable to see.

So, here, in this battlefield, change is just change.

And there is opposition.

Which makes "going on" even harder.

It makes one question decisions.

But upon further inspection, there could have been no changes.

Change is change.

And regardless of what people may say, it's not widely accepted.

If my position was held by anyone else, they would encounter the same opposition.

So it's not me.

It's just that I happen to represent change.

And it's hard to keep making myself believe that.

[My] Life is a Highway...

...at least for another week.  Literally, I feel like I spend the majority of my day on the highways between College Station and Spring.  Maybe that's because I am.  With over 4 hours of time in my car A DAY, and over 200 miles driven EACH DAY, I'm beginning to realize that no, I never want to be a truck driver.  But thanks for the offer!

So, I have a 3-hour commute (total time) to sit at a desk for 4 hours.  Then I have an hour commute (total time, again) to be at swim practice for about 3 hours.  Dude.  I feel as though I've been run over!  It's so exhausting...and I wanted to share with you some things that I've seen/realized/thought about while driving.

While driving, I've seen these things on the road:

• A car battery hanging out in the middle of my lane (I had to swerve to avoid it!).  I hope the car that it belongs to doesn't need it soon...
• Lots of farm equipment traveling at unacceptable speeds
• A mobile home being transported
• Lots and lots of roadkill
• Lots of carnival rides heading back to where they came from (on more than one day!)
• The Historical Site sign in Millican is 5/6 missing.  I'm not joking...something happened to 5/6 of the thing!  It's so weird looking at part of the sign, and not knowing where the other part went!
• The sun rise through the foggy fields (this made Thursday's drive a little more intriguing)
• Brooding clouds.  Yes, clouds can brood.  At least they did yesterday...
• Lots and lots of cops/sherriffs/patrol units.  Don't worry, I haven't met any of them personally. 

While driving, avoid idiots like these:

• A guy in a green suburban eating lunch who is especially good at "lane drifting".  He's dangerous!
• The person who speeds up to pass you, gets in front of you, and then slows down...causing you to also have to slam on the brakes.  (GRRRRR!)
• The person who drives slow (like 15 below the speed limit) because they can.  Seriously, that's not safe!
• Fast lane-shifting semis.  Scary!!!

I've also done a lot of talking to the other drivers.  It's never really that mean, but come on people, didn't you take a driving test like the rest of us?!  It's absolutely ridiculous the amount of stuff people get away with these days.

So, basically, I'll be super happy when next week is over and my commute will drop a total of 3 hours.  I'm so ready for it!  Cuz really, my iPod can only play so much music to keep me occupied for so long.  I'm just saying.  And, I hit 2 different rush hours: the 6:30 Houston rush hour, and then the 8:00 College Station rush hour.  There's basically no way I make it to work in less than an hour and 30 minutes.  It's just not possible. 

4-hour commute + increased physical activity (increased back pain) + 28 six and unders + emotionally draining move = feels like a truck ran over my body and then backed up...

Here's to a weekend where I get to organize my newly refurbished room in my parent's house!  Yes, I've been living around boxes all week. 

My planned Saturday morning sleep-in can't seem to get here soon enough.  Sigh.

Now it's time to pack up and get on the road to H-town yet once again.  Happy rainy Friday everyone!

Meet Cynthia*

There's a lot to catch up on when you move around and travel and start new things all in the same week.  This is going to be a hodge-podge of things that have happened/I've been thinking about/I've felt since Monday.

Why Monday?

Well, Monday was my official move-out day.  I had been working on packing up all of my stuff in the Shalom Shack for a few weeks, and really, the time flew by.  For those who might be moving soon, I found that trying to do a box or two a day is much easier than waiting until the day before the move to start packing.  Just a little friendly word of advice :) 

Anywho.  Moving.  I graduated a year ago, and yes, I moved out of the apartment that I had lived in for 2 years.  But I never really experienced the emotional part of moving.  I knew that I would be back that fall.  So moving wasn't that big of a deal. 

This time, however, is way more difficult.  You see, I'm not going to be moving back to College Station.  And after the movers had everything that belonged to me moved out of my bedroom the living room and kitchen, there was a hole gaping in my heart.  The living room looked so empty and forlorn (missing a couch and a table).  I tried not to imagine my roommates coming home from work later that day and finding it so...so...barren. 

When I pulled out of the driveway for the last time (because I no longer own a key), it was almost too much to handle.  I fought tears for the next 20 minutes, all the way to Navasota.  How in the world was I supposed to start swim practice that day when I was a mess like this?!  I had to pull it together. 

But really, I never would have imagined the amount of sadness I experienced.  Never.  I don't know if it's like that for all of the people who leave their college town.  It's the place you grow the most and figure out who are you, who your friends are, and where you want to go with life.  It's hard to leave.

We get to Spring about an hour and a half later, the movers unload the moving truck into my snazzy new storage unit, complete with climate control, and that's it.  We're done by 12:15.  And I'm in a funk.  Practice starts in less than 4 hours.  I'm starving.  I'm feeling torn open (on the inside).  And my assistant coach is gone until Wednesday. 

I was just a tad overwhelmed.  Maybe I'll try to plan these things better next time.  I mean, I've just recently been able to connect with  my emotions again.  And let me tell ya, they're some strong ones these days. 

My dad helps me to unload my car with some of the necessities I needed until the move, I eat lunch, and collapse on my bed while my dad goes to work.  Around 3, I rouse myself to get ready for my first practice as a head coach.  Whoa.  I'm nervous...go away butterflies!

I'm the first one at the pool.  And I don't start freaking out until 17 6&unders show up.  That's about a 1/3 of the size of our team.  17.  I've never dealt with that many small kids at once!  Lord, now's the time for you to show me what patience and creativity look like.  By the time the older kids show up, I'm already emotionally exhausted, and seriously can't really take anymore.  But, thank goodness that the older ones are more self-sufficient. 

All in all, I felt like a failure.  I had assured the board that I would be able to handle this!  If only I knew that this enormous number of 6&unders seriously terrified me.  FAILURE.  awesome.

Tuesday started roughly...at 5:00 am!  That's the time my alarm is set for every day this week and next.  I snooze for 30 minutes, get up, shower, pull together my lunch, and then head out by 6:30 am to head to College Station for 4 hours of work.  By noon, I'm on my way back to Spring. 

Basically, what this amounts to is a lot of time to think about my time as a failure coach.  Positive, yes?  Actually, it gave me alot of time to talk to Father. 

"Okay, Lord, you clearly provided this job.  You were the one to make it evident this is where I'm supposed to be.  How come I don't see you?  I don't see your hand in this situation.  Please show me why you put me as a coach for this team."

When I'm weak, He's strong.  He provided 4 more 6&unders yesterday!  And two more-than-willing helpers.  Okay, so Tuesday was a little better.  And the 11&ups were in pain after their drylands.  Success!  I did my job well. 

My realization from the last two days?  Don't shut down, stay positive, supply encouragement, and seek out help.  I don't have to do this alone.  21 youngsters is a lot. to. handle.  Try it someday - it's not easy.  I definitely have a new-found respect for my Aunt, who teaches kindergarten.  No one could pay me enough to do that day after day, year after year. 

So I've discovered that my gifts do not include interacting with small children.  God definitely uses opportunities to show us how He wants to use us one day, right?  Yes.  I repeat: STRONG YES! 

Today is Wednesday, and I'm sitting at my desk in College Station, sore from practice.  And I'm growing in several areas.  My leadership skills are improving.  I'm finding out it's good to delegate and communicate effectively.  And it's okay to say I'm overwhelmed.  I'll eventually get the hang of it. 

At this point, you might be wondering, "Who's Cynthia?"  She's a junior in high school, attending the school "where the bad kids go".  She's also dedicated and from what I can tell, willing to learn from me.  So, she's the answer to my prayer (Where is your hand, Lord?)...

After talking to her for just a few minutes while waiting for her dad to pick her up, I had an immense peace about the whole situation.  Before that?  Butterflies.  But for some reason, I just know it's all going to work out. 

God gave me this job.  And learning how to lead is difficult to say the least.  I've gotten good at following.  But I'm being pushed and He's growing me.  It's comforting to know that I'm not doing this alone. 

Moving on...

Today marks my last full day as a resident in College Station, Texas.  Over the last 5 years, there have been quite a few different experiences and memories created.  Here's my collection of pictures to show for it:

Freshman year:

I went to Fish Camp (and Impact).

I was the only one to witness my older sister's ring day.

I went on a few road trips.

I went on a blind date to the BQ Ball.

I turned 19.

I went to the HLSR to see Pat Green.

Sophomore Year:

I was an Impact counselor.

I went to the BQ Ball (not on a blind date).

I turned 20.

I became an Impact Co-Chair.

I went to NYC.

Junior Year:

I went to Impact for the last time.

I was an Upstream leader.

I went to China for the first time.

I got my Aggie Ring.

I found my best friend.

I went to China for the second time.

Senior Year:

I went to midnight yell for the last time as a student.

I stood next to one of my best friends as she married her very best friend.

I turned 22 and got whipped cream smeared on my face.

I went to a dance for my Aggie Ring.

I walked across a stage and claimed my very own really expensive piece of paper!  Thanks mom and dad!

After Graduation:

I went to China for the 3rd time, this time for 6 weeks.

Had some amazing roommates.

I turned 23.

I interviewed and got my first real-deal full-time job.

So there ya have it.  The last 5 years.  The years where I discovered great people. The years where I discovered my passions and desires.  The time when I became a person with a degree that might actually mean something one day.

The days that taught me what life is really about: the Gospel, community, and good coffee.  I'm just saying that this time has made me who I am.  It's a bitter-sweet "See ya later" to College Station. 

{Hello, unknown...}

Part 10: The End (or is it?)

This is the final part of my Germany Chronicles series.  Click the link above to read the first 9 parts.

My heart couldn't be ripped out many more times and still survive intact.

___________________________________________

After Matthias left for Germany, I knew that things were different between us. We had conversed about more waiting, something I wasn't really that willing to participate in. He didn't seem to worry about the massive amount of time it took communicate, albeit, we had decided to start talking more through emails because of my episode in February. And I felt like I had already told him the most important piece of information.

Early in this series, I mentioned in a fleeting comment about how impatient I can be. This situation is the ideal example of how much I didn't want to wait for the Lord to lead us together, if it was His will. I wanted a commitment; I wanted more than what I was offered.
So I started to pursue the option of dating Thomas. By the end of the summer, it was clear that I liked him and he liked me. After school started, things continued. We talked on AIM quite a bit (old school, right?!) and things seemed to be taking off in the relationship direction. But I still hadn't settled the situation with Matthias. I had no idea how he felt about me still. Becuase of his lack of urgency, I couldn't be sure that he felt even close to the admiration I felt for him.

By the end of August in 2004, I was certain of my decision to end it. "It" being a relative term, because we didn't have anything official. In an email, I told Matthias I wanted to send him a letter, so I needed his new stateside address.

I proceeded to write my version of a "Dear John" letter. I told him about Thomas and how I felt like things were going to work out and consequently, felt held back by our relationship. I explained how I had started to experience my feelings change earlier that year when I had been forced to break my own heart.

In my head, it seemed like it would have been easier to make a clean break than to continue this non-relationship-type friendship. Just let me tell you, it's almost impossible for guys and girls to be good friends without one or the other having feelings for the other. That topic will have to be another entirely different blog post in and of itself.

Before he actually received The Letter, he wrote, "To be honest I'm afraid it could be something bad, but I'll see..."

I felt horrible.  He already had a feeling of impending doom...

Nonetheless, I sent the letter several months later and he documented the actual delivery in an email to me. It also gave him a chance to express his feelings about the entire situation.

He wasn't surprised. He actually had been expecting it because we hadn't talked for a couple of months. He felt the same way as I did. Our relationship had lost its validity when we decided to wait. Overall, even though he seemed to accept everything that I had said well, he still seemed hurt. We had a lot of history, and I was still having serious doubts that it could be over. I had given him my heart. And then I took it back.

It was easier for me to move on from him with Thomas in the picture. 8 months later, I would question my decision to finalize the end with Matthias. I've been questioning it ever since.
_______________________________________

It's been almost 7 years since I first met Matthias that fateful summer in Germany. 6 years since we ended it. 5 years since I've emailed with him (just to catch up, randomly). 3 years since I found him on the German facebook site. 2 years since he found the real facebook, and we became "friends" again.

Looking back through all of these memories and diving back into old letters and emails has shown me one thing: a heart can't really forget it's first love. I still wonder what could have happened had I been willing to be patient and wait out the time apart. He had been considering moving to Houston to attend school there in order to be closer to me. We had talked about future plans...and mutually, we had agreed that during the time we communicated, the other person was equally important to be in the other's life.

In the present, would he still feel the same way? Or, because I have been single since high school, am I just trying to hold on to the past and not move forward? If we were to meet randomly, what would we say to each other?

Why can't I let go? Since I started doing this series, I've been asking myself what the point was...beyond writing about my own "Dear John" experience. The point? I'm not finished. I let go some time ago. But I'm not done with the story.

[This part might only make sense to Twilight readers: When I read the Twilight series about a year and a half ago, I could never imagine Robert Pattinson's face as Edward. It didn't fit right for me. I had seen the movie first, so it should have been easy for his face to magically make its way into the action in my head. But not really. Matthias' face was my Edward. It definitely took me a while to figure out why I couldn't see Robert, but once I saw that Matthias just fit, it was no going back. All vampire qualities aside, Matthias is my "Edward" subconsciously.]

When I finished Dear John, I was so mad at the characters. She had moved on, and was happy, yes, but always wondered about what could have happened with John. It frustrates me to know that this will always be my reality, not just a fictional story. I guess I will always wonder what could have happened and what might have been. If given another chance, and knowing what I know now, things might look a whole lot different.

But there's really no reason to think about what might have been or what could have happened. If things had worked out with Matthias, there's a good chance I wouldn't have come to the greatest college of all time.  I wouldn't have had some of the best roommates on the planet.  I wouldn't have met my absolute best friend of all time. I wouldn't have been able to experience my love affair with Chinese people. I wouldn't be who I am, who God planned for me to be. So, no, I don't regret anything.

But I will always love him, whether he knows it or not.

Part 9: Leaving on a Jet Plane

This post is a continuation of my Germany Chronicles series.  Please click the link above to read the first 8 parts.


He was still the blue-eyed blonde I had left last summer. But something was different. We had a history this time. A long, detailed history...

______________________________________________
Over the time that Matthias and his German buddies were in Houston, I was consistently busy trying to balance the time spent with them and my other responsibilities, mainly swimming. Because it was summer, I was doomed to awaken before the sun even rose to endure the torture of the lukewarm 50-meter pool. Swimming in the early mornings while watching the sun rise. It definitely sounds more romantic than the actual reality of the sun glaring into your eyes every time you turn your head to breathe. How annoying!

But during these mundane practices, I was fighting an emotional turmoil. With several hours to ponder the complexities of my "relationship" with Matthias each morning, swimming was generally the last thing on my mind. Swimming is a sport that doesn't quite completely takeover your thoughts, or at least it never took mine. Maybe that's why I never really advanced as far as I should have. I had the potential. I just never took the initiative to acquire those goals. Shame on me.

[What was I talking about? Matthias...yes, I remember now!]

During these few weeks with Matthias in person, there were a couple of opportunities for us to be together. I have to admit that I maybe kind-of skipped a couple of swim practices in order to participate in different service activities.

While their team of people was here, there was a certain organization to the madness. Because of the number of participants who turned out to help on certain days, we were split into several groups. My two other sisters were in a different group than myself.  It was strange how these things were decided. I learned later that because my family was hosting 2 girls, my sisters were paired with them and other host/hostee pairs. I was placed in a group consisting of my past team members with German teenagers that I already knew from the previous summer. Coincidence? I think not.

Regardless of the way we were split, Matthias and I were able to spend some together with other mutual friends. I remember one day in particular.

We had traveled to a nearby apartment community to reach out to the children and minister to them. Matthias ended up playing basketball on the courts, whereas I was playing different games in an area closeby. On this particular afternoon, Matthias twisted his ankle. Good thing I was there to take care of him!

In a matter of a few minutes, I had convinced myself that if I took care of his ankle, he would maybe see how much potential I had. By potential, I seriously mean "wife material". I wanted to prove my capacity for caring for him in a way that no one else possibly could. By this point in their trip, it was pretty obvious to other people that there was "something" going on between the two of us. I didn't try to hide it. I had been trying to "mark my territory" the entire time.

I'm fully aware I'm not a dog, but there were serious threats coming from fellow American girls, girls who were able to be at the different events quite a bit more than me. My thoughts towards these other girls went along the lines of "Did you go to Germany last summer? NO. Did you meet him and then write letters back and forth for a year? NO. Did you receive the best birthday present ever from him? NO. BACK OFF."
Now, I never actually said these things out loud...but let's be honest. I'm quite embarrassed to see how I treated the whole situation in my head. My heart couldn't handle losing him again - let alone to someone who was not as committed as I was already.

All these girls wanted was a "summer fling". Okay, so the accents make you melt, I admit. I will also own up to the appeal of being with a foreign guy. I met him innocently one afternoon with no intention of ever making it as far as we had come. I never intended to fall in love. I never wanted to have to "slow things down" from across an ocean. But it happened. And I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

During his stateside visit, Matthias and I made a point to spend some time alone. We had things to talk about. Through the last year, I had kept asking him what we were considered. His response? "We are just friends for now. Let's get to know each other better before we commit to being more."

Yes, logically, it made sense. My heart didn't want it to be that easy. So, my heart and my head were saying completely different things.

Over the last year, my dad had talked to me on several different occasions about my feelings for this man. During one intense conversation, he wanted me to seriously consider the possibilty of moving to Germany to be with this man. Gulp. Move halfway around the world? Learn a new language? Live there for the rest of my human life?

I was ready to commit.

But it was more complicated. It always is, right?

For starters, I still had another year of high school. And he was about to move to New York in the fall to work with an inner-city ministry there.

When we ever-so-quietly snuck away to have time alone, we discussed the details of what we were. I desperately wanted him to go ahead and commit. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to start heading in the "official title" direction. You know...girlfriend, fiance, wife.

My deepest fears became a reality: more waiting.

But wasn't it him who had mentioned something his father had once told him? "The three most important things in life are to find God, find a good job, and find someone to spend your life with. You already have the first thing. You already know what the second one is, and now you just have to find that third thing."

The suggestiveness of him saying this wisdom to me was enough to make me believe he was committing to me. In my head, that was him saying that I was the one. Right? I convinced myself that it meant one day, I would be his wife.

How absolutely bold and foolish of me. 

The time came for our German partners to leave. It was a cloudy, dreary day. And the weather could not have matched my mood more perfectly.

Memories of the last few weeks flooded my mind. I couldn't stop picturing the way his face lit up when he stepped off the elevator that first day and saw me. I couldn't get the feeling of holding his hand (interdigitated, might I add) for the first time that fateful afternoon when he twisted his ankle. The afternoon he spent with my family at our neighborhood pool. The trip to New Braunfels and Austin to see the Capital of Texas. And then the discussions that we had which ultimately meant more waiting.

I was an emotional mess. I was in love and having to leave my man for the second time. At this point, we had spent maybe 2.5 total weeks together physically. My heart was acting as if it couldn't find a rhythm. Surely someone had ripped it out in the last days and attempted to put it back in, good as new.

Before we left to take our two hostee girls to the airport, I wrote Matthias a letter. He was instructed to not open it until he got on the plane. I couldn't bear to have him read it in front of me.

Once my family arrived to the airport, I bolted out of the car into the terminal and found him immediately. I handed him my note. They checked into their flight, and left to go find their gate. I watched as he rode up the escalator to pass through security. When he approached the top, he turned around and paused. I waved. And then he disappeared.

My heart was in his hands. [Literally. Remember that note? I wrote to him that I loved him.]

I was so afraid of losing him.
Soon after he disappeared to finish his journey stateside, my face was buried into my dad's chest. Surely true love never really felt like this.
 
My heart couldn't be ripped out many more times and still survive intact.

Part 7: The Letters

*this is a continuation of my Germany Chronicles series, and you should check out the first 6 parts before reading below!

I finally found the folder I needed to finish this journey...

And that year, we would write...

______________________________________________________________________

For the group of Texans that went to Germany that summer, our trip was scheduled from July 1st through the 12th.  From what I remember on the night we got back (it was the 13th because of time changes), all I did was sit on my bed with the Downhere cd on repeat in my room.  I was in a daze...and my emotions had not completely caught up with me.  About 2 days earlier, I had been with Matthias physically.  That was before I had to leave him.  And it was before our tragic flight home.  

This daze...it was for multiple reasons.  I couldn't seriously believe that the trip was already over.  Was it even real?  I'm sure I must have pinched myself several times.  I wasn't dreaming, right?

Over the next few weeks, several things would be a comfort to me as I tried to get back to my "normal" life.  Whatever that was.  

First of all, my pictures.  After taking the disposable cameras to Walgreens to be developed and actually having to go back to pick the prints up, these objects proved that what happened was, in fact, real.  Second, my music.  Three cds remind me of my journey: Josh Groban's Closer, Warren Barfield's self-titled album, and Downhere's self-titled album.  Thirdly, my stomach could not seem to forget Matthias' touch.  This last one might be silly.  But I was 16...and seriously inexperienced with any kind of contact with the opposite gender.  So, my mind wouldn't really let go of this one.  Fourthly (but it's really first), I had recieved an email on the 10th of July - 2 days before I had even gotten back - from Matthias.  *heart, be still*

I no longer have a digital copy of this first email...but I did print off a copy the night I received it.

It is on this copy I have made my own notes to point out the highlights of what he wrote.  Some of these things went like this:

"I tried so hard to divert myself, but I just can't stop thinking of you..."

"My hands are still shaking as I write this and I think I never felt like this before.  What did you do to me?"  (I probably giggled when I first read that one.)

"I really wished we would have had more time together alone." (he added the bold)

"When you asked me what I wanted from the states, do you know what came to my mind first?  You.  I just didn't dare tell you that then."  (At one point during the trip, I strategically asked him what he might want from the states...and his hesitation was enough to answer the question until I saw this email...)

See?  Now maybe it might make more sense as to why I printed it out...reading it once was simply not enough.

Over the next few months, we wrote back and forth using email and snail mail.  The average time for a real piece of mail to get from one address to the other was about 9 days.  

We wrote of "I miss you" and "I miss you too".  We wrote of vacations.  We spent time talking about what we could officially define our relationship as.  He wrote a lot about how he doesn't write a lot, but that didn't mean he doesn't care.  He just can't think of what to say.  

By August, I was sure I was in love.  Head-over-heals-I'll-move-to-Germany-for-you love.

I had to be careful of who I expressed this fact to.  And to be honest, I can't think of a single person I actually told.  I was afraid people would tell me I was crazy.  I didn't want to hear the things I had heard up until that point: "guard your heart", "it's just not logical", "the age difference is too much", "he lives too far away".

Those conversations went against everything I felt.  Okay, maybe the whole situation wasn't logical.  But really, how can I just tell my heart to stop beating?  It wasn't going to change anything.  

Regardless of how my heart felt, I was quite reserved in my emails and letters.  I spoke with him about how we needed to slow things down - I'm only 16!  And I still 2 more years of high school.  This can't be good to go so fast when we are so far away.  Writing to each other in the way that we had been was quite dangerous.

"I miss you so bad and I feel like you were gone for a year already" (I had been gone a total of 20 days)

"...but you know you can take this as another proof of your beauty and kindness..."

"I'm really missing you badly and praying for you and that God may lead our ways together if it's his will..."

"I can't wait to see you again..."

A few months into it, he mentioned me coming to visit over Christmas and New Year's.  Whoa.  If I had been 23, there would maybe be no question if I could go.  But I was 16, and was sure my parents would deny me the opportunity.  I mentioned it in passing...but I don't think I was actually taken seriously by them.

November approached...our shared birthday month.  I can't remember what I sent him as a present.  But I think I was excited about it because he definitely wrote about how he was excited to receive it...because I had talked about it so much.  

My birthday was about 20 days after his, and I honestly didn't expect anything.  I would have been happy with just a letter telling me happy birthday.  

As it turns out, I did get a letter...

And a piece of his past.

This shows his old drum (the one I now possess) and his new one.

It did indeed arrive broken.  But I don't know how to play the drums, and this gift was better than anything else he could have given me.  It still sits in my room and I will never get rid of it.  When I actually grow up and officially move out of my parent's house, then I will take it with me.  

With his gift, he also sent pictures with great explanations on the backs.

...sorry for the blur...

On my actual birthday, after arriving home from swim practice, the phone rings...one of my parents answers the phone (like usual) and then subsequently calls out my name for me to get it.  At this point, I can't think of any person who could be calling me.

I answer. "Hello?"

"Hello, Erin..." 

My heart starts pounding.  It can't be.  No way.  I'm dreaming.  I can't stand up anymore.  Where 's the chair...oh, there it is.  Sit.  BREATHE.  

"Hi...I can't believe it's you..."

He called. On my 17th birthday.  To wish me a happy birthday.  And almost gave me a heart attack in the process.  

It was so fabulous to hear his voice again - the smooth richness of it, his accent - and it seriously felt right.

I don't remember the conversation from that night.  But I remember hanging up feeling as if I was never going to fall asleep again.  

And that night, once I fell asleep, I probably most definitely dreamt of him and his voice.

Part 7 Coming Soon!

Oh dear...the endeavors I have created for myself.

Upon my decision to accept a swim team coaching job in Houston, I have to clean out my room in my parent's house so I can move back into it...

Which means there's a lot of stuff to go through in the next few days.  Maybe I'll document some of the process.

In the meantime, I decided to start under my bed - and found the folder of letters that Matthias had written to me.  I was starting to have some serious doubts about whether or not I would be able to find them.  I haven't seen this folder in YEARS.

But, alas, I have discovered it in the depths of the under-bed.  And now, I am definitely going to be prepared to write part 7.  My heart is pounding because I am so stinking excited about this find.

sigh.

How great these things work out.

So, I apologize to make you wait longer.  But it will be on my list of things to work on in the next days here at my parent's house.

Woohoo!

Until later,
ED

Part 6: Journeying Home

*this is a continuation of my real-life Dear John story.  visit the "Germany Chronicles" tab to read the first 5 parts*

Sometimes, dreams do come true.
____________________________________________________________

Out of all of the International trips that I've been on in my 23 years, I can definitely say that this adventure had the most emtional roller-coasters. My journeys to China are completely different in the emotional arena. Maybe the difference also comes from age and maturity. But in all honesty, this trip to Germany did nothing less than keep us all on our toes. After a group of 6 get lost on a train in their pjs, another guy had gotten lost our last night in Munich. Our youth minister seriously didn't know where he had gone off to - and this guy finally made it back to our hotel, but it was a scary deal! This was before everyone had cell phones that worked internationally.

However, on our long flight back to America, an incident occured that helped me to see just how precious a gift we have in the life given to us.

While on the plane, I was happily consumed with the entertainment tv on the back of the chair in front of me. It wasn't until the captain made an announcement that went something like, "If you are a doctor, we ask your assistance in the rear of the plane"...did I know that something terribly wrong had happened. Again, it was like a scene of a movie. These kinds of things just really don't ever happen in real life.

Because I was located near the back of the train, I began to search for the source of the problem, and crane my neck to look behind me. What I saw shook me to the core.

One of my fellow team members and travel companion to Cologne was purple - and didn't appear to be breathing.

At this point, we were flying over the midwestern United States - and we turned around to head back to Chicago to get him some help.

They took him back to the galley in the rear portion of the plane and closed the curtains. Clearly, whatever was happening, they were trying to keep from the rest of us.

When we landed in Chicago, they had an ambulance waiting on the runway. My youth minister left the plane to stay with him...so we were left to wonder what had happened to our friend. We only had a few more hours before we would get to Houston.

Upon arriving in Houston, before heading to baggage claim and to see our families, they pull our entire group into a private room. One of the other ministers from our church was there - and we all knew something had gone terribly wrong. It was here, in this room, that we learned our friend Jim had passed away on our journey home.

Before we left to go find our families (who had also been informed of the incident), we were given the opportunity to process what this meant for our team and our trip. After several moments, I leave the room to go find my family.

Successfully making it through customs, I go to baggage claim and see my family waiting. We gather my luggage, exchange the money I had left over, and head home.

I would like to say that I was grieving for my friend Jim. If I'm being honest, I was the selfish 16-year-old that can only think of herself. And I didn't know Jim that well, but I knew he was ultimately in a better place.

The conversation on the ride home went something like this:
"So, mom and dad, there's this boy..."

"Oh, really, sweetie?"

"No, like, there really IS a boy. And he's German. And we are, like, going to be writing back and forth."

"Honey, what about what happened to Jim? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Did I mention there's, like, a German boy?"


...a little while later...

"Dad, you would have freaked out if you knew that a few nights ago, I was, like, lost on a train in Germany...in my boxers...and only socks on my feet..."

"Yes, honey, it's good I didn't know that happened. I would have been a little frazzled."

"Yeah. We got lost on the dining car. Jim was with us."

"Well, honey, I'm glad you're safe."

...

"I want to go back to Germany one day, but for now, I'm just looking forward to next summer when Matthias will be coming here..."

"That's a long time from now, sweetie."

"Maybe. But he's special. And we're going to write this year. It's going to be great."
_____________________________

And that year, we did write...

Lost. (part 5 of the chronicles)

*this is a continuation of my true-life Dear John story.  if you missed the first 4 parts, visit the tab above labeled, "The Germany Chronicles"*

If there was a ever a time when I wanted a train to stop and turn around, it was at this moment.  Where is the emergency brake?!  This can't be possible...I can't handle leaving him like this!  

_________________________________________________________

Our journey was far from being over.  

After the train left the station, the dread I felt about leaving Matthias was gone.  I had a peace about how the relationship had happened and where we had left things.  Granted, Matthias was in a totally different stage in life than I was.  But at 16, having this guy express interest in me was well, perfect.

Our groups proceed to find our sleeper rooms - each with 6 beds in them!  That night was going to be an adventure, in more ways than one.  In my room, it was quite difficult to squeeze 6 large suitcases and 6 women with backpacks.  It worked...and we proceed to get ready to sleep for our journey to Munich.  For me, this meant I took off my tennis shoes, changed into my red valentine boxers, and got a picture of the only time I would be in my triple-top bunk bed.  To this day, I still have no idea where that picture went.

A view of the sleeper rooms - this was not my room.  It's just to give you an idea about the size.

After taking this picture, a few of the older ladies wanted to discuss my "circumstances" in the dining car.  Another girl on the trip, G, had similar circumstances...so she joined us as well.  We all order hot chocolate from the wait-person and dive right in.  These older ladies wanted to know what had happened over the last 8 days with these German boys!  As we indulged them with details about what happened, how we felt, and what we intended to do after we got back to America, the train slowly made progress.  We would travel for a while, and then we would stop to allow passengers on and off.

At one of these stops, we noticed how long we had been waiting to start up again.  All the while, we keep talking.  After leaving our abnormally long stop, we decide that since it is maybe after 1 in the morning, we should find our beds and try to get some sleep before we arrive at our destination.  We leave the dining car, which contained 2 other guys from our team, and head back to find our car and eventually, our bed.  We go through train car after train car with no success.  We go back to the dining car and mention it to the other 2 guys...and they go looking.  When they arrive back, we know something is terribly wrong.

We try to communicate with the wait-person in the dining car, but it turns out he does not speak English, and none of us speak German well enough to converse.  Interesting.  What do we do now?  

Eventually, after wondering around trying to find a person who might speak English, we find a train engineer who speaks perfect English!  It was a huge relief.  Once we find out that we have indeed switched trains and are now on our way to the West side of Germany as opposed to the Southern side, unbelief set in.  I had on a tshirt, boxers, and socks.  Luckily, I still had my passport on me, but not everyone in the 6 of us did.  Huh.  This is crazy.  

I'm pretty sure I never panicked.  I thought the situation was kinda fun.  Our little group of 6 went on the "scenic tour" to get to our final destination...which means more adventure!

This English-speaking engineer helped us figure out where to go and even helped us figure out a way to meet our group in Munich, after a stop in Cologne.  Want to know a perk?  We got to ride the fastest train in Europe for FREE!  How many people have done that?  I'm one of them.

We found out later that one of the other adult leaders had woken up about the same time that we realized we were on the wrong train.  God had this situation in His hands the whole time.  I was never worried.

We finally arrived to Munich, about an hour after the rest of our group.  They had a stressful event getting all of our belongings off the train as it was stopped, but they managed it marvelously!  After we got the chance to change out of our pjs, we went on our way to become tourists. 

The morning after getting "lost" in Germany.  

Over the next day and half, we visited a castle, went to Dachou concentration camp, and got to wonder around and absorb Munich for the city that it is.  

Neuschwanstein Castle.

Dachou concentration camp.  This picture shows where the old barracks used to be before they were torn down.

The bathroom at Dachou for the prisoners.

The washroom.

During our stay in Munich, my mind was only half there.  I kept wanting to search for his familiar face...I wanted him to be with us.  However, I was strangely at peace in my heart about leaving and going back home.

The last night in Munich.

Sometimes, fairy tales do come true.

It's officially official...

Just moments ago, I accepted a head coaching position for a summer league swim team in Spring, a suburb of Houston. 

*SIGH OF RELIEF*

This decision is based off of the hope that I have in Jesus to provide different opportunities in the various seasons of life.  I know that this is His provision for right now.  The circumstances could not have happened in a more perfect way. 

About 3-4 weeks ago, my mom had mentioned that I should look for a coaching job for the time after my time at TTI is over.  It's temporary, but it's definitely something as opposed to the nothing that I had at the time.  Last week, I finally took the time to research the possibility of coaching after my previous boss and head coach informed me that she had her assistants from last year coming back for this season.  I researched...and there were a few options.  I chose one pretty much randomly, and emailed the team contact. 

We emailed back and forth a few times before I discovered they were only looking for assistant coaches.  It's not a bad thing to be an assistant - I've done it 4 times, with great experiences 3 out of the 4 times.  However, I kind of felt like I needed to look for something more. 

----Last weekend passes on by--->

I get an email on Monday morning saying that this team I had contacted no longer had a head coach.  Something had happened...and they wanted to interview ME. 

Um.
Gosh.
Crazy.
YES! 

I agree to meet with some of the board members this past Tuesday when I was in Houston for various reasons, and it went well.  I believe that I can work with them and communicate things that will need to get done.  Overall, I thought it was a great fit.  Then they said they would let me know by Thursday. 

Wednesday rolls around, I get up, go downtown to meet with my dad's boss about life, circumstances, and resume building.  There is still a potential opportunity...but I'm not going to talk about it just yet.  We'll have to wait to see what happens there.  I get to have lunch with my mom :) and on my way home, I get a phone call from the swim team.  It's Wednesday, not Thursday, and I thought I would get more time!  I tell them I can't quite make my decision yet - so he says he will call back on Friday (ahem, that's today).

After hanging up, I become really overwhelmed...and can't control the tears as they roll down my face for about 30 minutes.  I don't ever cry.  I felt broken. Lost. Overwhelmed.  Why is life so stinking hard? 

But now you're probably thinking this situation doesn't make sense.  This team is a good fit - and it's perfect.  Well, it's just more complicated.  I had to let go of my insecurities in my ability to do this job well.  I had to resign to the Lord that I KNEW He would take care of me through this whole ordeal.  I don't have a clue what I'll be doing after the end of June, when the season is over.  It's really just not something that I can worry about. 

Take a day at a time. 

So, after spending a lot of yesterday thinking, and praying, and spending time praying some more, I felt peace (and excitement) about the coaching job. 

When the team representative called a few minutes ago, I had butterflies in the tummy.  Now, I'm grateful to God that I even have this opportuity to share my passion of swimming with these little kiddos.  It's going to be a lot of fun. 

There ya have it.  I'm moving back to Houston sometime before April 17th.  There's a lot to be done before then...and I'll be sure to keep my piece of the web updated. 

Thanks for sharing in my excitement!
ED

All roads point to...

This week, as mentioned in the previous post, I am spending some time in Houston.  Right now, I can't disclose any details about what has happened exactly (there was an impromptu interview and other important things).

I can, however, say that I desperately need your prayer!  Honestly, at every other point in my life, I have never felt so broken and lost.  As I was resting after a crazy 24 hours of dental appointments, job interviews and other important critical meetings...the song "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road came on the radio downstairs. I love the melody.  But, it's really the lyrics that speak to me on this afternoon of critical decisions. Here are the lyrics:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

So, as I seek the Lord for what He might have my "next step" be...I am asking that you, my friends and family, to seek Him on my behalf.  If you could ask Him for clarity, discernment, and Godly wisdom, that would be so life-giving and support my heart as I travel through this narrow road.

I appreciate each of you and your contribution into my life.  Thanks for offering your prayers.

Word of the Week: EXCITE!

After that last post...and the number of real-people comments I got on it, I'm finding it hard to figure out what to share now.  So, because this week holds several different exciting things, I thought sharing them might be fun.

1. As I was cleaning up and straightening the piles in my room on Saturday, I found an envelope from Christmas with a pretty substantial amount of cash in it - WOOHOO!
2. UPDATE: I got to hang out with Nikki Saturday for lunch and some sweet coffee shop action afterwards.
3. I got to take a really long nap on Sunday afternoon.  It was a great time to not have an agenda and really relax.
4. The Oscars were on Sunday night - and I've never watched the whole program before.  It was really enjoyable, (update!)especially because Sandra Bullock won best actress and Sandra and Nikki are twins.  Best parts of the weekend :) 
5. Monday morning, the morning that I dread the most out of the week, I got up early to take my car to get the oil changed.  See, the exciting part about this not-so-exciting task is that I might or might not have a tiny little crush on one of the guys who works there.  When I get my tires checked, he always does it.  I'm such a silly girl.  But, Josh worked on my car and then I got the oil change and tire rotation - almost a $50 value - for FREE.  The reasoning for that was a little less fortunate...I had to witness one of the associates having what he claims is a "rant".  It was pretty violent - throwing trashcans and the such ( he didn't know I was there).  But I didn't have to pay for anything!  I mean, I guess it might've been worth it.
6. I found the most hilarious blog.  It's definitely laughing-so-hard-you're-now-crying worthy.  You should visit Cake Wrecks.  It won't let you down.
7. I was asked to come interview for a head swim coaching position in Spring.  DID THIS JUST HAPPEN?  I'm way excited.
8. Tuesday, which happens to be today, is the day that I'm going to Houston to check out a graduate program to become an ultrasound technician.  This is also exciting.  I'm looking forward to it more than I thought I would.
9. Tomorrow, I get to meet with a pretty important man in my dad's life (his boss!) to discuss my resume and career goals.  It definitely sounds intimidating, and I might be nervous tomorrow morning when I actually get up to go meet with him.  But for now, I'm just truly grateful and excited that he is taking time out of his morning to meet with me.  I didn't ask - he offered.  And I'm (for lack of a better word) excited.
10. Tomorrow night, I am going to see Rascal Flatts at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo with Leslie.  This is also exciting.  I think the plan is to eat fried oreos (or whatever else they decide to stick in the hot oil this year). 
11. Thursday will probably be hard to transition back into work after not being there for a day and a half...so that leads us to Friday and our roomie night at Cracker Barrel!  This is so great - Cracker Barrel just opened in our small college town, so basically, we just don't know what to do with ourselves until we go there (which is so soon!).  Friday night = exciting.

There you have it.  10 things that are happening (or have happened) in my week.  And, next week is Spring Break - which is strange because I have to work for 3 days of it, but I'm thankful for a 4-day weekend.  Until next time, when I find a topic that is blog-worthy,

Thanks for reading my ramble.
ED