Wednesday, December 29, 2010

What a Gloomy Day!

It's about 61* outside and raining.  Gross!

I can't say that I enjoy this weather.  Because, honestly, I hate it.  When the sun doesn't have to get up and work, why do I?  Allright, fine.  I'll stop complaining.  I actually got up super early today to go walking with friends.  And it was good, productive.  Getting up at 6 on vacation?  I might just say we were crazy.  But seeing as it's the only time we could coordinate the three of us today, it worked.

But the frustration that occurred to coordinate such a time - just makes me want to call it quits.  With what, you might ask?  This friendship.

See, when I moved back to H-town in April, I was hurt.  Damaged.  Not myself.  Recently, I've discovered that I really didn't act like myself until just a very few weeks ago.  So for an entire year (almost), I was kind-of in a trance.  I acted differently, said things that normally wouldn't come out of my mouth.  On the outside, I was putting on a show.  But in private, let's just say I was pretty much falling apart.  Literally.  

God provided a friend who understood the hurt and disappointments I was trying to weave myself out of.  And He knew I desperately needed it.  But as I've found healing the last few months, I've discovered how frustrating this friend can be.  If friendships are about give and take, how much am I expected to give before I have nothing else?

Soon after I started to develop a relationship with my friend, she got engaged...and I was so excited for her!  I didn't realize then how hard it is for me to see friends get married.  It's not hard because I also want to be married one day.  That might have been the issue a few years ago.  But I've come to a place of accepting my singleness as a gift.  There's no pressure to "have it all together".  I'm not trying to say that married people have it all together.  But there could be a different expectation of a wife than of a single woman.  So I'll just simply say that I'm grateful for this time in my life to try to figure out how God is supposed to lead me and how to submit to Him well.  That's without the added submission to a husband.  Oh, it seems like I'm digging a hole here.  Sigh.

Moving on...

Engagements.  I've had many friends marry.  And several of them have invited me to stand next to them at the altar to hold them accountable - a true blessing!  But something is different about the way my new friend is acting in her engagement.  It's hard for me to figure out if she is just "like that" or if it's a phase she's passing through.  It's becoming exasperating trying to explain to her that no, he can't come when the three of us girls want to hang out.  It's meant to be girl time.  And no boys allowed!  But to no avail can I get her to understand.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that - is this normal?!  I'm not sure who reads my blog I guess I'm asking an audience who might or might not answer my question.  But, to my married friends, was it especially hard for you to separate yourself from your groom right before you were married?  Or were you able to discern that it was your last little bit of time to be single?  Do you regret anything from your life as an engaged single person?  Anything you would do differently?  Am I being completely unreasonable?

These are things that I've been trying to think through. Thanks for reading and bearing with me.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas is Over

Well, yes, the day is over.  And my sister and her husband left this morning.

And the things I'd planned on doing today?  Haven't happened.

There are a few reasons for my laziness.  First, I wanted to finish the book I had been reading.  So I guess I got that done.

But going swimming?  Going to the grocery store to get supplies for dinner?  Research for my book?  Not done.

After big events, I can't help but dwell on the memories that were created.  And want them to be re-done.  My older sister calls me "sentimental".  I just can't put a logical reason as to why I do these things.  It makes me immensely sad to sit here in my parent's house all alone (except for Molly curled up to my right, sleeping).  I have a really hard time being alone and purposeless these days.

Inevitably, my mind goes to thinking about singleness and how my life would be filled with such joy if I had a significant other to share it with.  My family likes to remind me that this happening would make me happy.

But saying that another person could sustain my happiness is false.  And it's this mindset I've been trying to fight against.  My life is not supposed to be spent waiting for something to happen with a man.  And yes, his presence in my life could create a certain degree of happiness.  But I will not sit around and wait for him.  I have a life - and it's supposed to centered on my Creator.  His presence brings the eternal joy.  Granted, most days I choose not to partake of what Jesus is offering.

The reason I don't grasp onto His grace?  Pride.

Other things have a factor as well, but if I was truly humbled, I would be completely dependent on Him.  I don't want to sit here and be cliche and say it's a new year's resolution.  Because it's more than that.  It's my new life change.  And I'm going to work hard at it.

As for today and my list of not accomplished actions?  I'll start with lunch and go from there...