It's about 61* outside and raining. Gross!
I can't say that I enjoy this weather. Because, honestly, I hate it. When the sun doesn't have to get up and work, why do I? Allright, fine. I'll stop complaining. I actually got up super early today to go walking with friends. And it was good, productive. Getting up at 6 on vacation? I might just say we were crazy. But seeing as it's the only time we could coordinate the three of us today, it worked.
But the frustration that occurred to coordinate such a time - just makes me want to call it quits. With what, you might ask? This friendship.
See, when I moved back to H-town in April, I was hurt. Damaged. Not myself. Recently, I've discovered that I really didn't act like myself until just a very few weeks ago. So for an entire year (almost), I was kind-of in a trance. I acted differently, said things that normally wouldn't come out of my mouth. On the outside, I was putting on a show. But in private, let's just say I was pretty much falling apart. Literally.
God provided a friend who understood the hurt and disappointments I was trying to weave myself out of. And He knew I desperately needed it. But as I've found healing the last few months, I've discovered how frustrating this friend can be. If friendships are about give and take, how much am I expected to give before I have nothing else?
Soon after I started to develop a relationship with my friend, she got engaged...and I was so excited for her! I didn't realize then how hard it is for me to see friends get married. It's not hard because I also want to be married one day. That might have been the issue a few years ago. But I've come to a place of accepting my singleness as a gift. There's no pressure to "have it all together". I'm not trying to say that married people have it all together. But there could be a different expectation of a wife than of a single woman. So I'll just simply say that I'm grateful for this time in my life to try to figure out how God is supposed to lead me and how to submit to Him well. That's without the added submission to a husband. Oh, it seems like I'm digging a hole here. Sigh.
Moving on...
Engagements. I've had many friends marry. And several of them have invited me to stand next to them at the altar to hold them accountable - a true blessing! But something is different about the way my new friend is acting in her engagement. It's hard for me to figure out if she is just "like that" or if it's a phase she's passing through. It's becoming exasperating trying to explain to her that no, he can't come when the three of us girls want to hang out. It's meant to be girl time. And no boys allowed! But to no avail can I get her to understand.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that - is this normal?! I'm not sure who reads my blog anymore...so I guess I'm asking an audience who might or might not answer my question. But, to my married friends, was it especially hard for you to separate yourself from your groom right before you were married? Or were you able to discern that it was your last little bit of time to be single? Do you regret anything from your life as an engaged single person? Anything you would do differently? Am I being completely unreasonable?
These are things that I've been trying to think through. Thanks for reading and bearing with me.
4 years ago
I think the newness of being engaged is just such an exciting and overwhelming experience that you want to be with the only person who really understands...your fiance (the person who is about to make a life changing decision with you). They are the only ones who can relate to each other because no one will really experience their marriage like they will. Living life together, sharing the hurts and the joys...so that might be one reason they are so "attached at the hip". I don't think that you're being crazy, but I also don't know that she is being crazy either. It just may be the growing pains of life shifting (or there just may be a lack of maturity thinking you don't need girl time ;)). The experience of relishing in the new joy of being engaged can sometimes be hard to mix with how friendships and relationships were before. Right now it may be a little drastic because things are new, but your friend will eventually realize how important girl time is and how much she really desires (and NEEDS) it. I have a friend from highschool that I feel the same way about and it was hard for me for a long time because I never got called (I was always the one making the calls) and I was the only one trying to get together on breaks, etc. But after a while, I realized that I would just appreciate how the friendship was. I wasn't her bff anymore, I'm not the one she calls when she has something to talk about, BUT I can appreciate it for what it is, for the times we do see each other. That way you just enjoy what is, instead of getting frustrated and angry about what it isn't.
ReplyDeleteI hope that helps. I don't think you're being unreasonable and I'm sorry you're struggling with this friendship. Continue to find your peace and strength in the Lord and eventually your friend will come around and your friendship will be stronger because of it :)
Love you and miss you!
-Jess
Erin!! I am just now catching up on my google reader and saw your blog post pop up. My heart goes out to you girl!
ReplyDeleteThis will probably be a long answer to your question but here it goes ...
Every year on New Years I try to take some time to spend in reflection, praising God for what He's done, taught me, brought me through, and to try and hold out the future to Him with open hands. On Saturday, while reflecting, I thought about the 6 days we spent with our families "back home" over Christmas, and how sweet a time it was. Now that we dont actually live close, we have to travel and stay with them. And it was great.
After 4.5 years of marraige and 8 years of dating Josh ... I am just now realizing that the time we spend apart gives us even more things to talk about when we are actually together. Do I love spending time with him, yes. However, it has taken time to realize that my girlfriends, while they play a different role in my life, are equally important.
Your blog post also makes me reflect on how I acted when we were first married, how hard it was to put my husband first and not my friends or family, and how hard it was to find a balance. I think your friend Jess is right, engagement is a crazy time and you are stricken with a kind of love blindness. I would just encourage you to keep pursing your friend and to pray for her. It might even help to set aside time to spend with just the girls AND with her and her fiance.
You have such a sweet heart Erin and are a good friend for caring so much about her!!
Praying for you!
Laura