Afraid of Failure

This week was the week of "lightbulb moments".  Seriously.  It was like every day I had an "Ah-Ha!" moment.  And I love these kinds of things.  It's like stepping out of a dream and embracing reality.  Okay, so that might be a stretch, but I still like these moments.  It provides a little more understanding into my life.

Some of these light bulbs were simple - like figuring out some sibling relationships in my young professionals group.  But others were kind of big.  Like why I can't seem to make decisions about future plans.  Or plans here and now.  I know that Jesus says to only look at today.  And I believe that I truly do that.

But there are other factors in life that require us to look a little ways into the future.  And it's these opportunities that I'm afraid of.

I already feel like I've failed before. Like not just a simple fail.  A huge, life-altering fail.  One that caused me to sneak into myself and become extremely hurt, bitter, and angry at God.  For almost a year.  I wasn't myself.  And I'm still seeking to find who God wants me to be through that experience.  I want to bring Him glory with my life - to make much of Him, not to make much of Erin. I'm done being angry.  I'm done trying to make my own plans and asking God to bless them.  It's not how His Plan works.

So how do I proceed and make my life worthy of His Calling? How do I make much of Him while pursuing opportunities that could be interpreted as making much of me?  Only He can really know my heart.  But I want to be clear that I'm not making decisions lightly.  And I can't stop hesitating to make sure my heart is right in these decisions.  That He would be my joy and not my own glory.   I'm working on this.  But it's not just gonna happen overnight.  There's a massive amount of healing that still has to take place.  And learning.  And growing.

Having my "light bulb" moment last night allowed me to understand why I'm hesitating.  I feel like I can't proceed because I've made future plans before and I've failed.  It sounds simple, but it's so deep.  The hurt and disappointment runs through the very core of me.  And I need my community to understand this.  It's critical that they see how much God has brought me through and how He is teaching me to seek Him above all else.   


I am beginning to see the bigger picture of how deep and thorough His love, grace and forgiveness flow.