not exactly a day to repeat...

Something monumental happened this morning while I was in clinic.  I knew that this day would come; I just didn't think it was going to be today.  But isn't that how things go sometimes?

These past 2 weeks, I've been on rotation at a high-risk Ob clinic.  A lot of the patients are diagnosed with diabetes, which is automatically considered high risk for pregnancy.  The risk factors for the babies are not as severe as say malformations, but they like to monitor the baby's weight to make sure the baby doesn't get too big.  So up until this week, I hadn't really experienced any anomalies.  

Because of health care laws, I'm not supposed to really give details on any of our patients in order to protect them.  

With that being said, our first patient for today was in the clinic because she has been diagnosed with a malignant carcinoma.  She was dated to be about half-way through her pregnancy.  But there was no heart beat.

And so I sat there in disbelief, watching the sonographer take measurements to figure out when the demise happened.  

I think I had been in denial that fetal demise occurs.  

So the doctor comes in to tell the patient.  

And I've never experienced anything like that.  

A mother finding out that her baby is no longer alive.  It's heart-wrenching.  Added to the fact that she has malignant cancer. Overwhelming.

Those are about all the thoughts I have about today.  

I think I'll definitely be good if I don't have to see that again for a very long time. 

Love?

Sometimes, I don't do a good job of being mindful of other people's feelings.  

It would be unfair of me to expect others to always be aware of how they are treating others.  

But how does a person who has been hurt approach the person who did the hurting and explain how the situation hurt them?  

The concept seems easy enough.  However, the execution is another story.

Today, I feel like I've been carrying a lot of pain around with me.  It's kind of a huge burden.  And it's reminded me of how much grace I live in every day.

Grace doesn't take away the pain.  It's definitely still there.  

I want to be able to extend grace to several people in my life.  I want to be able to live like Jesus.  Jesus allowed the people he loves to place Him on a cross to die.  

So when does the pain go away?  

Turning the other cheek really does allow for one to put death to self.  

I don't have the right to be treated a certain way.  

Jesus, help me to live out forgiveness without bitterness!

[sorry if this post makes no sense.  just wanted to voice the ache in my heart.]