redemption

i think that the events of the last few weeks have given God the opportunity to really show me how sin has absolutely broken this world apart...and exactly how PAINFUL that reality is. 

however.

there is redemption.  grace. peace. love: not the imperfect-based-on-standards love; the absolutely-love-you-no-matter-what love.

i praise Jesus i'm not doing this alone.

How to be like MJ

1. Moon walk.
2. Wear sparkly clothes.
3. Grab your crotch (a lot).
4. Pop & Lock It everywhere you go.
5. Randomly yell "owww" in a high-pitched voice.

This list was inspired by 'This Is It'.  He's pretty cool.  I'm just saying I wish I could get away with all those things all the time and still be considered a legend or king of something.

messes

when i was in high school, i definitely had things appear to be in order.  it seemed effortless: my class schedule was done for me, i had swim practice right after school each day, wednesday night activities accounted for...it was easy.  but then came college, which was a whole new experience.  you have to be responsible to finish the reading that is considered the "homework", allot a certain amount of time to different extra-curricular activities, even plan out your class schedule every semester.  i made it work...and it didn't seem too hard at the time.

but then, whoa.  i graduated.

[pause for dramatic effect]

currently, i feel like all the organization and time management that i tried so hard to maintain in high school and college has been taken out of the picture.  my life feels like a mess - a giant spaghetti-filled-platter dropped on the floor mess.  ya know the kind where you can't believe that it just happened and then you still find sauce on the cabinets like a month later?  that kind.  my thoughts can't put time into the same context as it once did.  maybe that's what it's like to get older...you just can't think clearly.  [oh crap.  i'm only 22.] 
 
nonetheless, a new thought now:  in ephesians (5:15-17), paul talks about living wisely because the days are evil.  maybe this "phase" (that's what i'm going to call it for right now) is a way for God to really show me how i don't know if i'm going to make it to tomorrow.  quick sidenote: i saw 'this is it' for the second time this afternoon.  once you see a movie for the 2nd or 3rd time, you start to notice really small things.  in the documentary, michael jackson (later referenced as mj) tells his fans that he would see them in july.  he never made it that far.  i'm not trying to be morbid.  i think it's a really valuable lesson to think about.  if my last day was today, did i make the most of it?  every day that i'm miserable at my job, do i make the most of it?  do i live everyday wisely?  do i really understand what the Lord's will is?

i pray that i am DAILY thinking about how to make the most of the moments i have...

update!

Well, I know I'm not good at these things. I had one back in high school, and it seriously just fizzled out. I have a lot of thoughts...and I started this blog to share them; to get them off my chest. So, I'm starting again (even if I never really quit). Here it goes:

10 Current Happenings:

1. 
   
   I have become addicted to listening to Pandora at work.
   
   
   
2. 
   
   Oh yeah, I have a full-time job on campus. It's mostly boring, but I never have to limit my Facebook time. I guess that could be considered a plus...but there will be more to come with this topic later.
   
   
   
3. 
   
   I hate running, but I have started running (again!). Like I ran last night and I really want to do it again tonight. whoop for exercise!
   
   
   
4. 
   
   I have new tv shows that I've started watching (thanks to my roommate Meghan): House, So You Think You Can Dance, Glee, and I guess Gossip Girl because of Tahni...[yay for living with 7 other girls!]
   
   
   
5. 
   
   It's 90% certain I'll be moving to East Asia in June. JUNE. I still can't fathom actually having a date to pick up my life and move over 7000 miles away. dude.
   
   
   
6. 
   
   This "semester" of my life is not quite going the way that I imagined. There's a lot more to share there too, but that's the basis.
   
   
   
7. 
   
   My house (The Shalom Shack) is having the best Halloween party tomorrow night. It's gonna be awesome :)
   
   
   
8. 
   
   Am I really almost 23?
   
   
   
9. 
   
   My roommates think it's funny I'm obsessed with Celine Dion, Michael Jackson and Transformers.
   
   
   
10. 
    
    I can't wait until November 13th.
    
    
    

Well, that's a brief story of my life as it goes right now. As you can tell, work doesn't leave me with much "work". It's mostly just trying to fill in the almost-8-hours that I'm at the office. Someone please save me already?!?

Interestingly enough, however, I found out that two of my co-workers are Muslim today. I've been working here for 6 weeks now...and I had no idea. They goes to the mosque every day at lunch to pray. So, that little fact got me thinking...and then I did some research. I know that other religions (the ones who don't believe in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ) have strict rules to follow because there really is no real meaning of grace in their lives. GRACE: so powerful (and of which I am so undeserving).

Anyway, I looked up times when the 5 prayers are supposed to be prayed. On this same site, there was a list of things not to do while in prayer. [http://www.qibla.org/err.htm] I don't really have words that describe the depth of sorrow I feel for them! And these men are right here in my office. I've been able to share with a different co-worker my experience in East Asia because he is trying to move there once he retires. I am excited and so eager for my office posters (shown at end of post) to arrive in the mail so they can serve to open more conversations. Even though I might feel useless almost all of the time, I still know that I am here for a purpose, if not my own. Father has blessed me with this job - and I am grateful. The last few days have shown me I need to stop whining and just live each day that we are called to. If I'm not here to actually do work most days, maybe at least I can pour into the lives of those around me. How great? A job that lets me do what I love to do? Hmmm. And in the beginning, I doubted College Station was where I was supposed to be. Ha.

The Red Door

Reflections

Great Wall

Framed

cross roads

cross roads: the places where you have to make a decision. which road to choose? which road is right? which road will lead me to place i desire to be? which one will bring me closer to the One who gave me life?

so, then, most importantly: how do you choose? not only which one, but how about the process that gets you to the decision? isn't that part just as important as the road you choose? i decide it is. so now how do i go through this process? how do i decide which item should take priority in my life?

for several months, i knew where "the plan" was leading: go to class, study, pass classes, graduate, move into storage, go to o-week, prepare to leave for EA, GO TO East Asia. and then july 16th brings me here. i know it's now the beginning of august, but july 16th showed up much sooner than i anticipated and more than that, it just came and went. 2 days before, i was here:


i was happy. in one of the best places IN THE WORLD. a place of extreme majesty with beautiful mountains, and one the greatest wonders of the world built by man. so, fast forward 2 days, and i land in houston - thrilled to see my family. but houston? seriously? yeah. i know. it's not quite the great wall. it can't compare, not even in the least.

so begins the process of culture shock. sleeping late, trying to enjoy this freedom before someone tells me it's actually been too long to get over jet lag and secretly still hoping to be 13 hours ahead. reality. present tense. i live in it every day, and whenever i get back from the "East", i never want to transition. okay. right. you're thinking this: why not just live there? exactly. BUT there's more.

rewind. i graduated. amidst everything in the speed of life, college is gone. not really gone. i'll still be there. well, in the same town, but the bliss of having late classes and lots of free time is slowly sinking in as a reality. (don't get me wrong - there are lots of pluses here, too: not having to buy over-priced books and school supplies as well as not having to study. whoop.)

jobs: the necessary evil. i have to pay for rent, gas, insurance, bills, etc.; life and the expenses i accumulate are hitting me. and is this job supposed to be my career? not yet. i'm transitioning for a year - wherever that leads. so yes, i can still have both. work now, move overseas later. BUT there's more.

this last (little?) one i have no control over. but the older i get and the more i pursue Jesus, the more i realize how little control i have. so here, in this context, "control" is a loose term. i believe i said once (and now again) that the more independent i try to become, the more dependent i am on Jesus. to me, it shows my insignificance and the inability i have to make the decisions without being led into them. this is a good thing, though. i would be lost, literally, if i didn't have this dependence. it is my life.

oh right - so this last one. the third road. the one i can't pursue. the one i have to wait and trust that one day, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, it will come true. the love story. yes, Jesus is the ultimate love story. but where's the one he's planned for me? the gift of a man pursuing a woman in the image of Jesus and the church? sigh. not yet, it seems. and yet, at the same time, i feel ready. the next step. i'm looking - and nothing. the words that have appeared here don't even begin to describe the turmoil inside. it's not overwhelming, but it's not disappearing.

the tan i now have on my feet:

the reminder of the steps i took this summer. the number of times i stepped out in faith and trusted that Jesus would take care of what i needed and when i need it. how is life here different? it shouldn't be, a wise friend told me last night. the things i struggle with here are amplified there. i know this. i felt it. and yet, i can't take my clenched fist off this last road. i want it and desire it. but there has to be a point when i let go, right? it's kinda like the tan - it's not completely overwhelming, but it's not going away overnight either.

processes. they can take minutes, but some take years and entire transformations of surroundings to complete themselves. i'm still processing: trying to start working, letting go of the only thing i've known (school!), and the fact i'm not planning an event appropriate for a white dress. dependence while achieving independence. faith when it's hard to believe.

career job?
overseas work?
relationship?

for now, i'll remain at the cross roads.

Mazda Speed 3

i've never been the type of person to get really excited about a car...and then i saw a guy driving THIS car down harvey mitchell parkway, and i fell in love! i'm not this kind of person...but then i guess i just proclaimed that i am. my next car, ladies and gentlemen, is amazing. i'm super-pumped about the MazdaSpeed3. it's the best :)

Jeremiah

Just a couple of thoughts:

Jeremiah 29:11-13 is my life verse right now.

My God is bigger than this economy.

I live for nothing less than serving Him and only Him -- only He suffices.

My life has been ruined for nothing less than living to reach nations for His kingdom.