Update

Don't worry and fret.  I'm doing just fine...just learning some tough lessons.

And the fact that I have 3 stinking tests tomorrow is just added to bounty of overwhelming-ness.

So, I know that I'm being vague, but I just flat out don't have time to dive into the details.

I could write a book about it.  And I might.  I've been encouraged by more than one person to do so.

But that's a whole other ballgame that I would prefer to just leave at that.  For now.  But I'm working on titles...and I'm excited about it.

Anywho,

Enjoy thanksgiving!  I know I'm looking forward to the Ags B(ing)THO t.u.!!!

Not What I Thought...

...and I think I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

I'm not quite sure how I got to this place.

But prayers would be appreciated.

And then we'll see how life goes.

I'm back!

I've been gone for a while.  But, I have many new thoughts and several things that I just have to release.  Since school started back in September, I have stepped back from blogging.  I just couldn't keep up with what was going on in other people's lives.  It was really hard for me to try to organize my own life into neat little posts that were concise and to-the-point.

Let's just be honest.  Life is not concise.  And when is it ever to-the-point?

So there was my defeat.  I seriously just avoided blogging because I didn't fit into the "blogging norm".  But blogging has helped me to realize some pretty important points in the past.  I don't want to lose it.  I just couldn't maintain it.

I've finally reached a point where I want to start sharing some of the things that I experience in school, life, amongst my friends (within reason b/c of confidentiality stuff), family, and my new singles group at church.  Oh yes, and my thoughts.

So this is the beginning.

Walls

this weekend has been a little difficult.  not in like the sense that something terrible happened.  or that any horrific news has come my way.  

but just in the sense of my heavy heart.  it all started when i had to make a decision to attend a "'geriatric skate" event with the singles group at my church.  

i seriously couldn't decide what to do.  

so, in trying to figure out why this decision was so hard, i figured out that i have a few things that have been festering.  

the main issue?  my lack of interest in putting myself out there.  to be vulnerable.

i have effectively built walls around myself.  i'm more content to stay home and read a book than to go hang out with a sweet friend that could be very life-giving.  i just can't seem to bring myself to do these things. 

these walls also make me a lame friend.  i never want to do anything.  and i would rather just be at home.  

unfortunately (or fortunately?), now that i've recognized this monstrous glaring problem in my life, i have to continually work on it and through it.  

i was talking with LS about this decision and her response was something along the lines of, "well, if you don't want to do anything, you're going to be alone.  and then in the next stage of life, you're not going to want to do anything again.  so then you'll be alone.  and essentially, you'll be alone forever."

how true is that?  if i don't build up my community in this new phase in life, i have only the few people that i've been able to keep contact with since moving in april.  

and just how many friends have i made since then?  not counting acquaintances and just including the people i regularly see and talk to outside of church is 2. T-W-O.  now i'm upset with myself.

the realization that i've been lame and become a new member and haven't been active and don't really want to be active now is harsh.  

it was my slap of the weekend.  

and let me tell you, it hit hard.

these walls, they're high.  and they aren't keeping me safe like they were supposed to.  i've hurt myself.  and now i'm upset with myself.  i'm still a mess.   

almost 10 months later, i'm an absolute mess.  and all i wanted was to feel safe.

The College Years

Recently, my younger sister L moved back to CS to resume her position as a college student.

Shortly after she moved back, I realized that this is the first time in FIVE years that I have not had the college student lifestyle.  And it's quite strange.

There are things that I don't miss.  Like having to think about what to make for dinner each week (even though I am asked for input at my parent's house) and having to grocery shop.  I'm super glad it's a joint effort around here.  And having to clean and change my sheets regularly.  I'm quite thankful that my parents invest in a woman who is quite skilled at leaving our home clean and fresh every other week!  I still do my own laundry and ironing, so not much has changed there.

BUT.  There are things that I miss.

Like these faces:

And living with these ladies:

And random moments like this:

And doing silly things like this in foreign places:

And having community with people like this:

And hanging out with her:

And being a part of moments with groups like this:

And crazy nights like these:

Going on roadtrips just to be girls:

Spending Friday nights just cruising around CS for no good reason:

And Having conversations with her:

I've just been thinking lately.  And reminiscing.  And enjoying the time that I've been given with all of these wonderful experiences and people.  Love you!

My Favorite Time of Year

Allright, so today I was rolling through my Google Reader and noticed that several people are talking about the seasons and which ones they love.

At A Country Farmhouse, she mentions how she's loving eating outside during the summer.  Granted, if you live in the right part of the country, I'm sure that would be enjoyable.  But live in Houston...and it's a nightmare.  Mosquitoes, humidity and sweat join you for dinner.  And there's that little (or big!) guest called Mr. Temperature.  He's planning on being over 100 in the next few days.  Although August in Houston is not fun, there are things I enjoy about summer: the smell of freshly cut grass, the smell of tanning oil (it reminds me of the beach!), eating things fresh off the grill (yum!!!), and being able to wear shorts and t-shirts.  Sweating in the heat is not number one...but jumping in a pool is right up there!

At The Cluttered Corner, she talks about fall and how she loves it.  And yes, I can see the appeal: Mr. Temperature decides to take a break, the sweaters get to come out of hiding, and the leaves start to change color (depending on your location!).  Here, in Houston, we kind of skip Fall and go straight into Winter (if that's what you can call it down here).  Things I do love about Fall include the crisp air.  We probably won't get any here until late October, but at least it might be here for a month!  It's also permissible to start listening to Christmas music - which is one of my favorite genres!  My mom refuses to listen to it until after Thanksgiving...which I happen to believe is too little time to enjoy the fullness of all of the great carols and hymns out there.

So far today, I haven't read anyone's post about Winter or Spring...but I'm sure it will come later when it gets closer.  As we start to transition out of summer and into fall (crossing fingers here!), I'm gonna have to say that Summer is my favorite out of the two.  Indeed, it's hot.  And you sweat.  But the days are long and the sun is out for much longer than any time of the year.  To be honest, it's the thing I love the most about Summer.  Or maybe Spring because I feel that Summer is coming...

Anyway.  What season do you enjoy the most?

Literary Update

Maybe I'm trying to get in all the reading-for-fun that I can before school starts again.  I really enjoy reading...and I'm addicted to my Kindle.  The link is actaully for the new generation.  Only a kindle owner for 8 months, and they've moved on to the new generation?  Technology...

While on vacation with my family a week ago, I was trying to finish a book that I had found on Amazon for free. It was possibly the longest book I've ever read.  It took me about 4 months to finish it - and that's reading consistently before bed each night.  But it was written in a different language.  I mean, it was English.  It was just a different form of English.  To Have and To Hold was written by Mary Johnston in 1900.  I've read Jane Austen, and the writing style of Mary is quite different.  Jane can be hard to read if you're not 100% clued into what is happening.  With Mary, you just really have to be willing to follow a language that has long been lost.  Overall, I enjoyed it...I just wish it hadn't taken me so long!  The plot is somewhat long and drawn out.  I think the one aspect I enjoyed the most was that it took place in Colonial America before we had won our Independence from England.  I have become fascinated with this time period!

The next book I started was Charlie St. Cloud by Ben Sherwood.  Now, I only read this book because I discovered that the movie was based off the book.  I was interested - and it was a quick and easy read compared to my previous book.  The next step is to see the movie.  When I find the free time.

Immediately after finishing Charlie, I started A Passion Most Pure, which is set back in the time of WWI.  I'm finding my favorite novels are historical fiction.  This one is also Christian - so it's not like other romance novels out there.  It's very tasteful.  This book is written by Julie Lessman, and is the first in the series of 3 books.  I finished this one this morning...and bought the second one earlier this evening.  The first one was long and involved, but the writing really drew me in and I really didn't want to put it down.  My family will tell you - every evening this week (except for tonight), my nose has been glued to my Kindle.  I just couldn't get enough.  And of course it leads into the second book...so naturally I want to read the next one in line.

Welp, that's the update on my reading adventures.  I also saw Inception twice in one week.  If only that movie was based off a book.  I think I'm getting to the point in my life when I would rather read the books than just watch the stories on the big screen.  The books are seriously always better, but they take more time to enjoy.