...9 months later...

It's been 9 months since I last wrote here.

And I'm not looking at this year in the same light as I once did.

2012 will always be remembered as the year that I fell in love with a great guy and then he broke my heart into a million pieces.  

He was supposed to be "the one".

And now I'm stuck trying to figure out the next move.

Because I can't stay here and heal.

I've been hurt too immensely to fathom stagnant placement.

So I try to heal, in my own way, because nothing in my life could have prepared me for these days.  

The Lord is sovereign. And He alone allowed these events to occur. 

At times, my faith falters. But I'm desperately attempting to grasp for something steady in this turbulent ocean of emotion.

2012

This isn't going to be the post you think it is.

I'm not making resolutions.

I'm just continuing.

      Continuing to pursue God.
      Continuing to strive to follow where He leads.
      Continuing to simplify my life to bring it back to the basics of the Gospel.

And I am expecting big things from 2012.
Because God's faithfulness in 2011 completely blew me away.

A few things that I am anticipating this year:

1. Meeting my precious niece in April!
2. Graduating from my sonography program in May.
3. Finding a full-time job shortly after graduation.
4. Moving out on my own.

As exciting as these things are, it can be sort of overwhelming to look at all the changes happening at once.  

The good news is that this year will happen one day at a time.

And that gives me the ability to daily seek God's face.

For His guidance, His plan, and His glory.  

Bring on 2012!

Decluttering

I have a couple of confessions I'd like to make.

One: I've been really bad about updating. Sorry (but not really!).
Two: My life feels like a complete mess. For Real.
Three: I'm a sentimental pack-rat.

So now you're probably wondering why I chose those three things.

One: Well, a detailed life update just probably isn't going to happen anytime soon.  Recently, I have felt like too much of my life has been on display, and it makes me want to shrivel into a shell again.
Two: I rarely have time to pull myself together.  Busy life schedule, relationships, leading a Bible Study, school, and potential dating opportunities have left me with a panic-y feeling that results in my mind always thinking, always on the alert, and I just flat out don't have time to get organized.
Three: I live at home...in the room I had in high school (which has been over for 6+ years).  While it has been a humongous blessing to be able to 'crash' to pull one area of my life together (my career), I have literally just been living around my old high school things for almost 20 months now.

These things are related, I promise!

Currently, I am on a break from classes and clinic - which normally makes me feel extremely bored and worthless.  For the last 11 months, I have been constantly on the go.  I didn't really get any breaks from studying because during my breaks from school, I was studying for a couple of different standardized tests. Needless to say, I've been busy.

I'm very thankful for this break.  It's a great opportunity to begin the cleaning process for my life.  I'm attempting to declutter.

When I graduate in May, if all works out to plan, I will be looking for a full-time job shortly after, and I will indeed be moving out of my high school bedroom.  It will indeed be the last time I live here in this house (for the second time!).  As a result, my mom has informed me that anything I leave behind is fair game for her to do away with.

EEEEK! This is where the pack-rat in me begins to hyperventilate.

So I've begun to research how to declutter.  And these are my tactics to hopefully finally rid my life of unnecessary objects:

1. Has it been used in the last 6 months? 
2. Could someone else benefit from the use of the object?
3. 3 piles: Donate, Toss, or Keep.  

It's definitely far from perfect, but it's a start.  And since I plan on taking this desk with me, I might just want to start there.  Here goes nothing.

The Eve of MCAT #3

This afternoon, I'm a little overwhelmed.

You see, I took the MCAT #1 in April 2008.
I took MCAT #2 in April 2011.
I'm taking MCAT #3 tomorrow.

After leaving clinic, I sent out a desperate text to some friends.  "I could maybe use some words of encouragement right about now if you have any..." I said.

This summer has been crazy.

I've been in clinic 4 days a week, 32 hours each week, plus about 2 hours commute time each day.
I had a 15-page (16.5 pages!) pathology research paper to research and write.
I had a 15-minute presentation to prepare about above research paper.
I have been working on my Med School essays off and on.
I tried to have at least one "fun activity" a week...for sanity's sake.
And finally, trying to study for MCAT #3.

So one could say I've had my hands full.  I've barely had time to get sleep.  Well, okay, I've slept.  But I've also been dozing while observing in the clinic...they have dark rooms for ultrasounds, okay?

Well, I wanted to share some of the responses I got this afternoon.  Some of them definitely brought tears to my eyes.  Maybe they will encourage someone else too :)

"The Lord always has a better plan in mind than our own, even if we don't see the beauty of it until much later...."

"Sometimes feeling out of control is good, as giving up control to Him in the first place is what's so hard."

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

"Psalm 16:11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

"Habakkuk 3:19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feel like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights."

"Be confident in His calling..."

"Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

I have some awesome friends.  Don't you think so?  I know God has blessed my life beyond belief.

Recently, I've been studying through Philippians with my accountability partner, J.  She and I are studying one chapter a week, making it a point to read the whole chapter every day and journal about God is teaching us through that chapter.  To meditate on His Word.  And to understand it.  Both of us have really enjoyed this study plan.  It's made it a lot easier to apply these lessons because of the repetition.  Didn't get it the first time? Don't worry!  The second time you'll get it.

Anyway, we started on chapter 3 this week.  Paul is writing to the Philippians from prison.  So far, there have been several verses that stuck out to me.

3 "...put no confidence in the flesh..."
7-9 "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith..."

So if Paul can say that all things are rubbish from prison, then this MCAT test is rubbish compared to knowing Christ.  And I'm claiming that fact.  I am more willing to follow where God has been leading if that is where He wants me.  I'm not interested in doing things for the sake of getting recognition.  I'm seeking after God's will here.

So let it be.

Music

Music has had an increasingly important role in the way I worship. Recently, there have been several songs that just speak volumes about the truth that I believe with my whole heart.

I want to share them with you!

First, "To Know Your Name" was stuck in my head all week long.  It's amazing:

I love how the lyrics are the Gospel of Christ.  It's such a humbling reminder of how BIG He is and how small we are.

Second, "You Won't Relent" is addicting:

I love how it talks about how our God is a jealous God - He will continue to pursue us until He has our whole heart, one that is not led astray by idols in this world.

Third, "Lead Me to the Cross":

This one speaks about how life is about remembering what happened at the cross.  Without Jesus' sacrifice there, I would not be who I am.  I would not know my purpose in this life.  I would be lost.  This song serves as a gentle reminder of what the cross means for the transformation that takes place for those who believe in Jesus.

Anyway, this post seems random.  But I'm loving today - being able to sit and listen to my 7 hours of worship playlist and just study. It's a good time to remember my purpose and that the things I am pursuing are not only temporary, but that they are for the cause of the glory of God.  May I always seek to pursue the One who saved my soul!

my restless soul...

...craves adventure.

My best friend Leslie arrived back home today after being in a very foreign country for over a year.  In her return, I am so thankful to be able to give her big hugs and not have to look at a computer screen to see her smile.  I can finally pick up a phone and call her.  And not worry about time differences.  This next month is going to be exciting!

However, in her return, I am reminded of my past returns from foreign countries, and I am consumed by sadness.  Granted, there were trips when I was ready to be home.  I needed the comfort and security that home encompasses.  But in just a few days, I was ready to be on another adventure.  I wanted to continue traveling and see all that the world has.  I don't think I was made to sit still.  In just the last few months, I have discovered that I thrive on being busy...to a fault sometimes.  I know it's not always good to be perpetually busy.  I'm not afraid of sitting still, if that's what you are thinking.  I just like to manage my time well.

So I think my heart is craving an adventure.  And this isn't the first time I've experienced "cabin fever".  I just think it's God cultivating a future plan for my life.  This afternoon when I casually prayed a little prayer that went like, "Father, adventure?" He said, "Wait."

So wait.  It's not a concept that one really desires to hear when "I want to go now!"  But after asking again patiently, the same answer came: "Wait."

I will trust in His timing.  For lots of things - like med school, marriage, and now adventure.  I will have peace because I know His plans are better than mine.  I could not have imagined the growth He has allowed in my life since Leslie left last July.  I was a wreck, for multiple reasons.  That's about the best I can describe it.

And He has brought restoration and healing!  He is to be praised because He saved me from some of my darkest days and He alone is Lord over all.  I am so grateful He brought Leslie back safely.  And I trust that her return to a very foreign country will also be in His hands in just a month's time.  In the meantime, my heart will rest in Him who is Father and deliverer of peace.

Desire

of my heart:

ob/gyn maternal fetal medicine.

i got a flyer about a conference in seattle.  and i really want to go.  but i can't.

i'm writing a paper that has made a HUGE impact on my desire to pursue medicine in this field.

i really want to be a doctor.  so i'll continue to study for MCAT #3.

thankful for this life and all the puzzle pieces beginning to fit together!