Decisions

It's been some time since I've posted about anything serious.  There has been quite the windstorm of thoughts swirling in my head - and I can't even say I've been able to fully express them to anyone.  Not because I didn't want to.  It's the opposite.  I would love for the people who I am closest to understand the complexities that I've been pondering.  It's probably my lack of ability to fully understand these thoughts to be able to speak them aloud. 

In spite of my shortcomings, I'm hoping this post will bring some light to certain situations. 

Doors: things that we walk through all the time.  The ones that allow access to a building, room, car, etc.  But the ones that can also deny the ability to progress through said entryway.  Unfortunately, the doors that I've come across recently are all closed.  Journeyman: closed. Hands On: closed.  The hope of keeping my current job past April: closed. 

So where is the open door?  I have two months left at this job...and I can't  help but think, "What about me?" What kind of job do I look for? Grad School? Profession?

The thing is, I've never really nailed down my "career".  If all was according to MY plan: I would have graduated, moved to China, stayed there 2 years, then come back and attempt seminary.  Almost 9 months after my college graduation, I'm still in College Station.  So we see how well my plans have worked out. 

But that's just it: they shouldn't have been MY plans to begin with.  If I had been approaching the future like I should have been, I wouldn't have been surprised by any of these circumstances.  God would have shown me the correct path...and I wouldn't feel so lost now.  So that leads to direction.  When you're lost, it's definitely helpful to find directions.  Or ask for them.  DING DING DING! Light bulb moment here (well, not exactly right now, but earlier, way before I started posting this)!!

Right.  Asking for directions.  Wait for an answer...with no timetable.  Trusting it's going to be worked out the best way, because I don't really have any other options.  I tried to stay stubborn and angry and upset about all the doors shutting...and here, I can't do it.  It's pretty hard and energy-consuming to stay upset at the Creator of the Universe.  So here's the humility.  Here's knowing I can't definitely do this on my own.  Here's the brokenness that comes when you feel like nothing else could go wrong. 


I was recommended by Jenn to read this book: Brokenness, Surrender, and Holiness by Nancy Leigh Demoss.  According to Jenn, this author is extremely down-to-earth and talks about life in a real way.  None of that sugar-coated stuff.  The nitty gritty down and dirty.  So, now that I'm done reading Dear John (more to come on this disappointment in a later post), I'm going to begin the process of reading through this tough trilogy series.  As I read, my goal is to post about thoughts/feelings/lessons.  Stay tuned...