Music

Music has had an increasingly important role in the way I worship. Recently, there have been several songs that just speak volumes about the truth that I believe with my whole heart.

I want to share them with you!

First, "To Know Your Name" was stuck in my head all week long.  It's amazing:

I love how the lyrics are the Gospel of Christ.  It's such a humbling reminder of how BIG He is and how small we are.

Second, "You Won't Relent" is addicting:

I love how it talks about how our God is a jealous God - He will continue to pursue us until He has our whole heart, one that is not led astray by idols in this world.

Third, "Lead Me to the Cross":

This one speaks about how life is about remembering what happened at the cross.  Without Jesus' sacrifice there, I would not be who I am.  I would not know my purpose in this life.  I would be lost.  This song serves as a gentle reminder of what the cross means for the transformation that takes place for those who believe in Jesus.

Anyway, this post seems random.  But I'm loving today - being able to sit and listen to my 7 hours of worship playlist and just study. It's a good time to remember my purpose and that the things I am pursuing are not only temporary, but that they are for the cause of the glory of God.  May I always seek to pursue the One who saved my soul!

Freedom

That's not the title that I would have originally picked for a post about my MCAT scores.  But I can honestly say that this is the only word that is resonating in my mind.

Freedom.

Freedom from pressure.
Freedom to really follow God's plan.
Freedom to discover God's purpose in my life.
Freedom to see how His plan is going to play out.
Freedom from worry.

All day long (and really for the last month since I took the test), I've been wondering how I would react one way or another.  I decided it wouldn't matter either way.  If the scores were perfect, AWESOME!  But if the other outcome was a reality with scores lower than average, then I know that God was still faithful through the process of studying and preparing for this test.  I know that this process has been me living His Will.

How do I know that?  The proof that I'm not completely devastated with my lower-than-average score of 24O.  I want it to be a testament to how He has carried me through some of the toughest times in my entire life to get me in a place where I will continue to praise Him regardless of outcomes.

So, I have freedom.  I have peace. I have excitement to look forward in fulfillment of whatever God's plans might be for my life.  And I have faith, a stronger faith and belief in the King who gave me life than I've ever had before in my life.

Praise be to Him.  Because let's just be honest, I've done absolutely nothing in my lifetime to be worthy of the blessings He has bestowed upon my life.

I said that I would praise Him regardless of the outcome, and I can think of doing nothing else!

[MCAT scores are on a scale from 0-45, with 30 (my goal) being considered a good score to be accepted into medical school. The letter "O" after the numbers is my writing score.]

Do Not Worry...

we've all heard this verse:

"therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  sufficient for the day is its own trouble." matthew 6:34

so that's basically what my mom told me when i shared my anxieties from yesterday.

i liked her wording as well - "it sounds like you are borrowing tomorrow's troubles...those things are not on the agenda for today.  focus on the task at hand."

WOW.

it was a moment i needed.  it came late in the day - after struggling with desperate thoughts all afternoon.  worrying about the future - which is not mine to worry about.

she brought be back down to where i needed to be. (unfortunately, at that moment, it was organic chemistry.)

so this is an apology for the women who i might have scared yesterday with my "timer" talk.  i do not believe that as women, we are limited to a certain time of having babies.  if it's the Lord's will, He is the only one who can create that little life inside of you.  it is wholly up to Him.  not me.  not this stupid timer that i created.  there is no such timer when you serve a God as big as the one i do.

i'm sorry.  please do research more about high risk pregnancies, because the information is valuable!  if you have questions, i can answer them!  or try to, that is.

please accept this apology.

and please try to remember me in your thoughts/prayers!  the mcat day is soon approaching.

let His Will be done.

Every Day Battle

Spring Break.  I've had one every year since I've been in school - so maybe like close to 20 years now.

And I've always really enjoyed them.  I love getting the respite from classes and schedules to have a retreat.  In college, I used a couple of these breaks to go on missions.  And then I felt I needed another week of break to recover from my chosen plans.  The trips always exhausted me - but I loved them.

However, this year, I feel a profound difference in the break I had last week.

You see, every day of the week, I'm with the same group of 14 people, and then add the faculty and the hospital staff with whom we work.  The majority of these people do not know the saving power of Jesus.  There might be a handful of them who do...but on the whole, I'd say I'm constantly around non-believers.

This particular aspect of my life is completely different from what I've experienced.  In my grade school years, my friends were the ones who were like me.  In college, again, my friends and the people with whom I surrounded myself were pretty much always believers.

When coming back from breaks from school, it was like being able to breathe fresh air again.  I was able to reconnect with my community.  It had never occurred to me to seek out non-believers when I wasn't on a trip for that purpose. I know that I was encouraged to simply talk to the people next to me in order to share the Gospel.  But I knew those people, and they were believers, like me.  I just never had the opportunity, or that's what I told myself.  It's a devastating reality, I know!

Currently, I feel like I come back from breaks more refreshed and ready to tackle the task of representing Jesus to my classmates and fellow employees.  Last week was a retreat from the hardships and frustrations of some of my classmates who, sometimes, just seem to not like me because I'm me.  I've never experienced anything so exhausting and discouraging.

But today, I really felt a renewed sense of purpose when Spring Break stories were shared.  I was saddened by some of the things I heard - mostly turning to alcohol to cope with life.  Oh, Jesus, if they only knew how much better You are at helping cope with life's difficulties!  But I will continue to love these people who were put into my life for a specific reason.  It might become discouraging, and I will become exhausted again.  I've come to expect it.  But I have strong faith that Jesus will help me in those times.

This year, I appreciate Spring Break for the spiritual renewal it allowed in my life.  And I'm excited to see what the next 8 weeks bring!

Love?

Sometimes, I don't do a good job of being mindful of other people's feelings.  

It would be unfair of me to expect others to always be aware of how they are treating others.  

But how does a person who has been hurt approach the person who did the hurting and explain how the situation hurt them?  

The concept seems easy enough.  However, the execution is another story.

Today, I feel like I've been carrying a lot of pain around with me.  It's kind of a huge burden.  And it's reminded me of how much grace I live in every day.

Grace doesn't take away the pain.  It's definitely still there.  

I want to be able to extend grace to several people in my life.  I want to be able to live like Jesus.  Jesus allowed the people he loves to place Him on a cross to die.  

So when does the pain go away?  

Turning the other cheek really does allow for one to put death to self.  

I don't have the right to be treated a certain way.  

Jesus, help me to live out forgiveness without bitterness!

[sorry if this post makes no sense.  just wanted to voice the ache in my heart.]