Afraid of Failure

This week was the week of "lightbulb moments".  Seriously.  It was like every day I had an "Ah-Ha!" moment.  And I love these kinds of things.  It's like stepping out of a dream and embracing reality.  Okay, so that might be a stretch, but I still like these moments.  It provides a little more understanding into my life.

Some of these light bulbs were simple - like figuring out some sibling relationships in my young professionals group.  But others were kind of big.  Like why I can't seem to make decisions about future plans.  Or plans here and now.  I know that Jesus says to only look at today.  And I believe that I truly do that.

But there are other factors in life that require us to look a little ways into the future.  And it's these opportunities that I'm afraid of.

I already feel like I've failed before. Like not just a simple fail.  A huge, life-altering fail.  One that caused me to sneak into myself and become extremely hurt, bitter, and angry at God.  For almost a year.  I wasn't myself.  And I'm still seeking to find who God wants me to be through that experience.  I want to bring Him glory with my life - to make much of Him, not to make much of Erin. I'm done being angry.  I'm done trying to make my own plans and asking God to bless them.  It's not how His Plan works.

So how do I proceed and make my life worthy of His Calling? How do I make much of Him while pursuing opportunities that could be interpreted as making much of me?  Only He can really know my heart.  But I want to be clear that I'm not making decisions lightly.  And I can't stop hesitating to make sure my heart is right in these decisions.  That He would be my joy and not my own glory.   I'm working on this.  But it's not just gonna happen overnight.  There's a massive amount of healing that still has to take place.  And learning.  And growing.

Having my "light bulb" moment last night allowed me to understand why I'm hesitating.  I feel like I can't proceed because I've made future plans before and I've failed.  It sounds simple, but it's so deep.  The hurt and disappointment runs through the very core of me.  And I need my community to understand this.  It's critical that they see how much God has brought me through and how He is teaching me to seek Him above all else.   


I am beginning to see the bigger picture of how deep and thorough His love, grace and forgiveness flow.

"...will you chase me?!"

No, I haven't asked anyone to chase me.  Well, at least not in the last 15-16 years.  Maybe when I was at Northern Hills Elementary School in Oklahoma. 

I love the memories of the recess times.  The girls would chase the boys and then (my favorite part) the boys would chase the girls! 

Oh, the joys of being a child and not having to hide behind formalities. 

Yesterday, after swim practices were done, Mr. President (of the swim team board) was telling me about his youngest child and only girl.  She practices with our 6 & Under age group...so she's young.  And asks the funniest questions.  Every day when we gather to stretch before getting in the pool, she asks me if I'm getting in the pool that day (if I haven't already been in the pool like yesterday).  Then, I reveal that I do indeed have on a swim suit under my clothes and will, in fact, be swimming.  I'm the coach.  I have to swim, right?! 

Anywho...Mr. President told me a story about what happened after yesterday's swim practice.  She went up to Mr. Pres, and asks, "Daddy, do you remember that time you gave me lots of money?"  To which he replied, "Yes, honey."  "Well, will you do that again, because I really liked that..." 

Haha.  Kids say the funniest things some times...

Then she went over to one of our other little (read: tiny) 6 & Under boys and asked him, "Will you chase me?  Because I really like it when you do that..."


How darling is that?!  I laughed about it, and told Mr. President that I understood exactly what she felt.  I did the same thing when I was her age.  And loved doing so. 

The desires of a woman's heart are so transparent at that young age.  She wants to feel desired...and if being chased does that, then by golly, she wants to be chased! 

In the book Captivating, I know the authors talk about this phenomenon.  If my copy of the book wasn't in storage, I would have pulled it out to get the exact text...but since it is in storage and I'm not about to go digging through boxes in my hour of free time a day, the summary will have to do. 

For girls, we want to feel like we are worth fighting for, worth being chased after, and ultimately, being won, or told we are captivating enough to win the battle for.  For boys, they want something to fight for.  Something for which to win the heart, to feel as though they deserve it.  It's awesome how God designed us so well.  It fits together like an innate puzzle.  And it's perfect. 

And I love how Mr. President's daughter already sees her need (I mean, not exactly, but almost)...and it's become my prayer that one day, she will find the one who is ultimately pursuing her heart and has already saved her and won the battle.  That's my prayer.  I want this little girl to know Jesus! 
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Being away from swim team for 2 years has really opened my eyes to way kids work.  It's like everything is new again (because it is!).  But I'm definitely learning a lot about how to talk to them and teach them effectively and seek them where they are at.  I want to be a positive role in their life, someone they can come to and talk to about anything.  I might not be going to China anytime soon, but I'm seeing huge ministry opportunities where God has placed me. 

And for now, I guess that's all I ask.