The Eve of MCAT #3

This afternoon, I'm a little overwhelmed.

You see, I took the MCAT #1 in April 2008.
I took MCAT #2 in April 2011.
I'm taking MCAT #3 tomorrow.

After leaving clinic, I sent out a desperate text to some friends.  "I could maybe use some words of encouragement right about now if you have any..." I said.

This summer has been crazy.

I've been in clinic 4 days a week, 32 hours each week, plus about 2 hours commute time each day.
I had a 15-page (16.5 pages!) pathology research paper to research and write.
I had a 15-minute presentation to prepare about above research paper.
I have been working on my Med School essays off and on.
I tried to have at least one "fun activity" a week...for sanity's sake.
And finally, trying to study for MCAT #3.

So one could say I've had my hands full.  I've barely had time to get sleep.  Well, okay, I've slept.  But I've also been dozing while observing in the clinic...they have dark rooms for ultrasounds, okay?

Well, I wanted to share some of the responses I got this afternoon.  Some of them definitely brought tears to my eyes.  Maybe they will encourage someone else too :)

"The Lord always has a better plan in mind than our own, even if we don't see the beauty of it until much later...."

"Sometimes feeling out of control is good, as giving up control to Him in the first place is what's so hard."

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

"Psalm 16:11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

"Habakkuk 3:19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feel like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights."

"Be confident in His calling..."

"Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

I have some awesome friends.  Don't you think so?  I know God has blessed my life beyond belief.

Recently, I've been studying through Philippians with my accountability partner, J.  She and I are studying one chapter a week, making it a point to read the whole chapter every day and journal about God is teaching us through that chapter.  To meditate on His Word.  And to understand it.  Both of us have really enjoyed this study plan.  It's made it a lot easier to apply these lessons because of the repetition.  Didn't get it the first time? Don't worry!  The second time you'll get it.

Anyway, we started on chapter 3 this week.  Paul is writing to the Philippians from prison.  So far, there have been several verses that stuck out to me.

3 "...put no confidence in the flesh..."
7-9 "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith..."

So if Paul can say that all things are rubbish from prison, then this MCAT test is rubbish compared to knowing Christ.  And I'm claiming that fact.  I am more willing to follow where God has been leading if that is where He wants me.  I'm not interested in doing things for the sake of getting recognition.  I'm seeking after God's will here.

So let it be.

Desire

of my heart:

ob/gyn maternal fetal medicine.

i got a flyer about a conference in seattle.  and i really want to go.  but i can't.

i'm writing a paper that has made a HUGE impact on my desire to pursue medicine in this field.

i really want to be a doctor.  so i'll continue to study for MCAT #3.

thankful for this life and all the puzzle pieces beginning to fit together!

Freedom

That's not the title that I would have originally picked for a post about my MCAT scores.  But I can honestly say that this is the only word that is resonating in my mind.

Freedom.

Freedom from pressure.
Freedom to really follow God's plan.
Freedom to discover God's purpose in my life.
Freedom to see how His plan is going to play out.
Freedom from worry.

All day long (and really for the last month since I took the test), I've been wondering how I would react one way or another.  I decided it wouldn't matter either way.  If the scores were perfect, AWESOME!  But if the other outcome was a reality with scores lower than average, then I know that God was still faithful through the process of studying and preparing for this test.  I know that this process has been me living His Will.

How do I know that?  The proof that I'm not completely devastated with my lower-than-average score of 24O.  I want it to be a testament to how He has carried me through some of the toughest times in my entire life to get me in a place where I will continue to praise Him regardless of outcomes.

So, I have freedom.  I have peace. I have excitement to look forward in fulfillment of whatever God's plans might be for my life.  And I have faith, a stronger faith and belief in the King who gave me life than I've ever had before in my life.

Praise be to Him.  Because let's just be honest, I've done absolutely nothing in my lifetime to be worthy of the blessings He has bestowed upon my life.

I said that I would praise Him regardless of the outcome, and I can think of doing nothing else!

[MCAT scores are on a scale from 0-45, with 30 (my goal) being considered a good score to be accepted into medical school. The letter "O" after the numbers is my writing score.]

Your Hand

On Wednesday, I wrote this in my journal:

"If You had told me a year ago that I would be applying to continue my education in medical school, I might have thought You were crazy.  I would have laughed.

But I look back on my journey and I see YOU.  I see your hand all over the journey - in the disappointment, the hurt, the rejection.  I experienced it so that I could get here.  So that I would have this sweet fellowship and not take the life you've given me for granted.  My eyes have been opened to where you have led me and from where I came."

However, today...I'm not quite feeling the same.

After taking MCAT practice test #4, I feel highly discouraged.  My scores have only improved a total of about 8 points since I've started studying.  In this moment, I'm struggling to accept the assurance I had just a few days ago.

Am I wrong about the path I'm supposed to be on?