First Meet

It's hard to put into words the mix of emotions that have transpired over the course of the day.

It started at 5:30 this morning when I got out of bed.  I was nervous.

I arrived home after 2 pm this afternoon with my lunch from Chic-Fil-A in hand.  I was defeated.

In those 8 and a half hours, lots of different things happened.  But mostly, when I arrived home this afternoon, I felt like collapsing, bawling my eyes out, and then sleeping the rest of the day.  As a wrote earlier, I was defeated.

And then I took a 3 hour nap.

To any who has never been a swim coach, it would probably be hard to understand.  I've had that conversation with another swim coach recently.  Until you actually live in my shoes and see the way things work from this side, it's just hard to understand.  Even as a swimmer, I never understood why my coaches did certain things until I became a coach.  And then everything started to be clearer.

Here's to hoping this week at practice is productive and worthwhile.  I just don't know how many more "todays" I can take.

"...will you chase me?!"

No, I haven't asked anyone to chase me.  Well, at least not in the last 15-16 years.  Maybe when I was at Northern Hills Elementary School in Oklahoma. 

I love the memories of the recess times.  The girls would chase the boys and then (my favorite part) the boys would chase the girls! 

Oh, the joys of being a child and not having to hide behind formalities. 

Yesterday, after swim practices were done, Mr. President (of the swim team board) was telling me about his youngest child and only girl.  She practices with our 6 & Under age group...so she's young.  And asks the funniest questions.  Every day when we gather to stretch before getting in the pool, she asks me if I'm getting in the pool that day (if I haven't already been in the pool like yesterday).  Then, I reveal that I do indeed have on a swim suit under my clothes and will, in fact, be swimming.  I'm the coach.  I have to swim, right?! 

Anywho...Mr. President told me a story about what happened after yesterday's swim practice.  She went up to Mr. Pres, and asks, "Daddy, do you remember that time you gave me lots of money?"  To which he replied, "Yes, honey."  "Well, will you do that again, because I really liked that..." 

Haha.  Kids say the funniest things some times...

Then she went over to one of our other little (read: tiny) 6 & Under boys and asked him, "Will you chase me?  Because I really like it when you do that..."


How darling is that?!  I laughed about it, and told Mr. President that I understood exactly what she felt.  I did the same thing when I was her age.  And loved doing so. 

The desires of a woman's heart are so transparent at that young age.  She wants to feel desired...and if being chased does that, then by golly, she wants to be chased! 

In the book Captivating, I know the authors talk about this phenomenon.  If my copy of the book wasn't in storage, I would have pulled it out to get the exact text...but since it is in storage and I'm not about to go digging through boxes in my hour of free time a day, the summary will have to do. 

For girls, we want to feel like we are worth fighting for, worth being chased after, and ultimately, being won, or told we are captivating enough to win the battle for.  For boys, they want something to fight for.  Something for which to win the heart, to feel as though they deserve it.  It's awesome how God designed us so well.  It fits together like an innate puzzle.  And it's perfect. 

And I love how Mr. President's daughter already sees her need (I mean, not exactly, but almost)...and it's become my prayer that one day, she will find the one who is ultimately pursuing her heart and has already saved her and won the battle.  That's my prayer.  I want this little girl to know Jesus! 
_____________________________________

Being away from swim team for 2 years has really opened my eyes to way kids work.  It's like everything is new again (because it is!).  But I'm definitely learning a lot about how to talk to them and teach them effectively and seek them where they are at.  I want to be a positive role in their life, someone they can come to and talk to about anything.  I might not be going to China anytime soon, but I'm seeing huge ministry opportunities where God has placed me. 

And for now, I guess that's all I ask.

Meet Cynthia*

There's a lot to catch up on when you move around and travel and start new things all in the same week.  This is going to be a hodge-podge of things that have happened/I've been thinking about/I've felt since Monday.

Why Monday?

Well, Monday was my official move-out day.  I had been working on packing up all of my stuff in the Shalom Shack for a few weeks, and really, the time flew by.  For those who might be moving soon, I found that trying to do a box or two a day is much easier than waiting until the day before the move to start packing.  Just a little friendly word of advice :) 

Anywho.  Moving.  I graduated a year ago, and yes, I moved out of the apartment that I had lived in for 2 years.  But I never really experienced the emotional part of moving.  I knew that I would be back that fall.  So moving wasn't that big of a deal. 

This time, however, is way more difficult.  You see, I'm not going to be moving back to College Station.  And after the movers had everything that belonged to me moved out of my bedroom the living room and kitchen, there was a hole gaping in my heart.  The living room looked so empty and forlorn (missing a couch and a table).  I tried not to imagine my roommates coming home from work later that day and finding it so...so...barren. 

When I pulled out of the driveway for the last time (because I no longer own a key), it was almost too much to handle.  I fought tears for the next 20 minutes, all the way to Navasota.  How in the world was I supposed to start swim practice that day when I was a mess like this?!  I had to pull it together. 

But really, I never would have imagined the amount of sadness I experienced.  Never.  I don't know if it's like that for all of the people who leave their college town.  It's the place you grow the most and figure out who are you, who your friends are, and where you want to go with life.  It's hard to leave.

We get to Spring about an hour and a half later, the movers unload the moving truck into my snazzy new storage unit, complete with climate control, and that's it.  We're done by 12:15.  And I'm in a funk.  Practice starts in less than 4 hours.  I'm starving.  I'm feeling torn open (on the inside).  And my assistant coach is gone until Wednesday. 

I was just a tad overwhelmed.  Maybe I'll try to plan these things better next time.  I mean, I've just recently been able to connect with  my emotions again.  And let me tell ya, they're some strong ones these days. 

My dad helps me to unload my car with some of the necessities I needed until the move, I eat lunch, and collapse on my bed while my dad goes to work.  Around 3, I rouse myself to get ready for my first practice as a head coach.  Whoa.  I'm nervous...go away butterflies!

I'm the first one at the pool.  And I don't start freaking out until 17 6&unders show up.  That's about a 1/3 of the size of our team.  17.  I've never dealt with that many small kids at once!  Lord, now's the time for you to show me what patience and creativity look like.  By the time the older kids show up, I'm already emotionally exhausted, and seriously can't really take anymore.  But, thank goodness that the older ones are more self-sufficient. 

All in all, I felt like a failure.  I had assured the board that I would be able to handle this!  If only I knew that this enormous number of 6&unders seriously terrified me.  FAILURE.  awesome.

Tuesday started roughly...at 5:00 am!  That's the time my alarm is set for every day this week and next.  I snooze for 30 minutes, get up, shower, pull together my lunch, and then head out by 6:30 am to head to College Station for 4 hours of work.  By noon, I'm on my way back to Spring. 

Basically, what this amounts to is a lot of time to think about my time as a failure coach.  Positive, yes?  Actually, it gave me alot of time to talk to Father. 

"Okay, Lord, you clearly provided this job.  You were the one to make it evident this is where I'm supposed to be.  How come I don't see you?  I don't see your hand in this situation.  Please show me why you put me as a coach for this team."

When I'm weak, He's strong.  He provided 4 more 6&unders yesterday!  And two more-than-willing helpers.  Okay, so Tuesday was a little better.  And the 11&ups were in pain after their drylands.  Success!  I did my job well. 

My realization from the last two days?  Don't shut down, stay positive, supply encouragement, and seek out help.  I don't have to do this alone.  21 youngsters is a lot. to. handle.  Try it someday - it's not easy.  I definitely have a new-found respect for my Aunt, who teaches kindergarten.  No one could pay me enough to do that day after day, year after year. 

So I've discovered that my gifts do not include interacting with small children.  God definitely uses opportunities to show us how He wants to use us one day, right?  Yes.  I repeat: STRONG YES! 

Today is Wednesday, and I'm sitting at my desk in College Station, sore from practice.  And I'm growing in several areas.  My leadership skills are improving.  I'm finding out it's good to delegate and communicate effectively.  And it's okay to say I'm overwhelmed.  I'll eventually get the hang of it. 

At this point, you might be wondering, "Who's Cynthia?"  She's a junior in high school, attending the school "where the bad kids go".  She's also dedicated and from what I can tell, willing to learn from me.  So, she's the answer to my prayer (Where is your hand, Lord?)...

After talking to her for just a few minutes while waiting for her dad to pick her up, I had an immense peace about the whole situation.  Before that?  Butterflies.  But for some reason, I just know it's all going to work out. 

God gave me this job.  And learning how to lead is difficult to say the least.  I've gotten good at following.  But I'm being pushed and He's growing me.  It's comforting to know that I'm not doing this alone. 

Moving on...

Today marks my last full day as a resident in College Station, Texas.  Over the last 5 years, there have been quite a few different experiences and memories created.  Here's my collection of pictures to show for it:

Freshman year:

I went to Fish Camp (and Impact).

I was the only one to witness my older sister's ring day.

I went on a few road trips.

I went on a blind date to the BQ Ball.

I turned 19.

I went to the HLSR to see Pat Green.

Sophomore Year:

I was an Impact counselor.

I went to the BQ Ball (not on a blind date).

I turned 20.

I became an Impact Co-Chair.

I went to NYC.

Junior Year:

I went to Impact for the last time.

I was an Upstream leader.

I went to China for the first time.

I got my Aggie Ring.

I found my best friend.

I went to China for the second time.

Senior Year:

I went to midnight yell for the last time as a student.

I stood next to one of my best friends as she married her very best friend.

I turned 22 and got whipped cream smeared on my face.

I went to a dance for my Aggie Ring.

I walked across a stage and claimed my very own really expensive piece of paper!  Thanks mom and dad!

After Graduation:

I went to China for the 3rd time, this time for 6 weeks.

Had some amazing roommates.

I turned 23.

I interviewed and got my first real-deal full-time job.

So there ya have it.  The last 5 years.  The years where I discovered great people. The years where I discovered my passions and desires.  The time when I became a person with a degree that might actually mean something one day.

The days that taught me what life is really about: the Gospel, community, and good coffee.  I'm just saying that this time has made me who I am.  It's a bitter-sweet "See ya later" to College Station. 

{Hello, unknown...}

Part 10: The End (or is it?)

This is the final part of my Germany Chronicles series.  Click the link above to read the first 9 parts.

My heart couldn't be ripped out many more times and still survive intact.

___________________________________________

After Matthias left for Germany, I knew that things were different between us. We had conversed about more waiting, something I wasn't really that willing to participate in. He didn't seem to worry about the massive amount of time it took communicate, albeit, we had decided to start talking more through emails because of my episode in February. And I felt like I had already told him the most important piece of information.

Early in this series, I mentioned in a fleeting comment about how impatient I can be. This situation is the ideal example of how much I didn't want to wait for the Lord to lead us together, if it was His will. I wanted a commitment; I wanted more than what I was offered.
So I started to pursue the option of dating Thomas. By the end of the summer, it was clear that I liked him and he liked me. After school started, things continued. We talked on AIM quite a bit (old school, right?!) and things seemed to be taking off in the relationship direction. But I still hadn't settled the situation with Matthias. I had no idea how he felt about me still. Becuase of his lack of urgency, I couldn't be sure that he felt even close to the admiration I felt for him.

By the end of August in 2004, I was certain of my decision to end it. "It" being a relative term, because we didn't have anything official. In an email, I told Matthias I wanted to send him a letter, so I needed his new stateside address.

I proceeded to write my version of a "Dear John" letter. I told him about Thomas and how I felt like things were going to work out and consequently, felt held back by our relationship. I explained how I had started to experience my feelings change earlier that year when I had been forced to break my own heart.

In my head, it seemed like it would have been easier to make a clean break than to continue this non-relationship-type friendship. Just let me tell you, it's almost impossible for guys and girls to be good friends without one or the other having feelings for the other. That topic will have to be another entirely different blog post in and of itself.

Before he actually received The Letter, he wrote, "To be honest I'm afraid it could be something bad, but I'll see..."

I felt horrible.  He already had a feeling of impending doom...

Nonetheless, I sent the letter several months later and he documented the actual delivery in an email to me. It also gave him a chance to express his feelings about the entire situation.

He wasn't surprised. He actually had been expecting it because we hadn't talked for a couple of months. He felt the same way as I did. Our relationship had lost its validity when we decided to wait. Overall, even though he seemed to accept everything that I had said well, he still seemed hurt. We had a lot of history, and I was still having serious doubts that it could be over. I had given him my heart. And then I took it back.

It was easier for me to move on from him with Thomas in the picture. 8 months later, I would question my decision to finalize the end with Matthias. I've been questioning it ever since.
_______________________________________

It's been almost 7 years since I first met Matthias that fateful summer in Germany. 6 years since we ended it. 5 years since I've emailed with him (just to catch up, randomly). 3 years since I found him on the German facebook site. 2 years since he found the real facebook, and we became "friends" again.

Looking back through all of these memories and diving back into old letters and emails has shown me one thing: a heart can't really forget it's first love. I still wonder what could have happened had I been willing to be patient and wait out the time apart. He had been considering moving to Houston to attend school there in order to be closer to me. We had talked about future plans...and mutually, we had agreed that during the time we communicated, the other person was equally important to be in the other's life.

In the present, would he still feel the same way? Or, because I have been single since high school, am I just trying to hold on to the past and not move forward? If we were to meet randomly, what would we say to each other?

Why can't I let go? Since I started doing this series, I've been asking myself what the point was...beyond writing about my own "Dear John" experience. The point? I'm not finished. I let go some time ago. But I'm not done with the story.

[This part might only make sense to Twilight readers: When I read the Twilight series about a year and a half ago, I could never imagine Robert Pattinson's face as Edward. It didn't fit right for me. I had seen the movie first, so it should have been easy for his face to magically make its way into the action in my head. But not really. Matthias' face was my Edward. It definitely took me a while to figure out why I couldn't see Robert, but once I saw that Matthias just fit, it was no going back. All vampire qualities aside, Matthias is my "Edward" subconsciously.]

When I finished Dear John, I was so mad at the characters. She had moved on, and was happy, yes, but always wondered about what could have happened with John. It frustrates me to know that this will always be my reality, not just a fictional story. I guess I will always wonder what could have happened and what might have been. If given another chance, and knowing what I know now, things might look a whole lot different.

But there's really no reason to think about what might have been or what could have happened. If things had worked out with Matthias, there's a good chance I wouldn't have come to the greatest college of all time.  I wouldn't have had some of the best roommates on the planet.  I wouldn't have met my absolute best friend of all time. I wouldn't have been able to experience my love affair with Chinese people. I wouldn't be who I am, who God planned for me to be. So, no, I don't regret anything.

But I will always love him, whether he knows it or not.

Part 7: The Letters

*this is a continuation of my Germany Chronicles series, and you should check out the first 6 parts before reading below!

I finally found the folder I needed to finish this journey...

And that year, we would write...

______________________________________________________________________

For the group of Texans that went to Germany that summer, our trip was scheduled from July 1st through the 12th.  From what I remember on the night we got back (it was the 13th because of time changes), all I did was sit on my bed with the Downhere cd on repeat in my room.  I was in a daze...and my emotions had not completely caught up with me.  About 2 days earlier, I had been with Matthias physically.  That was before I had to leave him.  And it was before our tragic flight home.  

This daze...it was for multiple reasons.  I couldn't seriously believe that the trip was already over.  Was it even real?  I'm sure I must have pinched myself several times.  I wasn't dreaming, right?

Over the next few weeks, several things would be a comfort to me as I tried to get back to my "normal" life.  Whatever that was.  

First of all, my pictures.  After taking the disposable cameras to Walgreens to be developed and actually having to go back to pick the prints up, these objects proved that what happened was, in fact, real.  Second, my music.  Three cds remind me of my journey: Josh Groban's Closer, Warren Barfield's self-titled album, and Downhere's self-titled album.  Thirdly, my stomach could not seem to forget Matthias' touch.  This last one might be silly.  But I was 16...and seriously inexperienced with any kind of contact with the opposite gender.  So, my mind wouldn't really let go of this one.  Fourthly (but it's really first), I had recieved an email on the 10th of July - 2 days before I had even gotten back - from Matthias.  *heart, be still*

I no longer have a digital copy of this first email...but I did print off a copy the night I received it.

It is on this copy I have made my own notes to point out the highlights of what he wrote.  Some of these things went like this:

"I tried so hard to divert myself, but I just can't stop thinking of you..."

"My hands are still shaking as I write this and I think I never felt like this before.  What did you do to me?"  (I probably giggled when I first read that one.)

"I really wished we would have had more time together alone." (he added the bold)

"When you asked me what I wanted from the states, do you know what came to my mind first?  You.  I just didn't dare tell you that then."  (At one point during the trip, I strategically asked him what he might want from the states...and his hesitation was enough to answer the question until I saw this email...)

See?  Now maybe it might make more sense as to why I printed it out...reading it once was simply not enough.

Over the next few months, we wrote back and forth using email and snail mail.  The average time for a real piece of mail to get from one address to the other was about 9 days.  

We wrote of "I miss you" and "I miss you too".  We wrote of vacations.  We spent time talking about what we could officially define our relationship as.  He wrote a lot about how he doesn't write a lot, but that didn't mean he doesn't care.  He just can't think of what to say.  

By August, I was sure I was in love.  Head-over-heals-I'll-move-to-Germany-for-you love.

I had to be careful of who I expressed this fact to.  And to be honest, I can't think of a single person I actually told.  I was afraid people would tell me I was crazy.  I didn't want to hear the things I had heard up until that point: "guard your heart", "it's just not logical", "the age difference is too much", "he lives too far away".

Those conversations went against everything I felt.  Okay, maybe the whole situation wasn't logical.  But really, how can I just tell my heart to stop beating?  It wasn't going to change anything.  

Regardless of how my heart felt, I was quite reserved in my emails and letters.  I spoke with him about how we needed to slow things down - I'm only 16!  And I still 2 more years of high school.  This can't be good to go so fast when we are so far away.  Writing to each other in the way that we had been was quite dangerous.

"I miss you so bad and I feel like you were gone for a year already" (I had been gone a total of 20 days)

"...but you know you can take this as another proof of your beauty and kindness..."

"I'm really missing you badly and praying for you and that God may lead our ways together if it's his will..."

"I can't wait to see you again..."

A few months into it, he mentioned me coming to visit over Christmas and New Year's.  Whoa.  If I had been 23, there would maybe be no question if I could go.  But I was 16, and was sure my parents would deny me the opportunity.  I mentioned it in passing...but I don't think I was actually taken seriously by them.

November approached...our shared birthday month.  I can't remember what I sent him as a present.  But I think I was excited about it because he definitely wrote about how he was excited to receive it...because I had talked about it so much.  

My birthday was about 20 days after his, and I honestly didn't expect anything.  I would have been happy with just a letter telling me happy birthday.  

As it turns out, I did get a letter...

And a piece of his past.

This shows his old drum (the one I now possess) and his new one.

It did indeed arrive broken.  But I don't know how to play the drums, and this gift was better than anything else he could have given me.  It still sits in my room and I will never get rid of it.  When I actually grow up and officially move out of my parent's house, then I will take it with me.  

With his gift, he also sent pictures with great explanations on the backs.

...sorry for the blur...

On my actual birthday, after arriving home from swim practice, the phone rings...one of my parents answers the phone (like usual) and then subsequently calls out my name for me to get it.  At this point, I can't think of any person who could be calling me.

I answer. "Hello?"

"Hello, Erin..." 

My heart starts pounding.  It can't be.  No way.  I'm dreaming.  I can't stand up anymore.  Where 's the chair...oh, there it is.  Sit.  BREATHE.  

"Hi...I can't believe it's you..."

He called. On my 17th birthday.  To wish me a happy birthday.  And almost gave me a heart attack in the process.  

It was so fabulous to hear his voice again - the smooth richness of it, his accent - and it seriously felt right.

I don't remember the conversation from that night.  But I remember hanging up feeling as if I was never going to fall asleep again.  

And that night, once I fell asleep, I probably most definitely dreamt of him and his voice.

It's officially official...

Just moments ago, I accepted a head coaching position for a summer league swim team in Spring, a suburb of Houston. 

*SIGH OF RELIEF*

This decision is based off of the hope that I have in Jesus to provide different opportunities in the various seasons of life.  I know that this is His provision for right now.  The circumstances could not have happened in a more perfect way. 

About 3-4 weeks ago, my mom had mentioned that I should look for a coaching job for the time after my time at TTI is over.  It's temporary, but it's definitely something as opposed to the nothing that I had at the time.  Last week, I finally took the time to research the possibility of coaching after my previous boss and head coach informed me that she had her assistants from last year coming back for this season.  I researched...and there were a few options.  I chose one pretty much randomly, and emailed the team contact. 

We emailed back and forth a few times before I discovered they were only looking for assistant coaches.  It's not a bad thing to be an assistant - I've done it 4 times, with great experiences 3 out of the 4 times.  However, I kind of felt like I needed to look for something more. 

----Last weekend passes on by--->

I get an email on Monday morning saying that this team I had contacted no longer had a head coach.  Something had happened...and they wanted to interview ME. 

Um.
Gosh.
Crazy.
YES! 

I agree to meet with some of the board members this past Tuesday when I was in Houston for various reasons, and it went well.  I believe that I can work with them and communicate things that will need to get done.  Overall, I thought it was a great fit.  Then they said they would let me know by Thursday. 

Wednesday rolls around, I get up, go downtown to meet with my dad's boss about life, circumstances, and resume building.  There is still a potential opportunity...but I'm not going to talk about it just yet.  We'll have to wait to see what happens there.  I get to have lunch with my mom :) and on my way home, I get a phone call from the swim team.  It's Wednesday, not Thursday, and I thought I would get more time!  I tell them I can't quite make my decision yet - so he says he will call back on Friday (ahem, that's today).

After hanging up, I become really overwhelmed...and can't control the tears as they roll down my face for about 30 minutes.  I don't ever cry.  I felt broken. Lost. Overwhelmed.  Why is life so stinking hard? 

But now you're probably thinking this situation doesn't make sense.  This team is a good fit - and it's perfect.  Well, it's just more complicated.  I had to let go of my insecurities in my ability to do this job well.  I had to resign to the Lord that I KNEW He would take care of me through this whole ordeal.  I don't have a clue what I'll be doing after the end of June, when the season is over.  It's really just not something that I can worry about. 

Take a day at a time. 

So, after spending a lot of yesterday thinking, and praying, and spending time praying some more, I felt peace (and excitement) about the coaching job. 

When the team representative called a few minutes ago, I had butterflies in the tummy.  Now, I'm grateful to God that I even have this opportuity to share my passion of swimming with these little kiddos.  It's going to be a lot of fun. 

There ya have it.  I'm moving back to Houston sometime before April 17th.  There's a lot to be done before then...and I'll be sure to keep my piece of the web updated. 

Thanks for sharing in my excitement!
ED

All roads point to...

This week, as mentioned in the previous post, I am spending some time in Houston.  Right now, I can't disclose any details about what has happened exactly (there was an impromptu interview and other important things).

I can, however, say that I desperately need your prayer!  Honestly, at every other point in my life, I have never felt so broken and lost.  As I was resting after a crazy 24 hours of dental appointments, job interviews and other important critical meetings...the song "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road came on the radio downstairs. I love the melody.  But, it's really the lyrics that speak to me on this afternoon of critical decisions. Here are the lyrics:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

So, as I seek the Lord for what He might have my "next step" be...I am asking that you, my friends and family, to seek Him on my behalf.  If you could ask Him for clarity, discernment, and Godly wisdom, that would be so life-giving and support my heart as I travel through this narrow road.

I appreciate each of you and your contribution into my life.  Thanks for offering your prayers.

What Gives You Life?

In my shared mentoring relationship with Meghan, we are reading through, discussing and implementing the book The List by Marion Jordan.  Our first assignment for the process of implementing the concepts discussed in the book was to create "our list" of things that give us life.  You know, the things that get us excited and want to jump up and down.  They could be little, big, somewhere in between, and ultimately, they are different for each person. 

The exact assignment was this: make a list this week of your strengths…spiritual gifts, talents, things that come easily to you.  Easy enough, right? 

WRONG. 

For this girl, I had two whole weeks (remember that snow day?!) to think about, plan, and finally write down my list.  The problem was that I would think about it plenty, start to plan it, and then stop.  What was the matter?  This should be fun. 

I could not, for the life of me, come up with my strengths.  Things that come easily?  Beats me.  That's a good question. 

Sometimes, it's funny how things work out and God has a plan, even when we can't see it (my entire life, right now).  Tuesday night, Dayna (our mentor) had a 4H event for one of her daughters...and her expected arrival time was 8:30 pm.  Meghan and I show up at 8:30, and the house is dark.  So we start talking about different things.  I had been honest about my difficulty in creating "my list" from the beginning, so Meghan started asking some intentional questions.  Those thirty minutes while waiting for Dayna were just what I needed. 

So, now you're wondering...what's on my list?  This list is not completed.  It's a process to really figure out the different things that give life for me.  It's a challenge, mostly, because I've figured out in the recent years that I'm an external processor.  But, without any further hesitation, here is my list to date:

1. Lattes: the ones that aren't overly sweet.  I really want the espresso to shine through.  It's a must. 
2. Chocolate.  Some days, it just lifts me up a little.
3. Cooking. As I've gotten older, I have enjoyed this part of my life more and more.  I really like trying new things and learning in the process.  This one is multi-functional.  Not only just cooking for myself, but I really like cooking for other people.  If I had a larger budget, I would definitely try to do this more often.  So, that leads us to
4. Hospitality.  I really enjoy bringing people into my home and serving them...whether with food, or just inviting them into my community.  It is my desire that they would also receive life from being around my roommates.  Meghan and I definitely share this one. 

I would like to say that I have more things at this point, but really, I don't.  When Meghan and I were talking before Dayna arrived home, I realized a lot about my passion for missions.  Recently, I've felt that this passion has been removed from my life.  As Meghan put it, she sees these desires in my heart...and they are being suppressed by other things. 

The pressure.  The decisions.  The uncertainty. 

This realization made me quite sad.  My passion for missions should be on my list.  I was so ready to devote my life to serve for this end goal.  And yet, I can not add it to my list.  It has been suppressed.  I did that.  I decided that it would not be life-giving.  It wasn't a conscious decision...it just happened. 

Another thing about this list is how to implement these passions into my life.  It's one thing to simply say, "Man, I really like coffee and I really like to cook," but never share these things with others in my life.  If I enjoy cooking for others, I need to do so.  I need to reach out and share Jesus with those in my life.  Be missional.  Enjoy this other passion that has been suppressed in my life. 

Sharing my list is my new goal.  Not like telling people about it, but implemeting it into the core of who I am.  Making these things that are life-giving to me and putting them into practice, where they might also be life-giving to others because of Jesus within me.  That's my hope and prayer. 

Maybe you should also write a list.  I tell you - it's really a good process to think about and help give every day life some direction.  If you make a list and blog about it, leave me a link so I can also enjoy what God is showing you through the pasisons He instilled into your life. 

Happy Thursday, all!
ED

Decisions

It's been some time since I've posted about anything serious.  There has been quite the windstorm of thoughts swirling in my head - and I can't even say I've been able to fully express them to anyone.  Not because I didn't want to.  It's the opposite.  I would love for the people who I am closest to understand the complexities that I've been pondering.  It's probably my lack of ability to fully understand these thoughts to be able to speak them aloud. 

In spite of my shortcomings, I'm hoping this post will bring some light to certain situations. 

Doors: things that we walk through all the time.  The ones that allow access to a building, room, car, etc.  But the ones that can also deny the ability to progress through said entryway.  Unfortunately, the doors that I've come across recently are all closed.  Journeyman: closed. Hands On: closed.  The hope of keeping my current job past April: closed. 

So where is the open door?  I have two months left at this job...and I can't  help but think, "What about me?" What kind of job do I look for? Grad School? Profession?

The thing is, I've never really nailed down my "career".  If all was according to MY plan: I would have graduated, moved to China, stayed there 2 years, then come back and attempt seminary.  Almost 9 months after my college graduation, I'm still in College Station.  So we see how well my plans have worked out. 

But that's just it: they shouldn't have been MY plans to begin with.  If I had been approaching the future like I should have been, I wouldn't have been surprised by any of these circumstances.  God would have shown me the correct path...and I wouldn't feel so lost now.  So that leads to direction.  When you're lost, it's definitely helpful to find directions.  Or ask for them.  DING DING DING! Light bulb moment here (well, not exactly right now, but earlier, way before I started posting this)!!

Right.  Asking for directions.  Wait for an answer...with no timetable.  Trusting it's going to be worked out the best way, because I don't really have any other options.  I tried to stay stubborn and angry and upset about all the doors shutting...and here, I can't do it.  It's pretty hard and energy-consuming to stay upset at the Creator of the Universe.  So here's the humility.  Here's knowing I can't definitely do this on my own.  Here's the brokenness that comes when you feel like nothing else could go wrong. 


I was recommended by Jenn to read this book: Brokenness, Surrender, and Holiness by Nancy Leigh Demoss.  According to Jenn, this author is extremely down-to-earth and talks about life in a real way.  None of that sugar-coated stuff.  The nitty gritty down and dirty.  So, now that I'm done reading Dear John (more to come on this disappointment in a later post), I'm going to begin the process of reading through this tough trilogy series.  As I read, my goal is to post about thoughts/feelings/lessons.  Stay tuned...

Truth in Grace

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." II Corinthians 4:9

"But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift." Ephesians 4:7

Last night, as I laid in bed waiting for sleep to come, I caught myself thinking about grace.  It's hard to grasp the reality of this concept.  It's a gift that we don't deserve.  We are not entitled to it.  But yet, we are "justified by his grace, as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.." (Romans 3:23). 

When I mess up, I want to fix it.  I want to punish myself for screwing up.  I know I can't actually do anything to correct things gone wrong...and I think I've realized this concept a whole lot more in these last few months than I ever have before.

I've never been Catholic and I've never actually been to a Catholic church, but I found myself thinking about confession and trying to atone for sins through actions.  Paul speaks clearly to Timothy: "[God] who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began" (II Timothy 1:9).  So I was saved for his purpose by his grace... 

This past summer, while in China, I was able to understand a little glimpse of what all of these verses really mean.  During a hard conversation with a team leader after I had crossed leader/follower boundary lines, I admitted to him that I've always been really hard on myself - I have been since high school.  At that point in my life, I strived for perfection.  I didn't want to disappoint anyone, nothing excluded.  It was in college when I realized exactly how unrealistic that expectation seemed.  But sometimes, I still manage to strive for perfection.  In my leader's wisdom, he started referring back to a time in his own life when he did the same thing.  Since he had become a Christian, God had showed him that in being hard on ourselves, we are saying the atonement Christ is not good enough to cover all of our sins. 

While I wrestled with this thought, the truth in it stuck with me.  Over the next few days, I struggled to conceive how to accept grace.  How does this conception happen?  Is it supposed to be immediate?  Is it a process?  It's a hard concept for me to grasp becuase I've been in a pattern of sin with my own atonement for many many years.  Jesus, how do I go about this sanctification process and truly accept what you have already offered?

Thinking about grace is quite humbling.  It increases my awareness of just how big God is and how small and insignificant I am - but yet Christ died for me, for my sins, for my atonement. 

I can't say that I've done well grasping the concept of grace...I'm expecting the Lord to grow me in this area even more.  I don't have a conclustion for this lesson; it may not be completed for many years to come.

Responsibility

Yesterday, I was challenged to take a look at my life and evaluate the relationships in my life.  In all honesty, this challenge to re-evaluate couldn't possibly have happened at a worse time in my life. 

However, it's not really MY timing that matters.  It's not about me and my own selfish, petty desires at all...it's about learning how to serve God with my life through my thoughts, actions, and attitudes.  So it's all about God.  It's always been about God...and it always will be.  My life's purpose is to glorify Him.  This is where relationships and community make it or break it.

I want to share some verses that I've meditated on about community:

"And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.  Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4: 11-16

In these verses, it says that we are supposed to build up the body until each part works properly.  I'm not working properly, and I recognize the importance of being teachable.  As part of this life-long challenge, I am going to be stretched in learning how to be taught. 

I am asking for help in refinement.  I can't do this alone - I will need guidance and I need to know that when I'm wrong in my words, actions, and attitudes...I can depend on the body, my community, and my closest relationships to correct it. 

This is just the beginning of the process. 

Just Another Year

birthdays.  they happen every day of the year for someone somewhere.  mine?  it happens today - november 24th.  it has for 23 years now...and it will continue until Jesus decides to take me home to Him.  in the spirit of today being the beginning of my 23rd year of life, i wanted to recap the last year.

a year ago:

• i was still in college.
• i wouldn't believe that i would be working full-time in college station a year later
• i had only spent about 5 weeks in east asia (now it's more like 11 weeks)
• i didn't really understand what "being on your own" meant
• i truly didn't comprehend how much community means to me

in the last year:

• i had my last significant Christmas break
• i graduated from college (yikes!)
• i went to east asia with my best friend Leslie for the 3rd time
• i moved out of my parent's house
• i became an adult and got a full-time job (thanks to JC for planning it soooo well!)
• i've decided that having no plan for the future (or leaving it up to Jesus) is the best way to live

23 is good.  it's not scary - i think i will grow into it nicely.  after thinking back on this last year and seeing the extravagant amounts of growth that have taken place personally for me...i wouldn't take it back or do it over.  i'm excited to see how God moves in my life in the next 365 days until i turn 24.  let today be about Him and the growth that He has allowed in me.  i definitely would not have made it to be who i am at 23 if i had not met Him at 8.  sweet :)

i know that i'm definitely thankful this week. 

high school

so yesterday in the church service, i ended up sitting behind some high school kiddos.  now maybe because i am turning 23 tomorrow...these kids looked SO young.  like was i ever that small?  hmmm. 

well, sitting behind these little munchkins and observing their behavior reminded me of myself at their age.  you remember, don't you?  trying to always look your best for that one boy who never seemed to realize that you are alive?  or maybe giggling with your girlfriends because you finally got to sit next the guy you are crushing on?  or trying to find your identity in what others thought of you (in my case, it was definitely the boys)? 

yes, so it would appear that i was one boy-crazy teen.  thank goodness for maturity...for the sake of growing older...for being able to find my identity in something way more perfect than any hormone-crazed teenage boy, who, by the way, still doesn't know i exist...

hmmm.  so in this week of being thankful...i think i am thankful for turning another year older tomorrow.  for being wiser and knowing my Creator that much more!  23 sounds so scary - the middle '20s.  ew.  i've been complaining  A LOT about it.  too much.  i've heard that 30 is better than anything that far...so bring it on! 

now, the post tomorrow might be completely turned around from what i'm saying here.  there might just have to be some things about being 23 that need to be expanded on...but for now, i'm pretty glad to be out of high school and see the transformation that God has definitely brought around in my life. 

here's to be being all grown up!

messes

when i was in high school, i definitely had things appear to be in order.  it seemed effortless: my class schedule was done for me, i had swim practice right after school each day, wednesday night activities accounted for...it was easy.  but then came college, which was a whole new experience.  you have to be responsible to finish the reading that is considered the "homework", allot a certain amount of time to different extra-curricular activities, even plan out your class schedule every semester.  i made it work...and it didn't seem too hard at the time.

but then, whoa.  i graduated.

[pause for dramatic effect]

currently, i feel like all the organization and time management that i tried so hard to maintain in high school and college has been taken out of the picture.  my life feels like a mess - a giant spaghetti-filled-platter dropped on the floor mess.  ya know the kind where you can't believe that it just happened and then you still find sauce on the cabinets like a month later?  that kind.  my thoughts can't put time into the same context as it once did.  maybe that's what it's like to get older...you just can't think clearly.  [oh crap.  i'm only 22.] 
 
nonetheless, a new thought now:  in ephesians (5:15-17), paul talks about living wisely because the days are evil.  maybe this "phase" (that's what i'm going to call it for right now) is a way for God to really show me how i don't know if i'm going to make it to tomorrow.  quick sidenote: i saw 'this is it' for the second time this afternoon.  once you see a movie for the 2nd or 3rd time, you start to notice really small things.  in the documentary, michael jackson (later referenced as mj) tells his fans that he would see them in july.  he never made it that far.  i'm not trying to be morbid.  i think it's a really valuable lesson to think about.  if my last day was today, did i make the most of it?  every day that i'm miserable at my job, do i make the most of it?  do i live everyday wisely?  do i really understand what the Lord's will is?

i pray that i am DAILY thinking about how to make the most of the moments i have...

Jeremiah

Just a couple of thoughts:

Jeremiah 29:11-13 is my life verse right now.

My God is bigger than this economy.

I live for nothing less than serving Him and only Him -- only He suffices.

My life has been ruined for nothing less than living to reach nations for His kingdom.