Freedom

That's not the title that I would have originally picked for a post about my MCAT scores.  But I can honestly say that this is the only word that is resonating in my mind.

Freedom.

Freedom from pressure.
Freedom to really follow God's plan.
Freedom to discover God's purpose in my life.
Freedom to see how His plan is going to play out.
Freedom from worry.

All day long (and really for the last month since I took the test), I've been wondering how I would react one way or another.  I decided it wouldn't matter either way.  If the scores were perfect, AWESOME!  But if the other outcome was a reality with scores lower than average, then I know that God was still faithful through the process of studying and preparing for this test.  I know that this process has been me living His Will.

How do I know that?  The proof that I'm not completely devastated with my lower-than-average score of 24O.  I want it to be a testament to how He has carried me through some of the toughest times in my entire life to get me in a place where I will continue to praise Him regardless of outcomes.

So, I have freedom.  I have peace. I have excitement to look forward in fulfillment of whatever God's plans might be for my life.  And I have faith, a stronger faith and belief in the King who gave me life than I've ever had before in my life.

Praise be to Him.  Because let's just be honest, I've done absolutely nothing in my lifetime to be worthy of the blessings He has bestowed upon my life.

I said that I would praise Him regardless of the outcome, and I can think of doing nothing else!

[MCAT scores are on a scale from 0-45, with 30 (my goal) being considered a good score to be accepted into medical school. The letter "O" after the numbers is my writing score.]

Do Not Worry...

we've all heard this verse:

"therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  sufficient for the day is its own trouble." matthew 6:34

so that's basically what my mom told me when i shared my anxieties from yesterday.

i liked her wording as well - "it sounds like you are borrowing tomorrow's troubles...those things are not on the agenda for today.  focus on the task at hand."

WOW.

it was a moment i needed.  it came late in the day - after struggling with desperate thoughts all afternoon.  worrying about the future - which is not mine to worry about.

she brought be back down to where i needed to be. (unfortunately, at that moment, it was organic chemistry.)

so this is an apology for the women who i might have scared yesterday with my "timer" talk.  i do not believe that as women, we are limited to a certain time of having babies.  if it's the Lord's will, He is the only one who can create that little life inside of you.  it is wholly up to Him.  not me.  not this stupid timer that i created.  there is no such timer when you serve a God as big as the one i do.

i'm sorry.  please do research more about high risk pregnancies, because the information is valuable!  if you have questions, i can answer them!  or try to, that is.

please accept this apology.

and please try to remember me in your thoughts/prayers!  the mcat day is soon approaching.

let His Will be done.

Honesty

What would really happen if the people we thought we knew well were honest?

How would our own walls crumble when we heard of the revealing brokenness of others?

I believe our world would be better for it.

The truth of our ugliness set before others.

The state of my heart at this moment?

It feels black.

And that's about all the honesty I can bear to share right now.

Recently

I know it's been awhile since I last posted.  I owe that to the fact that I was unmotivated and my life is actually boring away from College Station.

My daily schedule (because I know that you want to know):
7:30 am - Alarm goes off.  I snooze until 8
9:30 am - When I actually get out of bed after "snoozing" for 2 hours. [just realized what a funny word snooze is.]
9:30 am to 12 noon - Eat breakfast, maybe shower (the convenience of having an outside job that involves a pool), and contemplate lunch
12 noon to 2:45 pm - Run errands, check email, facebook, my google reader, and perhaps read some
2:45 pm - Alarm goes off to tell me that I should get ready for swim practice
3 pm - The time I actually get ready for practice
3:10ish - Leave for swim practice
3:30ish - Arrive for practice
4 to 7ish - Coach swim practice
7:30 to 8ish pm - Eat dinner
8 to 10 pm - watch tv with parents
10 to midnight - read and go to bed

Exciting, right?  Nope, not really.  That is, until yesterday.

It was a normal day....until around 2:50 pm when my dad called to tell me that my little sister, L, is headed to a general surgeon in CS because Beutel (the health center on campus) can't figure out what's wrong with her.  Her white blood cell (the disease fighters in the body) numbers are huge and she's in a lot of abdominal pain.  We think it could be appendicitis.  I proceed to send out a mass text message to get many of my friends praying for her.  I get ready to go to swim practice.  I remember in the process of getting ready that I have to feed Molly because no one is going to be home until way after dinner time.

Dad was originally going to CS to move L back home.  He had left much earlier than anticipated b/c she was going to the hospital.  We didn't know if they would even be home that night.  Mom had an Aggie Mom's meeting - so she wouldn't be home until after 9.  I had to handle meet entries for Saturday's meet with the assistant coach...so I didn't know when I would be home.

Nonetheless, I fed Molly and took her out to take care of her business, and then she needed to be cleaned up.  Gross.  Butt baths?  Worst part of having a dog.  I leave quite late for swim practice.  I arrive only 10 minutes early and get bombarded with questions and things to do.  Normally, I arrive 30 minutes early so things like that don't happen.  I seriously wanted to just about scream.

The keys to the pool had gone MIA the night before - so people were asking to have the bathrooms unlocked...and I couldn't do it because the keys were missing!  So that was frustrating.  And then I'm told that a form was due the previous day to the Division.  They have to check out our backgrounds...or something.  But I had to get things ready for practice...and I was late.  And my little sister was going to the hospital and I couldn't help but wonder about her and how she's doing.

Practice starts a few minutes late...and I don't hear anything from my dad until the start of the last practice.  It's not appendicitis.  But it might be an ovarian cyst that ruptured.  She was going to have a CAT scan, and depending on the results, might be allowed to go home that night.

Practice ends, and I go to work on the meet entries at a local McDonald's with the assistant.  My dad informs me it was indeed an ovarian cyst that ruptured and they are keeping her overnight for observation because of her internal bleeding.  So...she's going to be alright.  Good.  That was around 7.

Come 10 pm (when McDonald's apparently closes in that part of town), and Will and I are still working on entries.  I leave there around 10:10 and get home at 10:35 pm to finally eat dinner.  Whew.  I was exhausted! Around 11pm, my dad calls to say that he's leaving CS to come home...

I don't go to bed until after he's home...say like 12:30ish?  I don't wake up until 9:30 this morning (after snoozing).

What a crazy day!  I'm glad to say that L is officially now out of the hospital, checked out of her dorm, and moving home as I type.  They should all be home soon.

And that was only Tuesday...

Part 10: The End (or is it?)

This is the final part of my Germany Chronicles series.  Click the link above to read the first 9 parts.

My heart couldn't be ripped out many more times and still survive intact.

___________________________________________

After Matthias left for Germany, I knew that things were different between us. We had conversed about more waiting, something I wasn't really that willing to participate in. He didn't seem to worry about the massive amount of time it took communicate, albeit, we had decided to start talking more through emails because of my episode in February. And I felt like I had already told him the most important piece of information.

Early in this series, I mentioned in a fleeting comment about how impatient I can be. This situation is the ideal example of how much I didn't want to wait for the Lord to lead us together, if it was His will. I wanted a commitment; I wanted more than what I was offered.
So I started to pursue the option of dating Thomas. By the end of the summer, it was clear that I liked him and he liked me. After school started, things continued. We talked on AIM quite a bit (old school, right?!) and things seemed to be taking off in the relationship direction. But I still hadn't settled the situation with Matthias. I had no idea how he felt about me still. Becuase of his lack of urgency, I couldn't be sure that he felt even close to the admiration I felt for him.

By the end of August in 2004, I was certain of my decision to end it. "It" being a relative term, because we didn't have anything official. In an email, I told Matthias I wanted to send him a letter, so I needed his new stateside address.

I proceeded to write my version of a "Dear John" letter. I told him about Thomas and how I felt like things were going to work out and consequently, felt held back by our relationship. I explained how I had started to experience my feelings change earlier that year when I had been forced to break my own heart.

In my head, it seemed like it would have been easier to make a clean break than to continue this non-relationship-type friendship. Just let me tell you, it's almost impossible for guys and girls to be good friends without one or the other having feelings for the other. That topic will have to be another entirely different blog post in and of itself.

Before he actually received The Letter, he wrote, "To be honest I'm afraid it could be something bad, but I'll see..."

I felt horrible.  He already had a feeling of impending doom...

Nonetheless, I sent the letter several months later and he documented the actual delivery in an email to me. It also gave him a chance to express his feelings about the entire situation.

He wasn't surprised. He actually had been expecting it because we hadn't talked for a couple of months. He felt the same way as I did. Our relationship had lost its validity when we decided to wait. Overall, even though he seemed to accept everything that I had said well, he still seemed hurt. We had a lot of history, and I was still having serious doubts that it could be over. I had given him my heart. And then I took it back.

It was easier for me to move on from him with Thomas in the picture. 8 months later, I would question my decision to finalize the end with Matthias. I've been questioning it ever since.
_______________________________________

It's been almost 7 years since I first met Matthias that fateful summer in Germany. 6 years since we ended it. 5 years since I've emailed with him (just to catch up, randomly). 3 years since I found him on the German facebook site. 2 years since he found the real facebook, and we became "friends" again.

Looking back through all of these memories and diving back into old letters and emails has shown me one thing: a heart can't really forget it's first love. I still wonder what could have happened had I been willing to be patient and wait out the time apart. He had been considering moving to Houston to attend school there in order to be closer to me. We had talked about future plans...and mutually, we had agreed that during the time we communicated, the other person was equally important to be in the other's life.

In the present, would he still feel the same way? Or, because I have been single since high school, am I just trying to hold on to the past and not move forward? If we were to meet randomly, what would we say to each other?

Why can't I let go? Since I started doing this series, I've been asking myself what the point was...beyond writing about my own "Dear John" experience. The point? I'm not finished. I let go some time ago. But I'm not done with the story.

[This part might only make sense to Twilight readers: When I read the Twilight series about a year and a half ago, I could never imagine Robert Pattinson's face as Edward. It didn't fit right for me. I had seen the movie first, so it should have been easy for his face to magically make its way into the action in my head. But not really. Matthias' face was my Edward. It definitely took me a while to figure out why I couldn't see Robert, but once I saw that Matthias just fit, it was no going back. All vampire qualities aside, Matthias is my "Edward" subconsciously.]

When I finished Dear John, I was so mad at the characters. She had moved on, and was happy, yes, but always wondered about what could have happened with John. It frustrates me to know that this will always be my reality, not just a fictional story. I guess I will always wonder what could have happened and what might have been. If given another chance, and knowing what I know now, things might look a whole lot different.

But there's really no reason to think about what might have been or what could have happened. If things had worked out with Matthias, there's a good chance I wouldn't have come to the greatest college of all time.  I wouldn't have had some of the best roommates on the planet.  I wouldn't have met my absolute best friend of all time. I wouldn't have been able to experience my love affair with Chinese people. I wouldn't be who I am, who God planned for me to be. So, no, I don't regret anything.

But I will always love him, whether he knows it or not.

Part 8: Herz Brechen

This is a continuation of my Germany Chronicles series.  Click the link above to see the first 7 parts.


And that night, I probably most definitely dreamt of him and his voice.

_________________________________________________
November passed...

December passed...

We had ceased to talk through emails. It was better for us to "slow down" our long-distance relationship and only write snail mail.

Whose brilliant idea was that? Mine.

After hearing from him on my birthday, several months passed without hearing from him. Everyday, I would frantically search the mail in hopes of finding an envelope addressed to me. Nothing. For months.

This kind of waiting is different from all the other kinds I've experienced since then. It wasn't just waiting to hear from a good friend. I wasn't frantically searching for a message that just said "Hi." Or the familiar ring of my cell phone.

My heart was on the line here. All of it - even though Matthias didn't quite know it. I never told him how I really felt. We had been more concerned about doing things in God's timing than sharing our real feelings.

So now, as I look back on that time in my life...I have to wonder if things might be different. The impatience that I experienced at that age was rampant. After several months of waiting for a letter from Germany, I had pretty much given up. I was on the edge of believing he had completely forgotten about me...the girl who made his hands shake and made him wonder what was happening to him.

In his previous letters, he apologized quite a bit about not responding as quickly as he should have and making me wait for him. At those times, I had cared less. I didn't really have to wait that long to hear from him...and it gave me more time to read the letters several times a day at school. Obsessed much? Yes, maybe I was.

I remember the night I received his next letter vividly. I had gone to swim practice that day and went home to eat dinner. After dinner, my mom went to pick up the mail. When she returned inside, I was already upstairs, preparing to work on homework.

She walks into the house, closes the door (beep beep beep went the alarm system), and yells, "ERIN!"

I stopped what I was doing, turned around slowly, and went to see what the fuss was about.

Upon seeing she successfully got my attention, she said, "You have a letter from Germany..."

[Remember to breathe, Erin!]

I ran down the stairs at lightning speed, grabbed the letter out of her hands, and ran back to my room.

Before even opening the envelope, I had tears running down my face. It had been way too long! I had basically given up hope. The whole thing might as well have been a dream.

And yet, here I was, holding the proof in my hands that it wasn't fake. It was a reality.

With my bedroom door successfully shut, I eventually opened the envelope...to read the first few words...and then to start crying my eyes out all over again.

He was sorry that he had waited so long to write...again.

It was that winter night when things started to change. I had put my whole heart on the line without telling anyone, and I had to break it along the way because nothing had lived up to my expectations. The tears shed that night? My broken heart in pieces.  His letter acted as the final blow, without him even knowing.

But life went on...

We continued to be friends that spring and correspond...as I went to a military ball and then a band banquet with other guys who might or might not have been "interested." I was boy crazy, I tell ya!

School ends, and summer begins. Beach Retreat (BR) happens. BR is exactly what it sounds like: high school teenagers going to the beach for a week all under the name of a church. Beaching. Retreating. It all happened.

It was that year at BR when I met Thomas. Nothing happened at first. And then later in the summer, something started happening. [My life is beginning to sound like a soap opera, yes?]

Matthias and his fellow German teammates arrived sometime in June.

Before I saw him again in person, my stomach had turned into a butterfly mill. When I thought about him, I still had those flutters deep down. I couldn't rid them...and didn't really want to. I was so excited to actually see him and touch him (by this I mean hug!) and spend actual time with him.

The youth group was really excited about our partnership with our German friends. Everyone wanted to be involved when they were here. This fact maybe, kind-of, annoyed me. Half of these people didn't even go last summer! That was me being selfish and wanting the Germans to be mine. But sadly, I didn't own them, even if I wanted to. Hello, can you tell I was 17?!

The afternoon they arrived into the country, their first stop was the church. That's where I was waiting for him...butterflies and all. When they stepped off the elevator, I immediately found him and made my way into his arms.

He was still the blue-eyed blonde I had left last summer. But something was different. We had a history this time.
 
A long, detailed history...

Part 7: The Letters

*this is a continuation of my Germany Chronicles series, and you should check out the first 6 parts before reading below!

I finally found the folder I needed to finish this journey...

And that year, we would write...

______________________________________________________________________

For the group of Texans that went to Germany that summer, our trip was scheduled from July 1st through the 12th.  From what I remember on the night we got back (it was the 13th because of time changes), all I did was sit on my bed with the Downhere cd on repeat in my room.  I was in a daze...and my emotions had not completely caught up with me.  About 2 days earlier, I had been with Matthias physically.  That was before I had to leave him.  And it was before our tragic flight home.  

This daze...it was for multiple reasons.  I couldn't seriously believe that the trip was already over.  Was it even real?  I'm sure I must have pinched myself several times.  I wasn't dreaming, right?

Over the next few weeks, several things would be a comfort to me as I tried to get back to my "normal" life.  Whatever that was.  

First of all, my pictures.  After taking the disposable cameras to Walgreens to be developed and actually having to go back to pick the prints up, these objects proved that what happened was, in fact, real.  Second, my music.  Three cds remind me of my journey: Josh Groban's Closer, Warren Barfield's self-titled album, and Downhere's self-titled album.  Thirdly, my stomach could not seem to forget Matthias' touch.  This last one might be silly.  But I was 16...and seriously inexperienced with any kind of contact with the opposite gender.  So, my mind wouldn't really let go of this one.  Fourthly (but it's really first), I had recieved an email on the 10th of July - 2 days before I had even gotten back - from Matthias.  *heart, be still*

I no longer have a digital copy of this first email...but I did print off a copy the night I received it.

It is on this copy I have made my own notes to point out the highlights of what he wrote.  Some of these things went like this:

"I tried so hard to divert myself, but I just can't stop thinking of you..."

"My hands are still shaking as I write this and I think I never felt like this before.  What did you do to me?"  (I probably giggled when I first read that one.)

"I really wished we would have had more time together alone." (he added the bold)

"When you asked me what I wanted from the states, do you know what came to my mind first?  You.  I just didn't dare tell you that then."  (At one point during the trip, I strategically asked him what he might want from the states...and his hesitation was enough to answer the question until I saw this email...)

See?  Now maybe it might make more sense as to why I printed it out...reading it once was simply not enough.

Over the next few months, we wrote back and forth using email and snail mail.  The average time for a real piece of mail to get from one address to the other was about 9 days.  

We wrote of "I miss you" and "I miss you too".  We wrote of vacations.  We spent time talking about what we could officially define our relationship as.  He wrote a lot about how he doesn't write a lot, but that didn't mean he doesn't care.  He just can't think of what to say.  

By August, I was sure I was in love.  Head-over-heals-I'll-move-to-Germany-for-you love.

I had to be careful of who I expressed this fact to.  And to be honest, I can't think of a single person I actually told.  I was afraid people would tell me I was crazy.  I didn't want to hear the things I had heard up until that point: "guard your heart", "it's just not logical", "the age difference is too much", "he lives too far away".

Those conversations went against everything I felt.  Okay, maybe the whole situation wasn't logical.  But really, how can I just tell my heart to stop beating?  It wasn't going to change anything.  

Regardless of how my heart felt, I was quite reserved in my emails and letters.  I spoke with him about how we needed to slow things down - I'm only 16!  And I still 2 more years of high school.  This can't be good to go so fast when we are so far away.  Writing to each other in the way that we had been was quite dangerous.

"I miss you so bad and I feel like you were gone for a year already" (I had been gone a total of 20 days)

"...but you know you can take this as another proof of your beauty and kindness..."

"I'm really missing you badly and praying for you and that God may lead our ways together if it's his will..."

"I can't wait to see you again..."

A few months into it, he mentioned me coming to visit over Christmas and New Year's.  Whoa.  If I had been 23, there would maybe be no question if I could go.  But I was 16, and was sure my parents would deny me the opportunity.  I mentioned it in passing...but I don't think I was actually taken seriously by them.

November approached...our shared birthday month.  I can't remember what I sent him as a present.  But I think I was excited about it because he definitely wrote about how he was excited to receive it...because I had talked about it so much.  

My birthday was about 20 days after his, and I honestly didn't expect anything.  I would have been happy with just a letter telling me happy birthday.  

As it turns out, I did get a letter...

And a piece of his past.

This shows his old drum (the one I now possess) and his new one.

It did indeed arrive broken.  But I don't know how to play the drums, and this gift was better than anything else he could have given me.  It still sits in my room and I will never get rid of it.  When I actually grow up and officially move out of my parent's house, then I will take it with me.  

With his gift, he also sent pictures with great explanations on the backs.

...sorry for the blur...

On my actual birthday, after arriving home from swim practice, the phone rings...one of my parents answers the phone (like usual) and then subsequently calls out my name for me to get it.  At this point, I can't think of any person who could be calling me.

I answer. "Hello?"

"Hello, Erin..." 

My heart starts pounding.  It can't be.  No way.  I'm dreaming.  I can't stand up anymore.  Where 's the chair...oh, there it is.  Sit.  BREATHE.  

"Hi...I can't believe it's you..."

He called. On my 17th birthday.  To wish me a happy birthday.  And almost gave me a heart attack in the process.  

It was so fabulous to hear his voice again - the smooth richness of it, his accent - and it seriously felt right.

I don't remember the conversation from that night.  But I remember hanging up feeling as if I was never going to fall asleep again.  

And that night, once I fell asleep, I probably most definitely dreamt of him and his voice.

Part 7 Coming Soon!

Oh dear...the endeavors I have created for myself.

Upon my decision to accept a swim team coaching job in Houston, I have to clean out my room in my parent's house so I can move back into it...

Which means there's a lot of stuff to go through in the next few days.  Maybe I'll document some of the process.

In the meantime, I decided to start under my bed - and found the folder of letters that Matthias had written to me.  I was starting to have some serious doubts about whether or not I would be able to find them.  I haven't seen this folder in YEARS.

But, alas, I have discovered it in the depths of the under-bed.  And now, I am definitely going to be prepared to write part 7.  My heart is pounding because I am so stinking excited about this find.

sigh.

How great these things work out.

So, I apologize to make you wait longer.  But it will be on my list of things to work on in the next days here at my parent's house.

Woohoo!

Until later,
ED

Part 6: Journeying Home

*this is a continuation of my real-life Dear John story.  visit the "Germany Chronicles" tab to read the first 5 parts*

Sometimes, dreams do come true.
____________________________________________________________

Out of all of the International trips that I've been on in my 23 years, I can definitely say that this adventure had the most emtional roller-coasters. My journeys to China are completely different in the emotional arena. Maybe the difference also comes from age and maturity. But in all honesty, this trip to Germany did nothing less than keep us all on our toes. After a group of 6 get lost on a train in their pjs, another guy had gotten lost our last night in Munich. Our youth minister seriously didn't know where he had gone off to - and this guy finally made it back to our hotel, but it was a scary deal! This was before everyone had cell phones that worked internationally.

However, on our long flight back to America, an incident occured that helped me to see just how precious a gift we have in the life given to us.

While on the plane, I was happily consumed with the entertainment tv on the back of the chair in front of me. It wasn't until the captain made an announcement that went something like, "If you are a doctor, we ask your assistance in the rear of the plane"...did I know that something terribly wrong had happened. Again, it was like a scene of a movie. These kinds of things just really don't ever happen in real life.

Because I was located near the back of the train, I began to search for the source of the problem, and crane my neck to look behind me. What I saw shook me to the core.

One of my fellow team members and travel companion to Cologne was purple - and didn't appear to be breathing.

At this point, we were flying over the midwestern United States - and we turned around to head back to Chicago to get him some help.

They took him back to the galley in the rear portion of the plane and closed the curtains. Clearly, whatever was happening, they were trying to keep from the rest of us.

When we landed in Chicago, they had an ambulance waiting on the runway. My youth minister left the plane to stay with him...so we were left to wonder what had happened to our friend. We only had a few more hours before we would get to Houston.

Upon arriving in Houston, before heading to baggage claim and to see our families, they pull our entire group into a private room. One of the other ministers from our church was there - and we all knew something had gone terribly wrong. It was here, in this room, that we learned our friend Jim had passed away on our journey home.

Before we left to go find our families (who had also been informed of the incident), we were given the opportunity to process what this meant for our team and our trip. After several moments, I leave the room to go find my family.

Successfully making it through customs, I go to baggage claim and see my family waiting. We gather my luggage, exchange the money I had left over, and head home.

I would like to say that I was grieving for my friend Jim. If I'm being honest, I was the selfish 16-year-old that can only think of herself. And I didn't know Jim that well, but I knew he was ultimately in a better place.

The conversation on the ride home went something like this:
"So, mom and dad, there's this boy..."

"Oh, really, sweetie?"

"No, like, there really IS a boy. And he's German. And we are, like, going to be writing back and forth."

"Honey, what about what happened to Jim? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Did I mention there's, like, a German boy?"


...a little while later...

"Dad, you would have freaked out if you knew that a few nights ago, I was, like, lost on a train in Germany...in my boxers...and only socks on my feet..."

"Yes, honey, it's good I didn't know that happened. I would have been a little frazzled."

"Yeah. We got lost on the dining car. Jim was with us."

"Well, honey, I'm glad you're safe."

...

"I want to go back to Germany one day, but for now, I'm just looking forward to next summer when Matthias will be coming here..."

"That's a long time from now, sweetie."

"Maybe. But he's special. And we're going to write this year. It's going to be great."
_____________________________

And that year, we did write...

Lost. (part 5 of the chronicles)

*this is a continuation of my true-life Dear John story.  if you missed the first 4 parts, visit the tab above labeled, "The Germany Chronicles"*

If there was a ever a time when I wanted a train to stop and turn around, it was at this moment.  Where is the emergency brake?!  This can't be possible...I can't handle leaving him like this!  

_________________________________________________________

Our journey was far from being over.  

After the train left the station, the dread I felt about leaving Matthias was gone.  I had a peace about how the relationship had happened and where we had left things.  Granted, Matthias was in a totally different stage in life than I was.  But at 16, having this guy express interest in me was well, perfect.

Our groups proceed to find our sleeper rooms - each with 6 beds in them!  That night was going to be an adventure, in more ways than one.  In my room, it was quite difficult to squeeze 6 large suitcases and 6 women with backpacks.  It worked...and we proceed to get ready to sleep for our journey to Munich.  For me, this meant I took off my tennis shoes, changed into my red valentine boxers, and got a picture of the only time I would be in my triple-top bunk bed.  To this day, I still have no idea where that picture went.

A view of the sleeper rooms - this was not my room.  It's just to give you an idea about the size.

After taking this picture, a few of the older ladies wanted to discuss my "circumstances" in the dining car.  Another girl on the trip, G, had similar circumstances...so she joined us as well.  We all order hot chocolate from the wait-person and dive right in.  These older ladies wanted to know what had happened over the last 8 days with these German boys!  As we indulged them with details about what happened, how we felt, and what we intended to do after we got back to America, the train slowly made progress.  We would travel for a while, and then we would stop to allow passengers on and off.

At one of these stops, we noticed how long we had been waiting to start up again.  All the while, we keep talking.  After leaving our abnormally long stop, we decide that since it is maybe after 1 in the morning, we should find our beds and try to get some sleep before we arrive at our destination.  We leave the dining car, which contained 2 other guys from our team, and head back to find our car and eventually, our bed.  We go through train car after train car with no success.  We go back to the dining car and mention it to the other 2 guys...and they go looking.  When they arrive back, we know something is terribly wrong.

We try to communicate with the wait-person in the dining car, but it turns out he does not speak English, and none of us speak German well enough to converse.  Interesting.  What do we do now?  

Eventually, after wondering around trying to find a person who might speak English, we find a train engineer who speaks perfect English!  It was a huge relief.  Once we find out that we have indeed switched trains and are now on our way to the West side of Germany as opposed to the Southern side, unbelief set in.  I had on a tshirt, boxers, and socks.  Luckily, I still had my passport on me, but not everyone in the 6 of us did.  Huh.  This is crazy.  

I'm pretty sure I never panicked.  I thought the situation was kinda fun.  Our little group of 6 went on the "scenic tour" to get to our final destination...which means more adventure!

This English-speaking engineer helped us figure out where to go and even helped us figure out a way to meet our group in Munich, after a stop in Cologne.  Want to know a perk?  We got to ride the fastest train in Europe for FREE!  How many people have done that?  I'm one of them.

We found out later that one of the other adult leaders had woken up about the same time that we realized we were on the wrong train.  God had this situation in His hands the whole time.  I was never worried.

We finally arrived to Munich, about an hour after the rest of our group.  They had a stressful event getting all of our belongings off the train as it was stopped, but they managed it marvelously!  After we got the chance to change out of our pjs, we went on our way to become tourists. 

The morning after getting "lost" in Germany.  

Over the next day and half, we visited a castle, went to Dachou concentration camp, and got to wonder around and absorb Munich for the city that it is.  

Neuschwanstein Castle.

Dachou concentration camp.  This picture shows where the old barracks used to be before they were torn down.

The bathroom at Dachou for the prisoners.

The washroom.

During our stay in Munich, my mind was only half there.  I kept wanting to search for his familiar face...I wanted him to be with us.  However, I was strangely at peace in my heart about leaving and going back home.

The last night in Munich.

Sometimes, fairy tales do come true.

All roads point to...

This week, as mentioned in the previous post, I am spending some time in Houston.  Right now, I can't disclose any details about what has happened exactly (there was an impromptu interview and other important things).

I can, however, say that I desperately need your prayer!  Honestly, at every other point in my life, I have never felt so broken and lost.  As I was resting after a crazy 24 hours of dental appointments, job interviews and other important critical meetings...the song "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road came on the radio downstairs. I love the melody.  But, it's really the lyrics that speak to me on this afternoon of critical decisions. Here are the lyrics:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

So, as I seek the Lord for what He might have my "next step" be...I am asking that you, my friends and family, to seek Him on my behalf.  If you could ask Him for clarity, discernment, and Godly wisdom, that would be so life-giving and support my heart as I travel through this narrow road.

I appreciate each of you and your contribution into my life.  Thanks for offering your prayers.

Word of the Week: EXCITE!

After that last post...and the number of real-people comments I got on it, I'm finding it hard to figure out what to share now.  So, because this week holds several different exciting things, I thought sharing them might be fun.

1. As I was cleaning up and straightening the piles in my room on Saturday, I found an envelope from Christmas with a pretty substantial amount of cash in it - WOOHOO!
2. UPDATE: I got to hang out with Nikki Saturday for lunch and some sweet coffee shop action afterwards.
3. I got to take a really long nap on Sunday afternoon.  It was a great time to not have an agenda and really relax.
4. The Oscars were on Sunday night - and I've never watched the whole program before.  It was really enjoyable, (update!)especially because Sandra Bullock won best actress and Sandra and Nikki are twins.  Best parts of the weekend :) 
5. Monday morning, the morning that I dread the most out of the week, I got up early to take my car to get the oil changed.  See, the exciting part about this not-so-exciting task is that I might or might not have a tiny little crush on one of the guys who works there.  When I get my tires checked, he always does it.  I'm such a silly girl.  But, Josh worked on my car and then I got the oil change and tire rotation - almost a $50 value - for FREE.  The reasoning for that was a little less fortunate...I had to witness one of the associates having what he claims is a "rant".  It was pretty violent - throwing trashcans and the such ( he didn't know I was there).  But I didn't have to pay for anything!  I mean, I guess it might've been worth it.
6. I found the most hilarious blog.  It's definitely laughing-so-hard-you're-now-crying worthy.  You should visit Cake Wrecks.  It won't let you down.
7. I was asked to come interview for a head swim coaching position in Spring.  DID THIS JUST HAPPEN?  I'm way excited.
8. Tuesday, which happens to be today, is the day that I'm going to Houston to check out a graduate program to become an ultrasound technician.  This is also exciting.  I'm looking forward to it more than I thought I would.
9. Tomorrow, I get to meet with a pretty important man in my dad's life (his boss!) to discuss my resume and career goals.  It definitely sounds intimidating, and I might be nervous tomorrow morning when I actually get up to go meet with him.  But for now, I'm just truly grateful and excited that he is taking time out of his morning to meet with me.  I didn't ask - he offered.  And I'm (for lack of a better word) excited.
10. Tomorrow night, I am going to see Rascal Flatts at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo with Leslie.  This is also exciting.  I think the plan is to eat fried oreos (or whatever else they decide to stick in the hot oil this year). 
11. Thursday will probably be hard to transition back into work after not being there for a day and a half...so that leads us to Friday and our roomie night at Cracker Barrel!  This is so great - Cracker Barrel just opened in our small college town, so basically, we just don't know what to do with ourselves until we go there (which is so soon!).  Friday night = exciting.

There you have it.  10 things that are happening (or have happened) in my week.  And, next week is Spring Break - which is strange because I have to work for 3 days of it, but I'm thankful for a 4-day weekend.  Until next time, when I find a topic that is blog-worthy,

Thanks for reading my ramble.
ED

What do you do on a Friday night?!

Personally, as a 23-year-old single woman who works 40 hours a week, I can't imagine anything better than a quiet Friday evening at home.

I left work around 4:30 this afternoon and stopped at the Home Depot, affectionately called the Orange Box in my family.  This activity was necessary in order to bless a sweet couple for their wedding shower tomorrow.  Walking in, I was greeted with that awesome hardware store smell. You know...the earthy, rusty, musty air. For some reason, it's comforting to me.  Maybe it reminds me of my childhood and the trips I would make with my dad.  Anyway, I know I have to get the registry printed...so I try to find an employee to ask where the best place to do that is.  She points me to the service desk, which is by the door where I walked into the store.  After the list is printed by the not-too-enthusiastic employees send me on my way, I proceed to walk around aimlessly for like 10 minutes.  I have no idea where to look for the item I've picked.  None.  Great.  Eventually, an employee comes to help me out.  I was grateful.  He definitely saved me from looking like more of an idiot.

I head home after paying for my purchase.  Once I got home, I really didn't have a game plan.  There were definitely some things I wanted to do: clean out the fridge, organize the Tupperware, and watch the Olympics.  So what did I do? I cleaned out the fridge for our house of 6 girls.  I wiped it out, and it looks and smells better!  I organized our tupperware

to look like this:

and this:

It's so much better.  After that, I washed dishes.  Or maybe I washed dishes before that.  I don't remember.

I then ordered my favorite pizza from Mr. G's and it was wonderful.  I got to sit down, eat, watch the Olympics...take a nap and then wake up in order to see my favorite Olypmian: Apolo Ohno.  Although I was completely shocked about how the race turned out, I've gotten to see all of his races in this Olympics, and that makes my Friday night complete.

For this 23yo, I'm fully satisfied with how my Friday night turned out.  Maybe this means I need a new life.

Thanks for reading my ramble.
ED

Captured by Thoughts

REALITY:

                                                              fears.

Insecurities.                                                                  

                        the unknown.

Inadequacies.

PRESSURES.

                                       

                                  TRAPPED.    

                              decisions.

 

GOAL:

                                                              faith.

                            JOY.

freedom.

                 

                        Jeremiah 29:11-13.   

                                                             hope.

           trust.

                                                                                  grace.