The Apothecary's Daughter

I'm reading this book.

It's a good book.  I'm enjoying it.  But I also feel like the main character and I are a lot alike.

Granted, I'm not the daughter of an apothecary.  And I don't have "suitors" or "gentlemen" pursuing me.

But I think I definitely identify with her frantic thoughts of "running out of time."

Keep in mind I haven't really had feelings like this.  I even had a friend recently tell me that I had this part of my life down.  It was easy for me to separate my desires of having a family because of my busy schedule.  My ambitions.  My independence.

And then it seemed that a lot of my good friends are married, getting married, or having babies.

This post might be a little cryptic.  But that's just kind of how it's coming out.

The point is this: I'm potentially pursuing a career that will take the next 9-10 years to train for.  In that same amount of time, I'll be considered "advanced maternal age" and the risk for abnormalities in babies begins to have a crazy effect on the statistics.  Today, after only seeing pregnant ladies in the clinic, one stood out.  She's my age.  And this is her 5th pregnancy.

Let me just say this:  I don't really want to be pregnant that many times or have the number of children that she has at this age.

But I do feel like a timer started.  And I'm feeling a tad desperate today.

I know that Jesus is bigger than all of these things.  He has put me in this place for a purpose.

There should be no "but" after that statement.

BUT, this afternoon, I do feel overwhelmed.  And this just seemed the easiest thing to express at the moment.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, friends.  I could definitely use some heavenly encouragement.

Walls

this weekend has been a little difficult.  not in like the sense that something terrible happened.  or that any horrific news has come my way.  

but just in the sense of my heavy heart.  it all started when i had to make a decision to attend a "'geriatric skate" event with the singles group at my church.  

i seriously couldn't decide what to do.  

so, in trying to figure out why this decision was so hard, i figured out that i have a few things that have been festering.  

the main issue?  my lack of interest in putting myself out there.  to be vulnerable.

i have effectively built walls around myself.  i'm more content to stay home and read a book than to go hang out with a sweet friend that could be very life-giving.  i just can't seem to bring myself to do these things. 

these walls also make me a lame friend.  i never want to do anything.  and i would rather just be at home.  

unfortunately (or fortunately?), now that i've recognized this monstrous glaring problem in my life, i have to continually work on it and through it.  

i was talking with LS about this decision and her response was something along the lines of, "well, if you don't want to do anything, you're going to be alone.  and then in the next stage of life, you're not going to want to do anything again.  so then you'll be alone.  and essentially, you'll be alone forever."

how true is that?  if i don't build up my community in this new phase in life, i have only the few people that i've been able to keep contact with since moving in april.  

and just how many friends have i made since then?  not counting acquaintances and just including the people i regularly see and talk to outside of church is 2. T-W-O.  now i'm upset with myself.

the realization that i've been lame and become a new member and haven't been active and don't really want to be active now is harsh.  

it was my slap of the weekend.  

and let me tell you, it hit hard.

these walls, they're high.  and they aren't keeping me safe like they were supposed to.  i've hurt myself.  and now i'm upset with myself.  i'm still a mess.   

almost 10 months later, i'm an absolute mess.  and all i wanted was to feel safe.