Do Not Worry...

we've all heard this verse:

"therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  sufficient for the day is its own trouble." matthew 6:34

so that's basically what my mom told me when i shared my anxieties from yesterday.

i liked her wording as well - "it sounds like you are borrowing tomorrow's troubles...those things are not on the agenda for today.  focus on the task at hand."

WOW.

it was a moment i needed.  it came late in the day - after struggling with desperate thoughts all afternoon.  worrying about the future - which is not mine to worry about.

she brought be back down to where i needed to be. (unfortunately, at that moment, it was organic chemistry.)

so this is an apology for the women who i might have scared yesterday with my "timer" talk.  i do not believe that as women, we are limited to a certain time of having babies.  if it's the Lord's will, He is the only one who can create that little life inside of you.  it is wholly up to Him.  not me.  not this stupid timer that i created.  there is no such timer when you serve a God as big as the one i do.

i'm sorry.  please do research more about high risk pregnancies, because the information is valuable!  if you have questions, i can answer them!  or try to, that is.

please accept this apology.

and please try to remember me in your thoughts/prayers!  the mcat day is soon approaching.

let His Will be done.

Anxiousness

I'm sitting here, doing my anatomy work...watching the clock go by.  

And the closer the time gets to 2:45, which is when I get ready for swim practice...the more anxious I get.  

I should be thinking about napping after only getting 5ish hours of sleep last night.  

But, alas, I'm nervous about practice.  

Well, not practice.  I can coach.  I like that part.

I'm nervous about what could potentially go wrong and be "my fault".  

Or making a decision that someone doesn't necessarily agree with.  

I'm weary of being picked on.  I wish coaching was all I had to handle.  

Maybe then I wouldn't be so nervous.  

Being a leader is hard.  

Especially as a single woman.  The whole situation would be different if I was married and not living at my parent's house.  Maybe if I had a baby...I wouldn't get asked, "Have you ever coached a team before?" It's insulting.  Yes, I'm young.  No, I don't have my own family yet.  But yes, I am qualified to do this job well (14 years of experience on a pool deck isn't enough, eh?!).  

I guess I'm frustrated with the double standard.  

I am an adult.  

I am fully capable of making decisions.  

And teaching kids how to swim well.  

Stop asking if I'm competent.  I wouldn't be there if I wasn't.  

(I just want to say that I'm not saying these things out of arrogance.  I am really struggling with my identity.  And I know that I can do these things.  I just haven't been given the time to prove who I am to the right people.)