Love?

Sometimes, I don't do a good job of being mindful of other people's feelings.  

It would be unfair of me to expect others to always be aware of how they are treating others.  

But how does a person who has been hurt approach the person who did the hurting and explain how the situation hurt them?  

The concept seems easy enough.  However, the execution is another story.

Today, I feel like I've been carrying a lot of pain around with me.  It's kind of a huge burden.  And it's reminded me of how much grace I live in every day.

Grace doesn't take away the pain.  It's definitely still there.  

I want to be able to extend grace to several people in my life.  I want to be able to live like Jesus.  Jesus allowed the people he loves to place Him on a cross to die.  

So when does the pain go away?  

Turning the other cheek really does allow for one to put death to self.  

I don't have the right to be treated a certain way.  

Jesus, help me to live out forgiveness without bitterness!

[sorry if this post makes no sense.  just wanted to voice the ache in my heart.]  

Afraid of Failure

This week was the week of "lightbulb moments".  Seriously.  It was like every day I had an "Ah-Ha!" moment.  And I love these kinds of things.  It's like stepping out of a dream and embracing reality.  Okay, so that might be a stretch, but I still like these moments.  It provides a little more understanding into my life.

Some of these light bulbs were simple - like figuring out some sibling relationships in my young professionals group.  But others were kind of big.  Like why I can't seem to make decisions about future plans.  Or plans here and now.  I know that Jesus says to only look at today.  And I believe that I truly do that.

But there are other factors in life that require us to look a little ways into the future.  And it's these opportunities that I'm afraid of.

I already feel like I've failed before. Like not just a simple fail.  A huge, life-altering fail.  One that caused me to sneak into myself and become extremely hurt, bitter, and angry at God.  For almost a year.  I wasn't myself.  And I'm still seeking to find who God wants me to be through that experience.  I want to bring Him glory with my life - to make much of Him, not to make much of Erin. I'm done being angry.  I'm done trying to make my own plans and asking God to bless them.  It's not how His Plan works.

So how do I proceed and make my life worthy of His Calling? How do I make much of Him while pursuing opportunities that could be interpreted as making much of me?  Only He can really know my heart.  But I want to be clear that I'm not making decisions lightly.  And I can't stop hesitating to make sure my heart is right in these decisions.  That He would be my joy and not my own glory.   I'm working on this.  But it's not just gonna happen overnight.  There's a massive amount of healing that still has to take place.  And learning.  And growing.

Having my "light bulb" moment last night allowed me to understand why I'm hesitating.  I feel like I can't proceed because I've made future plans before and I've failed.  It sounds simple, but it's so deep.  The hurt and disappointment runs through the very core of me.  And I need my community to understand this.  It's critical that they see how much God has brought me through and how He is teaching me to seek Him above all else.   


I am beginning to see the bigger picture of how deep and thorough His love, grace and forgiveness flow.

It's officially official...

Just moments ago, I accepted a head coaching position for a summer league swim team in Spring, a suburb of Houston. 

*SIGH OF RELIEF*

This decision is based off of the hope that I have in Jesus to provide different opportunities in the various seasons of life.  I know that this is His provision for right now.  The circumstances could not have happened in a more perfect way. 

About 3-4 weeks ago, my mom had mentioned that I should look for a coaching job for the time after my time at TTI is over.  It's temporary, but it's definitely something as opposed to the nothing that I had at the time.  Last week, I finally took the time to research the possibility of coaching after my previous boss and head coach informed me that she had her assistants from last year coming back for this season.  I researched...and there were a few options.  I chose one pretty much randomly, and emailed the team contact. 

We emailed back and forth a few times before I discovered they were only looking for assistant coaches.  It's not a bad thing to be an assistant - I've done it 4 times, with great experiences 3 out of the 4 times.  However, I kind of felt like I needed to look for something more. 

----Last weekend passes on by--->

I get an email on Monday morning saying that this team I had contacted no longer had a head coach.  Something had happened...and they wanted to interview ME. 

Um.
Gosh.
Crazy.
YES! 

I agree to meet with some of the board members this past Tuesday when I was in Houston for various reasons, and it went well.  I believe that I can work with them and communicate things that will need to get done.  Overall, I thought it was a great fit.  Then they said they would let me know by Thursday. 

Wednesday rolls around, I get up, go downtown to meet with my dad's boss about life, circumstances, and resume building.  There is still a potential opportunity...but I'm not going to talk about it just yet.  We'll have to wait to see what happens there.  I get to have lunch with my mom :) and on my way home, I get a phone call from the swim team.  It's Wednesday, not Thursday, and I thought I would get more time!  I tell them I can't quite make my decision yet - so he says he will call back on Friday (ahem, that's today).

After hanging up, I become really overwhelmed...and can't control the tears as they roll down my face for about 30 minutes.  I don't ever cry.  I felt broken. Lost. Overwhelmed.  Why is life so stinking hard? 

But now you're probably thinking this situation doesn't make sense.  This team is a good fit - and it's perfect.  Well, it's just more complicated.  I had to let go of my insecurities in my ability to do this job well.  I had to resign to the Lord that I KNEW He would take care of me through this whole ordeal.  I don't have a clue what I'll be doing after the end of June, when the season is over.  It's really just not something that I can worry about. 

Take a day at a time. 

So, after spending a lot of yesterday thinking, and praying, and spending time praying some more, I felt peace (and excitement) about the coaching job. 

When the team representative called a few minutes ago, I had butterflies in the tummy.  Now, I'm grateful to God that I even have this opportuity to share my passion of swimming with these little kiddos.  It's going to be a lot of fun. 

There ya have it.  I'm moving back to Houston sometime before April 17th.  There's a lot to be done before then...and I'll be sure to keep my piece of the web updated. 

Thanks for sharing in my excitement!
ED

All roads point to...

This week, as mentioned in the previous post, I am spending some time in Houston.  Right now, I can't disclose any details about what has happened exactly (there was an impromptu interview and other important things).

I can, however, say that I desperately need your prayer!  Honestly, at every other point in my life, I have never felt so broken and lost.  As I was resting after a crazy 24 hours of dental appointments, job interviews and other important critical meetings...the song "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road came on the radio downstairs. I love the melody.  But, it's really the lyrics that speak to me on this afternoon of critical decisions. Here are the lyrics:

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

So, as I seek the Lord for what He might have my "next step" be...I am asking that you, my friends and family, to seek Him on my behalf.  If you could ask Him for clarity, discernment, and Godly wisdom, that would be so life-giving and support my heart as I travel through this narrow road.

I appreciate each of you and your contribution into my life.  Thanks for offering your prayers.

german chocolate amazingness

Today was relatively uneventful.  I spent the morning and part of the afternoon reading A Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers.  It was good to have down-time and read this morning about Tamar.  At the end of the chapter, there are some really good discussion questions.  Since I was supposed to be "working", I didn't spend the reflection time I need to fully grasp some of the contents.  I then moved onto Rahab.  Through reading about these women in Christ's lineage, I am amazed at how we (read I) try to be so perfect and put on this face of how we (read I) have it all together.

Reality check: both Tamar and Rahab didn't know God, but knew of Him.  When they had started to follow Him, it was more of a feeling of accepting that He has to be the true God.  These Canaanite women didn't follow the pagan gods their families and friends did...they knew better.  These women are not perfect.  Tamar had to dress like a temple prostitute to seduce her late husband's father, Judah, in order to have a right to an heir that he had previously refused her through abandonment.  Rahab was taken the temple when she was a young girl for the pleasures of the king.  When the king grew tired of her, she had no other choice but to make a life of prostitution for herself.  She hides the Israelite spies from the guards and king...and helps the Israelites defeat Jericho and claim the land God had given them.

Prostitution. Seduction.

But they kept their faith.

These women had faith in something that they couldn't be sure of, but somehow knew it had to be truth.  Through all of their different hardships, they looked to an unseen God for help.  They didn't know this God well, but yet their willingness to serve an unseen God created righteousness in their lives.

God has used sinners all throughout time.  He had women like Tamar and Rahab in the lineage of Christ.  Jesus hung out with tax collectors. And then there's me - a sinner saved by grace.  Oh, how I don't even deserve it!

---Awkward Transition---

I was able to read all morning...and that was great.  I got to help some students create resumes this afternoon.  That is something that I enjoy - teaching.  Hmmm.  Interesting.  That might be another blog post to come soon.  Crazy stuff.  Anywho, I went to dinner with my boss and another lady who came up to help the Academy from TTI.  After dinner, my boss and I made our way to a local custard joint.  I had specifically saved room for this and definitely didn't overdo it at dinner for that reason.  For those of you familiar with CS, this place had way more selection than Shake's.  And, I'm pretty sure that it tasted better too.  Sorry, just being honest here.

My German chocolate concrete: chocolate custard with butterscotch, coconut, and pecans.  

I probably shouldn't have wasted the calories on this dessert.  So I'll just claim that I'm on vacation and it doesn't count.  Yup, I just did that.  

Tomorrow is the last day of the last session of the TCCA, the project for which I was hired to assist.  It's crazy how fast time has gone by.  It's already the end-ish of February...and April is approaching quickly.  It's definitely time to get serious about job searching again.  I have been, but I really need to hunker down, revise the resume, and network all over again.  My time at TTI is coming to a close.  And I'm not thinking I'm going to miss it.  More on this dilemma later...

Have a happy friday, all!

Truth in Grace

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." II Corinthians 4:9

"But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift." Ephesians 4:7

Last night, as I laid in bed waiting for sleep to come, I caught myself thinking about grace.  It's hard to grasp the reality of this concept.  It's a gift that we don't deserve.  We are not entitled to it.  But yet, we are "justified by his grace, as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.." (Romans 3:23). 

When I mess up, I want to fix it.  I want to punish myself for screwing up.  I know I can't actually do anything to correct things gone wrong...and I think I've realized this concept a whole lot more in these last few months than I ever have before.

I've never been Catholic and I've never actually been to a Catholic church, but I found myself thinking about confession and trying to atone for sins through actions.  Paul speaks clearly to Timothy: "[God] who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began" (II Timothy 1:9).  So I was saved for his purpose by his grace... 

This past summer, while in China, I was able to understand a little glimpse of what all of these verses really mean.  During a hard conversation with a team leader after I had crossed leader/follower boundary lines, I admitted to him that I've always been really hard on myself - I have been since high school.  At that point in my life, I strived for perfection.  I didn't want to disappoint anyone, nothing excluded.  It was in college when I realized exactly how unrealistic that expectation seemed.  But sometimes, I still manage to strive for perfection.  In my leader's wisdom, he started referring back to a time in his own life when he did the same thing.  Since he had become a Christian, God had showed him that in being hard on ourselves, we are saying the atonement Christ is not good enough to cover all of our sins. 

While I wrestled with this thought, the truth in it stuck with me.  Over the next few days, I struggled to conceive how to accept grace.  How does this conception happen?  Is it supposed to be immediate?  Is it a process?  It's a hard concept for me to grasp becuase I've been in a pattern of sin with my own atonement for many many years.  Jesus, how do I go about this sanctification process and truly accept what you have already offered?

Thinking about grace is quite humbling.  It increases my awareness of just how big God is and how small and insignificant I am - but yet Christ died for me, for my sins, for my atonement. 

I can't say that I've done well grasping the concept of grace...I'm expecting the Lord to grow me in this area even more.  I don't have a conclustion for this lesson; it may not be completed for many years to come.