My Favorite Time of Year

Allright, so today I was rolling through my Google Reader and noticed that several people are talking about the seasons and which ones they love.

At A Country Farmhouse, she mentions how she's loving eating outside during the summer.  Granted, if you live in the right part of the country, I'm sure that would be enjoyable.  But live in Houston...and it's a nightmare.  Mosquitoes, humidity and sweat join you for dinner.  And there's that little (or big!) guest called Mr. Temperature.  He's planning on being over 100 in the next few days.  Although August in Houston is not fun, there are things I enjoy about summer: the smell of freshly cut grass, the smell of tanning oil (it reminds me of the beach!), eating things fresh off the grill (yum!!!), and being able to wear shorts and t-shirts.  Sweating in the heat is not number one...but jumping in a pool is right up there!

At The Cluttered Corner, she talks about fall and how she loves it.  And yes, I can see the appeal: Mr. Temperature decides to take a break, the sweaters get to come out of hiding, and the leaves start to change color (depending on your location!).  Here, in Houston, we kind of skip Fall and go straight into Winter (if that's what you can call it down here).  Things I do love about Fall include the crisp air.  We probably won't get any here until late October, but at least it might be here for a month!  It's also permissible to start listening to Christmas music - which is one of my favorite genres!  My mom refuses to listen to it until after Thanksgiving...which I happen to believe is too little time to enjoy the fullness of all of the great carols and hymns out there.

So far today, I haven't read anyone's post about Winter or Spring...but I'm sure it will come later when it gets closer.  As we start to transition out of summer and into fall (crossing fingers here!), I'm gonna have to say that Summer is my favorite out of the two.  Indeed, it's hot.  And you sweat.  But the days are long and the sun is out for much longer than any time of the year.  To be honest, it's the thing I love the most about Summer.  Or maybe Spring because I feel that Summer is coming...

Anyway.  What season do you enjoy the most?

A Weary Heart

Changes.

They're hard.

Sometimes, really hard.

They represent the unknown.

The uncertain.

Maybe they're good.

Or they could be bad.

They can make life go in different directions.

They cause people to change.

Maybe for the better.

But maybe for the worse.

They can cause wounds.

Physical.

Emotional.

Psychological.

People can be against changes...just because it's different.

It's not worse.  It might be better.

But their eyes are unable to see.

So, here, in this battlefield, change is just change.

And there is opposition.

Which makes "going on" even harder.

It makes one question decisions.

But upon further inspection, there could have been no changes.

Change is change.

And regardless of what people may say, it's not widely accepted.

If my position was held by anyone else, they would encounter the same opposition.

So it's not me.

It's just that I happen to represent change.

And it's hard to keep making myself believe that.

Moving on...

Today marks my last full day as a resident in College Station, Texas.  Over the last 5 years, there have been quite a few different experiences and memories created.  Here's my collection of pictures to show for it:

Freshman year:

I went to Fish Camp (and Impact).

I was the only one to witness my older sister's ring day.

I went on a few road trips.

I went on a blind date to the BQ Ball.

I turned 19.

I went to the HLSR to see Pat Green.

Sophomore Year:

I was an Impact counselor.

I went to the BQ Ball (not on a blind date).

I turned 20.

I became an Impact Co-Chair.

I went to NYC.

Junior Year:

I went to Impact for the last time.

I was an Upstream leader.

I went to China for the first time.

I got my Aggie Ring.

I found my best friend.

I went to China for the second time.

Senior Year:

I went to midnight yell for the last time as a student.

I stood next to one of my best friends as she married her very best friend.

I turned 22 and got whipped cream smeared on my face.

I went to a dance for my Aggie Ring.

I walked across a stage and claimed my very own really expensive piece of paper!  Thanks mom and dad!

After Graduation:

I went to China for the 3rd time, this time for 6 weeks.

Had some amazing roommates.

I turned 23.

I interviewed and got my first real-deal full-time job.

So there ya have it.  The last 5 years.  The years where I discovered great people. The years where I discovered my passions and desires.  The time when I became a person with a degree that might actually mean something one day.

The days that taught me what life is really about: the Gospel, community, and good coffee.  I'm just saying that this time has made me who I am.  It's a bitter-sweet "See ya later" to College Station. 

{Hello, unknown...}

Part 10: The End (or is it?)

This is the final part of my Germany Chronicles series.  Click the link above to read the first 9 parts.

My heart couldn't be ripped out many more times and still survive intact.

___________________________________________

After Matthias left for Germany, I knew that things were different between us. We had conversed about more waiting, something I wasn't really that willing to participate in. He didn't seem to worry about the massive amount of time it took communicate, albeit, we had decided to start talking more through emails because of my episode in February. And I felt like I had already told him the most important piece of information.

Early in this series, I mentioned in a fleeting comment about how impatient I can be. This situation is the ideal example of how much I didn't want to wait for the Lord to lead us together, if it was His will. I wanted a commitment; I wanted more than what I was offered.
So I started to pursue the option of dating Thomas. By the end of the summer, it was clear that I liked him and he liked me. After school started, things continued. We talked on AIM quite a bit (old school, right?!) and things seemed to be taking off in the relationship direction. But I still hadn't settled the situation with Matthias. I had no idea how he felt about me still. Becuase of his lack of urgency, I couldn't be sure that he felt even close to the admiration I felt for him.

By the end of August in 2004, I was certain of my decision to end it. "It" being a relative term, because we didn't have anything official. In an email, I told Matthias I wanted to send him a letter, so I needed his new stateside address.

I proceeded to write my version of a "Dear John" letter. I told him about Thomas and how I felt like things were going to work out and consequently, felt held back by our relationship. I explained how I had started to experience my feelings change earlier that year when I had been forced to break my own heart.

In my head, it seemed like it would have been easier to make a clean break than to continue this non-relationship-type friendship. Just let me tell you, it's almost impossible for guys and girls to be good friends without one or the other having feelings for the other. That topic will have to be another entirely different blog post in and of itself.

Before he actually received The Letter, he wrote, "To be honest I'm afraid it could be something bad, but I'll see..."

I felt horrible.  He already had a feeling of impending doom...

Nonetheless, I sent the letter several months later and he documented the actual delivery in an email to me. It also gave him a chance to express his feelings about the entire situation.

He wasn't surprised. He actually had been expecting it because we hadn't talked for a couple of months. He felt the same way as I did. Our relationship had lost its validity when we decided to wait. Overall, even though he seemed to accept everything that I had said well, he still seemed hurt. We had a lot of history, and I was still having serious doubts that it could be over. I had given him my heart. And then I took it back.

It was easier for me to move on from him with Thomas in the picture. 8 months later, I would question my decision to finalize the end with Matthias. I've been questioning it ever since.
_______________________________________

It's been almost 7 years since I first met Matthias that fateful summer in Germany. 6 years since we ended it. 5 years since I've emailed with him (just to catch up, randomly). 3 years since I found him on the German facebook site. 2 years since he found the real facebook, and we became "friends" again.

Looking back through all of these memories and diving back into old letters and emails has shown me one thing: a heart can't really forget it's first love. I still wonder what could have happened had I been willing to be patient and wait out the time apart. He had been considering moving to Houston to attend school there in order to be closer to me. We had talked about future plans...and mutually, we had agreed that during the time we communicated, the other person was equally important to be in the other's life.

In the present, would he still feel the same way? Or, because I have been single since high school, am I just trying to hold on to the past and not move forward? If we were to meet randomly, what would we say to each other?

Why can't I let go? Since I started doing this series, I've been asking myself what the point was...beyond writing about my own "Dear John" experience. The point? I'm not finished. I let go some time ago. But I'm not done with the story.

[This part might only make sense to Twilight readers: When I read the Twilight series about a year and a half ago, I could never imagine Robert Pattinson's face as Edward. It didn't fit right for me. I had seen the movie first, so it should have been easy for his face to magically make its way into the action in my head. But not really. Matthias' face was my Edward. It definitely took me a while to figure out why I couldn't see Robert, but once I saw that Matthias just fit, it was no going back. All vampire qualities aside, Matthias is my "Edward" subconsciously.]

When I finished Dear John, I was so mad at the characters. She had moved on, and was happy, yes, but always wondered about what could have happened with John. It frustrates me to know that this will always be my reality, not just a fictional story. I guess I will always wonder what could have happened and what might have been. If given another chance, and knowing what I know now, things might look a whole lot different.

But there's really no reason to think about what might have been or what could have happened. If things had worked out with Matthias, there's a good chance I wouldn't have come to the greatest college of all time.  I wouldn't have had some of the best roommates on the planet.  I wouldn't have met my absolute best friend of all time. I wouldn't have been able to experience my love affair with Chinese people. I wouldn't be who I am, who God planned for me to be. So, no, I don't regret anything.

But I will always love him, whether he knows it or not.

Part 8: Herz Brechen

This is a continuation of my Germany Chronicles series.  Click the link above to see the first 7 parts.


And that night, I probably most definitely dreamt of him and his voice.

_________________________________________________
November passed...

December passed...

We had ceased to talk through emails. It was better for us to "slow down" our long-distance relationship and only write snail mail.

Whose brilliant idea was that? Mine.

After hearing from him on my birthday, several months passed without hearing from him. Everyday, I would frantically search the mail in hopes of finding an envelope addressed to me. Nothing. For months.

This kind of waiting is different from all the other kinds I've experienced since then. It wasn't just waiting to hear from a good friend. I wasn't frantically searching for a message that just said "Hi." Or the familiar ring of my cell phone.

My heart was on the line here. All of it - even though Matthias didn't quite know it. I never told him how I really felt. We had been more concerned about doing things in God's timing than sharing our real feelings.

So now, as I look back on that time in my life...I have to wonder if things might be different. The impatience that I experienced at that age was rampant. After several months of waiting for a letter from Germany, I had pretty much given up. I was on the edge of believing he had completely forgotten about me...the girl who made his hands shake and made him wonder what was happening to him.

In his previous letters, he apologized quite a bit about not responding as quickly as he should have and making me wait for him. At those times, I had cared less. I didn't really have to wait that long to hear from him...and it gave me more time to read the letters several times a day at school. Obsessed much? Yes, maybe I was.

I remember the night I received his next letter vividly. I had gone to swim practice that day and went home to eat dinner. After dinner, my mom went to pick up the mail. When she returned inside, I was already upstairs, preparing to work on homework.

She walks into the house, closes the door (beep beep beep went the alarm system), and yells, "ERIN!"

I stopped what I was doing, turned around slowly, and went to see what the fuss was about.

Upon seeing she successfully got my attention, she said, "You have a letter from Germany..."

[Remember to breathe, Erin!]

I ran down the stairs at lightning speed, grabbed the letter out of her hands, and ran back to my room.

Before even opening the envelope, I had tears running down my face. It had been way too long! I had basically given up hope. The whole thing might as well have been a dream.

And yet, here I was, holding the proof in my hands that it wasn't fake. It was a reality.

With my bedroom door successfully shut, I eventually opened the envelope...to read the first few words...and then to start crying my eyes out all over again.

He was sorry that he had waited so long to write...again.

It was that winter night when things started to change. I had put my whole heart on the line without telling anyone, and I had to break it along the way because nothing had lived up to my expectations. The tears shed that night? My broken heart in pieces.  His letter acted as the final blow, without him even knowing.

But life went on...

We continued to be friends that spring and correspond...as I went to a military ball and then a band banquet with other guys who might or might not have been "interested." I was boy crazy, I tell ya!

School ends, and summer begins. Beach Retreat (BR) happens. BR is exactly what it sounds like: high school teenagers going to the beach for a week all under the name of a church. Beaching. Retreating. It all happened.

It was that year at BR when I met Thomas. Nothing happened at first. And then later in the summer, something started happening. [My life is beginning to sound like a soap opera, yes?]

Matthias and his fellow German teammates arrived sometime in June.

Before I saw him again in person, my stomach had turned into a butterfly mill. When I thought about him, I still had those flutters deep down. I couldn't rid them...and didn't really want to. I was so excited to actually see him and touch him (by this I mean hug!) and spend actual time with him.

The youth group was really excited about our partnership with our German friends. Everyone wanted to be involved when they were here. This fact maybe, kind-of, annoyed me. Half of these people didn't even go last summer! That was me being selfish and wanting the Germans to be mine. But sadly, I didn't own them, even if I wanted to. Hello, can you tell I was 17?!

The afternoon they arrived into the country, their first stop was the church. That's where I was waiting for him...butterflies and all. When they stepped off the elevator, I immediately found him and made my way into his arms.

He was still the blue-eyed blonde I had left last summer. But something was different. We had a history this time.
 
A long, detailed history...

On this Friday...

I slept until 9:30.
I ate breakfast and drank my coffee.
I checked email, twitter, and facebook.
I motivated myself to get started on the "closet purge of highschool-ness".

I found many amusing objects of my past today.

I want to share with you some of the finds:

These are my dad's.  He won it at a men's BBQ event.  And it ended up in my closet.  

Dried Corsages from high school events.  These two are from my senior proms (yes, I went to 2).

These are from various other dances (homecoming one year and a military ball and junior prom).

A Battalion from 2006.

It was about Dr. Gates leaving A&M.

A box of old "boyfriend" stuff.  This box seriously made a few giggles escape.  HA!

SAT study books.  Because every 23-yo needs these after college.

A newspaper from my mom about pharmacists.  She sent this to me while I was still in college - and it ended up under my bed in her house.  Irony.

Good ol' American Girl stuff.  These won't be going anywhere.  They are safely stored back under my bed.

Yes, my mom was concerned about the spiders in my mail box.  She was so considerate!  (sorry it's sideways...it wouldn't cooperate)

The big letter my orchestra buddies in Georgia made me when I moved to Texas in 8th grade.  Hilarious.

These were a big deal back in '99.  At 13, I wanted nothing more than to fill it completely.  Now, I'm tempted to just take out the quarters that are in there and use them...

You know you swam for 10 years when...you find 2 shoeboxes full of ribbons and another much bigger box devoted to trophies and plaques.

Who would've guessed I'm the proud owner of an iPAQ?!?!  Yeah, I don't even know what it does either.  Maybe that's why it was under my bed...

So there was my exciting day.  It's really funny how you have to make a big mess to clean things out and organize.  My back does not like activities like this...and I've figured out that I do carry my stress in my shoulders.  Does anyone want to give me a good back rub?!  

Nah, it's okay.  I'll just take my anti-inflammatories and lay around the rest of the night.  Now I just have to organize things to go where they need to go.

Any idea what do to with old school stuff?!  That might be the hardest question of the day.  Ugh.  

Oh, yes...to finish off my day, my younger sister L made an entire meal from The Pioneer Woman's cookbook.

Meatloaf:

Mashed Potatoes:

Mocha-chocolate brownies:

It was really good.  A good way to finish off an exhausting day...too bad nothing relieves back pain.

It's officially official...

Just moments ago, I accepted a head coaching position for a summer league swim team in Spring, a suburb of Houston. 

*SIGH OF RELIEF*

This decision is based off of the hope that I have in Jesus to provide different opportunities in the various seasons of life.  I know that this is His provision for right now.  The circumstances could not have happened in a more perfect way. 

About 3-4 weeks ago, my mom had mentioned that I should look for a coaching job for the time after my time at TTI is over.  It's temporary, but it's definitely something as opposed to the nothing that I had at the time.  Last week, I finally took the time to research the possibility of coaching after my previous boss and head coach informed me that she had her assistants from last year coming back for this season.  I researched...and there were a few options.  I chose one pretty much randomly, and emailed the team contact. 

We emailed back and forth a few times before I discovered they were only looking for assistant coaches.  It's not a bad thing to be an assistant - I've done it 4 times, with great experiences 3 out of the 4 times.  However, I kind of felt like I needed to look for something more. 

----Last weekend passes on by--->

I get an email on Monday morning saying that this team I had contacted no longer had a head coach.  Something had happened...and they wanted to interview ME. 

Um.
Gosh.
Crazy.
YES! 

I agree to meet with some of the board members this past Tuesday when I was in Houston for various reasons, and it went well.  I believe that I can work with them and communicate things that will need to get done.  Overall, I thought it was a great fit.  Then they said they would let me know by Thursday. 

Wednesday rolls around, I get up, go downtown to meet with my dad's boss about life, circumstances, and resume building.  There is still a potential opportunity...but I'm not going to talk about it just yet.  We'll have to wait to see what happens there.  I get to have lunch with my mom :) and on my way home, I get a phone call from the swim team.  It's Wednesday, not Thursday, and I thought I would get more time!  I tell them I can't quite make my decision yet - so he says he will call back on Friday (ahem, that's today).

After hanging up, I become really overwhelmed...and can't control the tears as they roll down my face for about 30 minutes.  I don't ever cry.  I felt broken. Lost. Overwhelmed.  Why is life so stinking hard? 

But now you're probably thinking this situation doesn't make sense.  This team is a good fit - and it's perfect.  Well, it's just more complicated.  I had to let go of my insecurities in my ability to do this job well.  I had to resign to the Lord that I KNEW He would take care of me through this whole ordeal.  I don't have a clue what I'll be doing after the end of June, when the season is over.  It's really just not something that I can worry about. 

Take a day at a time. 

So, after spending a lot of yesterday thinking, and praying, and spending time praying some more, I felt peace (and excitement) about the coaching job. 

When the team representative called a few minutes ago, I had butterflies in the tummy.  Now, I'm grateful to God that I even have this opportuity to share my passion of swimming with these little kiddos.  It's going to be a lot of fun. 

There ya have it.  I'm moving back to Houston sometime before April 17th.  There's a lot to be done before then...and I'll be sure to keep my piece of the web updated. 

Thanks for sharing in my excitement!
ED

Decisions

It's been some time since I've posted about anything serious.  There has been quite the windstorm of thoughts swirling in my head - and I can't even say I've been able to fully express them to anyone.  Not because I didn't want to.  It's the opposite.  I would love for the people who I am closest to understand the complexities that I've been pondering.  It's probably my lack of ability to fully understand these thoughts to be able to speak them aloud. 

In spite of my shortcomings, I'm hoping this post will bring some light to certain situations. 

Doors: things that we walk through all the time.  The ones that allow access to a building, room, car, etc.  But the ones that can also deny the ability to progress through said entryway.  Unfortunately, the doors that I've come across recently are all closed.  Journeyman: closed. Hands On: closed.  The hope of keeping my current job past April: closed. 

So where is the open door?  I have two months left at this job...and I can't  help but think, "What about me?" What kind of job do I look for? Grad School? Profession?

The thing is, I've never really nailed down my "career".  If all was according to MY plan: I would have graduated, moved to China, stayed there 2 years, then come back and attempt seminary.  Almost 9 months after my college graduation, I'm still in College Station.  So we see how well my plans have worked out. 

But that's just it: they shouldn't have been MY plans to begin with.  If I had been approaching the future like I should have been, I wouldn't have been surprised by any of these circumstances.  God would have shown me the correct path...and I wouldn't feel so lost now.  So that leads to direction.  When you're lost, it's definitely helpful to find directions.  Or ask for them.  DING DING DING! Light bulb moment here (well, not exactly right now, but earlier, way before I started posting this)!!

Right.  Asking for directions.  Wait for an answer...with no timetable.  Trusting it's going to be worked out the best way, because I don't really have any other options.  I tried to stay stubborn and angry and upset about all the doors shutting...and here, I can't do it.  It's pretty hard and energy-consuming to stay upset at the Creator of the Universe.  So here's the humility.  Here's knowing I can't definitely do this on my own.  Here's the brokenness that comes when you feel like nothing else could go wrong. 


I was recommended by Jenn to read this book: Brokenness, Surrender, and Holiness by Nancy Leigh Demoss.  According to Jenn, this author is extremely down-to-earth and talks about life in a real way.  None of that sugar-coated stuff.  The nitty gritty down and dirty.  So, now that I'm done reading Dear John (more to come on this disappointment in a later post), I'm going to begin the process of reading through this tough trilogy series.  As I read, my goal is to post about thoughts/feelings/lessons.  Stay tuned...

Responsibility

Yesterday, I was challenged to take a look at my life and evaluate the relationships in my life.  In all honesty, this challenge to re-evaluate couldn't possibly have happened at a worse time in my life. 

However, it's not really MY timing that matters.  It's not about me and my own selfish, petty desires at all...it's about learning how to serve God with my life through my thoughts, actions, and attitudes.  So it's all about God.  It's always been about God...and it always will be.  My life's purpose is to glorify Him.  This is where relationships and community make it or break it.

I want to share some verses that I've meditated on about community:

"And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.  Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4: 11-16

In these verses, it says that we are supposed to build up the body until each part works properly.  I'm not working properly, and I recognize the importance of being teachable.  As part of this life-long challenge, I am going to be stretched in learning how to be taught. 

I am asking for help in refinement.  I can't do this alone - I will need guidance and I need to know that when I'm wrong in my words, actions, and attitudes...I can depend on the body, my community, and my closest relationships to correct it. 

This is just the beginning of the process. 

cross roads

cross roads: the places where you have to make a decision. which road to choose? which road is right? which road will lead me to place i desire to be? which one will bring me closer to the One who gave me life?

so, then, most importantly: how do you choose? not only which one, but how about the process that gets you to the decision? isn't that part just as important as the road you choose? i decide it is. so now how do i go through this process? how do i decide which item should take priority in my life?

for several months, i knew where "the plan" was leading: go to class, study, pass classes, graduate, move into storage, go to o-week, prepare to leave for EA, GO TO East Asia. and then july 16th brings me here. i know it's now the beginning of august, but july 16th showed up much sooner than i anticipated and more than that, it just came and went. 2 days before, i was here:


i was happy. in one of the best places IN THE WORLD. a place of extreme majesty with beautiful mountains, and one the greatest wonders of the world built by man. so, fast forward 2 days, and i land in houston - thrilled to see my family. but houston? seriously? yeah. i know. it's not quite the great wall. it can't compare, not even in the least.

so begins the process of culture shock. sleeping late, trying to enjoy this freedom before someone tells me it's actually been too long to get over jet lag and secretly still hoping to be 13 hours ahead. reality. present tense. i live in it every day, and whenever i get back from the "East", i never want to transition. okay. right. you're thinking this: why not just live there? exactly. BUT there's more.

rewind. i graduated. amidst everything in the speed of life, college is gone. not really gone. i'll still be there. well, in the same town, but the bliss of having late classes and lots of free time is slowly sinking in as a reality. (don't get me wrong - there are lots of pluses here, too: not having to buy over-priced books and school supplies as well as not having to study. whoop.)

jobs: the necessary evil. i have to pay for rent, gas, insurance, bills, etc.; life and the expenses i accumulate are hitting me. and is this job supposed to be my career? not yet. i'm transitioning for a year - wherever that leads. so yes, i can still have both. work now, move overseas later. BUT there's more.

this last (little?) one i have no control over. but the older i get and the more i pursue Jesus, the more i realize how little control i have. so here, in this context, "control" is a loose term. i believe i said once (and now again) that the more independent i try to become, the more dependent i am on Jesus. to me, it shows my insignificance and the inability i have to make the decisions without being led into them. this is a good thing, though. i would be lost, literally, if i didn't have this dependence. it is my life.

oh right - so this last one. the third road. the one i can't pursue. the one i have to wait and trust that one day, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, it will come true. the love story. yes, Jesus is the ultimate love story. but where's the one he's planned for me? the gift of a man pursuing a woman in the image of Jesus and the church? sigh. not yet, it seems. and yet, at the same time, i feel ready. the next step. i'm looking - and nothing. the words that have appeared here don't even begin to describe the turmoil inside. it's not overwhelming, but it's not disappearing.

the tan i now have on my feet:

the reminder of the steps i took this summer. the number of times i stepped out in faith and trusted that Jesus would take care of what i needed and when i need it. how is life here different? it shouldn't be, a wise friend told me last night. the things i struggle with here are amplified there. i know this. i felt it. and yet, i can't take my clenched fist off this last road. i want it and desire it. but there has to be a point when i let go, right? it's kinda like the tan - it's not completely overwhelming, but it's not going away overnight either.

processes. they can take minutes, but some take years and entire transformations of surroundings to complete themselves. i'm still processing: trying to start working, letting go of the only thing i've known (school!), and the fact i'm not planning an event appropriate for a white dress. dependence while achieving independence. faith when it's hard to believe.

career job?
overseas work?
relationship?

for now, i'll remain at the cross roads.