Afraid of Failure

This week was the week of "lightbulb moments".  Seriously.  It was like every day I had an "Ah-Ha!" moment.  And I love these kinds of things.  It's like stepping out of a dream and embracing reality.  Okay, so that might be a stretch, but I still like these moments.  It provides a little more understanding into my life.

Some of these light bulbs were simple - like figuring out some sibling relationships in my young professionals group.  But others were kind of big.  Like why I can't seem to make decisions about future plans.  Or plans here and now.  I know that Jesus says to only look at today.  And I believe that I truly do that.

But there are other factors in life that require us to look a little ways into the future.  And it's these opportunities that I'm afraid of.

I already feel like I've failed before. Like not just a simple fail.  A huge, life-altering fail.  One that caused me to sneak into myself and become extremely hurt, bitter, and angry at God.  For almost a year.  I wasn't myself.  And I'm still seeking to find who God wants me to be through that experience.  I want to bring Him glory with my life - to make much of Him, not to make much of Erin. I'm done being angry.  I'm done trying to make my own plans and asking God to bless them.  It's not how His Plan works.

So how do I proceed and make my life worthy of His Calling? How do I make much of Him while pursuing opportunities that could be interpreted as making much of me?  Only He can really know my heart.  But I want to be clear that I'm not making decisions lightly.  And I can't stop hesitating to make sure my heart is right in these decisions.  That He would be my joy and not my own glory.   I'm working on this.  But it's not just gonna happen overnight.  There's a massive amount of healing that still has to take place.  And learning.  And growing.

Having my "light bulb" moment last night allowed me to understand why I'm hesitating.  I feel like I can't proceed because I've made future plans before and I've failed.  It sounds simple, but it's so deep.  The hurt and disappointment runs through the very core of me.  And I need my community to understand this.  It's critical that they see how much God has brought me through and how He is teaching me to seek Him above all else.   


I am beginning to see the bigger picture of how deep and thorough His love, grace and forgiveness flow.

Moving on...

Today marks my last full day as a resident in College Station, Texas.  Over the last 5 years, there have been quite a few different experiences and memories created.  Here's my collection of pictures to show for it:

Freshman year:

I went to Fish Camp (and Impact).

I was the only one to witness my older sister's ring day.

I went on a few road trips.

I went on a blind date to the BQ Ball.

I turned 19.

I went to the HLSR to see Pat Green.

Sophomore Year:

I was an Impact counselor.

I went to the BQ Ball (not on a blind date).

I turned 20.

I became an Impact Co-Chair.

I went to NYC.

Junior Year:

I went to Impact for the last time.

I was an Upstream leader.

I went to China for the first time.

I got my Aggie Ring.

I found my best friend.

I went to China for the second time.

Senior Year:

I went to midnight yell for the last time as a student.

I stood next to one of my best friends as she married her very best friend.

I turned 22 and got whipped cream smeared on my face.

I went to a dance for my Aggie Ring.

I walked across a stage and claimed my very own really expensive piece of paper!  Thanks mom and dad!

After Graduation:

I went to China for the 3rd time, this time for 6 weeks.

Had some amazing roommates.

I turned 23.

I interviewed and got my first real-deal full-time job.

So there ya have it.  The last 5 years.  The years where I discovered great people. The years where I discovered my passions and desires.  The time when I became a person with a degree that might actually mean something one day.

The days that taught me what life is really about: the Gospel, community, and good coffee.  I'm just saying that this time has made me who I am.  It's a bitter-sweet "See ya later" to College Station. 

{Hello, unknown...}

Responsibility

Yesterday, I was challenged to take a look at my life and evaluate the relationships in my life.  In all honesty, this challenge to re-evaluate couldn't possibly have happened at a worse time in my life. 

However, it's not really MY timing that matters.  It's not about me and my own selfish, petty desires at all...it's about learning how to serve God with my life through my thoughts, actions, and attitudes.  So it's all about God.  It's always been about God...and it always will be.  My life's purpose is to glorify Him.  This is where relationships and community make it or break it.

I want to share some verses that I've meditated on about community:

"And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.  Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4: 11-16

In these verses, it says that we are supposed to build up the body until each part works properly.  I'm not working properly, and I recognize the importance of being teachable.  As part of this life-long challenge, I am going to be stretched in learning how to be taught. 

I am asking for help in refinement.  I can't do this alone - I will need guidance and I need to know that when I'm wrong in my words, actions, and attitudes...I can depend on the body, my community, and my closest relationships to correct it. 

This is just the beginning of the process.