Decisions

It's been some time since I've posted about anything serious.  There has been quite the windstorm of thoughts swirling in my head - and I can't even say I've been able to fully express them to anyone.  Not because I didn't want to.  It's the opposite.  I would love for the people who I am closest to understand the complexities that I've been pondering.  It's probably my lack of ability to fully understand these thoughts to be able to speak them aloud. 

In spite of my shortcomings, I'm hoping this post will bring some light to certain situations. 

Doors: things that we walk through all the time.  The ones that allow access to a building, room, car, etc.  But the ones that can also deny the ability to progress through said entryway.  Unfortunately, the doors that I've come across recently are all closed.  Journeyman: closed. Hands On: closed.  The hope of keeping my current job past April: closed. 

So where is the open door?  I have two months left at this job...and I can't  help but think, "What about me?" What kind of job do I look for? Grad School? Profession?

The thing is, I've never really nailed down my "career".  If all was according to MY plan: I would have graduated, moved to China, stayed there 2 years, then come back and attempt seminary.  Almost 9 months after my college graduation, I'm still in College Station.  So we see how well my plans have worked out. 

But that's just it: they shouldn't have been MY plans to begin with.  If I had been approaching the future like I should have been, I wouldn't have been surprised by any of these circumstances.  God would have shown me the correct path...and I wouldn't feel so lost now.  So that leads to direction.  When you're lost, it's definitely helpful to find directions.  Or ask for them.  DING DING DING! Light bulb moment here (well, not exactly right now, but earlier, way before I started posting this)!!

Right.  Asking for directions.  Wait for an answer...with no timetable.  Trusting it's going to be worked out the best way, because I don't really have any other options.  I tried to stay stubborn and angry and upset about all the doors shutting...and here, I can't do it.  It's pretty hard and energy-consuming to stay upset at the Creator of the Universe.  So here's the humility.  Here's knowing I can't definitely do this on my own.  Here's the brokenness that comes when you feel like nothing else could go wrong. 


I was recommended by Jenn to read this book: Brokenness, Surrender, and Holiness by Nancy Leigh Demoss.  According to Jenn, this author is extremely down-to-earth and talks about life in a real way.  None of that sugar-coated stuff.  The nitty gritty down and dirty.  So, now that I'm done reading Dear John (more to come on this disappointment in a later post), I'm going to begin the process of reading through this tough trilogy series.  As I read, my goal is to post about thoughts/feelings/lessons.  Stay tuned...

Lessons of the Day

Things I learned today:

1. Oliver whines quite frequently when you are not focused on him 100%.
2. Oliver only settles down and sits when you sit with him. 
3. It's hard to do laundry with Oliver when he steals your socks.
4. Oliver likes to curl up in blankets.
5. Oliver is spoiled by his mom, Jules.
6. Oliver gets tired really early when he's out of his crate all day.

This is an older picture of Oliver from the fall.  That purple toy is now missing a leg...

Middle Child Syndrome

I'm a middle child and approximately 3 years away from either of my sisters.  On my drive to have lunch with my little sister L earlier today, I was thinking about something she mentioned to me around Thanksgiving of last year.

Our oldest sister, A, was coming to visit my parent's house with her husband and dog-child for the holiday.  It was going to be a family reunion of our immediate family - and L was concerned that as the baby, she would be merely forgotten.  She was convinced that because our parents don't have the opportunity to see A very often, the attention would be focused on the eldest.

Me with A

As a middle child, I couldn't even see how this could be an issue.  L's the stinkin' baby of the family - and she has my parents wrapped around her little finger (most of the time).  Maybe my perspective of being in the middle for about 19.5 years has allowed me to see objectively.  My parents don't practice favorites (or try not to).  The reality is that they get to see the youngest children more because of mere proximity. 

L and Me

Maybe I'm just used to being ignored, as the MCS suggests.  I don't hate it.  I don't believe I'm mistreated.  The middle is comfortable.  I don't really ever feel lonely...so I'm not completely convinced this syndrome even exists. 

There go my random thoughts of the afternoon.  Thoughts?

p.s. would it be too late to do a review of the decade/year?  I can't decide if I would like to partake of that trend...

My Poor Toe!

This weekend, I got to travel over 500 miles around the eastern side of Texas.  The main intent was to see these two handsome people get married:

(sorry for the blur)

Success!  Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Craig Jennings! 

On Friday night, I went to Dallas to stay with my sister and her husband.  Saturday morning, I walk from their kitchen table into their couch (ouch, there was definitely a crack there...) and into the kitchen.  This was a complete accident, I promise.  I apologize for the next photos...and the gross toe nails.  I need a pedicure badly (anyone want to help a sister out?!?!).

Saturday night.

Sunday night.

Back in the 7th or 8th grade, I broke this same toe.  And I had a cast up to my knee (growth plate stuff) for over a month.  Now look what I've gone and messed up.  According to my mom, I should never walk around barefoot because this is what happens.  Hopefully, the doctor will be able to see me tomorrow and i will know if it is indeed broken.  Until then, I now know not to wear 3" black heels for over 5 hours.  I will be the one limping into work tomorrow morning...how does a baby toe hurt so stinking bad?!

Again, apologies for the pictures.  It wasn't really my best weekend behind the lens...

Strange

today, i happened to be in quite a strange, but good mood.  there's not really a reason.  i woke up a little later than i would have liked, showered, packed for my trip north, etc.  normal things.

maybe it's because i got a medium vanilla latte at mcdonald's for only $3 (which, btw, tastes a lot better than starbucks, if anyone asks).  maybe it was the cold weather.  i got to wear my A&M fleece today because it was friday - so that was an easy and comfortable wardrobe selection.  katy and i laughed a lot on the way to work this morning...

and then i got off at 3 pm.  glorious!  ran an errand to bed bath & beyond - got this really nice looking man to check me out of the store.  went home, talked to jules, packed the car, got gas, and left town.  then here comes the funny part.  i made a couple of wrong turns along my route to I45.  hehe.  so i drove for about 2 miles down a dirt road (why i kept going is beyond me).  the pot holes in the road made me slow down a whole lot.  honda civics were not made to handle a dirt road with pot holes.  just saying.  oh yes, all this is happening and jesse mccartney starts playing on my playlist.  haha.  it was too darn funny to me.  i passed a few trucks and the men waved.  how great!  anywho, i eventually turn back when it looked like a dead end and figure out where i messed up - and finally make it to the correct road.  then i continue along my journey. 

i wasn't really excited about all the driving i've elected to doing this weekend (it's like about 400 miles or something), but once i got going, i really didn't want to have a destination.  it was really nice to be able to think freely and have something to do (focus on my driving, of course).  last year, i rarely left home...and it felt soooo good to get up and leave, if only for about 30 hours.  i'm actually looking forward to the 7+ hours i'm driving tomorrow.  on a normal day, i would most definitely complain.  but as i've said, today was not normal. 

the other thing about today is that the time has passed by so quickly.  maybe it's because i didn't actually wear my watch.  but today is no longer today - it's actually yesterday.  and today was tomorrow...and will soon be yesterday.  i'm thinking it's time to curl up and dream about how my brother-in-law made a video of me playing the wii while flapping my wings like a bird.  it's going to turn into a nightmare...

Truth in Grace

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." II Corinthians 4:9

"But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift." Ephesians 4:7

Last night, as I laid in bed waiting for sleep to come, I caught myself thinking about grace.  It's hard to grasp the reality of this concept.  It's a gift that we don't deserve.  We are not entitled to it.  But yet, we are "justified by his grace, as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.." (Romans 3:23). 

When I mess up, I want to fix it.  I want to punish myself for screwing up.  I know I can't actually do anything to correct things gone wrong...and I think I've realized this concept a whole lot more in these last few months than I ever have before.

I've never been Catholic and I've never actually been to a Catholic church, but I found myself thinking about confession and trying to atone for sins through actions.  Paul speaks clearly to Timothy: "[God] who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began" (II Timothy 1:9).  So I was saved for his purpose by his grace... 

This past summer, while in China, I was able to understand a little glimpse of what all of these verses really mean.  During a hard conversation with a team leader after I had crossed leader/follower boundary lines, I admitted to him that I've always been really hard on myself - I have been since high school.  At that point in my life, I strived for perfection.  I didn't want to disappoint anyone, nothing excluded.  It was in college when I realized exactly how unrealistic that expectation seemed.  But sometimes, I still manage to strive for perfection.  In my leader's wisdom, he started referring back to a time in his own life when he did the same thing.  Since he had become a Christian, God had showed him that in being hard on ourselves, we are saying the atonement Christ is not good enough to cover all of our sins. 

While I wrestled with this thought, the truth in it stuck with me.  Over the next few days, I struggled to conceive how to accept grace.  How does this conception happen?  Is it supposed to be immediate?  Is it a process?  It's a hard concept for me to grasp becuase I've been in a pattern of sin with my own atonement for many many years.  Jesus, how do I go about this sanctification process and truly accept what you have already offered?

Thinking about grace is quite humbling.  It increases my awareness of just how big God is and how small and insignificant I am - but yet Christ died for me, for my sins, for my atonement. 

I can't say that I've done well grasping the concept of grace...I'm expecting the Lord to grow me in this area even more.  I don't have a conclustion for this lesson; it may not be completed for many years to come.

Responsibility

Yesterday, I was challenged to take a look at my life and evaluate the relationships in my life.  In all honesty, this challenge to re-evaluate couldn't possibly have happened at a worse time in my life. 

However, it's not really MY timing that matters.  It's not about me and my own selfish, petty desires at all...it's about learning how to serve God with my life through my thoughts, actions, and attitudes.  So it's all about God.  It's always been about God...and it always will be.  My life's purpose is to glorify Him.  This is where relationships and community make it or break it.

I want to share some verses that I've meditated on about community:

"And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.  Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4: 11-16

In these verses, it says that we are supposed to build up the body until each part works properly.  I'm not working properly, and I recognize the importance of being teachable.  As part of this life-long challenge, I am going to be stretched in learning how to be taught. 

I am asking for help in refinement.  I can't do this alone - I will need guidance and I need to know that when I'm wrong in my words, actions, and attitudes...I can depend on the body, my community, and my closest relationships to correct it. 

This is just the beginning of the process.