cross roads

cross roads: the places where you have to make a decision. which road to choose? which road is right? which road will lead me to place i desire to be? which one will bring me closer to the One who gave me life?

so, then, most importantly: how do you choose? not only which one, but how about the process that gets you to the decision? isn't that part just as important as the road you choose? i decide it is. so now how do i go through this process? how do i decide which item should take priority in my life?

for several months, i knew where "the plan" was leading: go to class, study, pass classes, graduate, move into storage, go to o-week, prepare to leave for EA, GO TO East Asia. and then july 16th brings me here. i know it's now the beginning of august, but july 16th showed up much sooner than i anticipated and more than that, it just came and went. 2 days before, i was here:


i was happy. in one of the best places IN THE WORLD. a place of extreme majesty with beautiful mountains, and one the greatest wonders of the world built by man. so, fast forward 2 days, and i land in houston - thrilled to see my family. but houston? seriously? yeah. i know. it's not quite the great wall. it can't compare, not even in the least.

so begins the process of culture shock. sleeping late, trying to enjoy this freedom before someone tells me it's actually been too long to get over jet lag and secretly still hoping to be 13 hours ahead. reality. present tense. i live in it every day, and whenever i get back from the "East", i never want to transition. okay. right. you're thinking this: why not just live there? exactly. BUT there's more.

rewind. i graduated. amidst everything in the speed of life, college is gone. not really gone. i'll still be there. well, in the same town, but the bliss of having late classes and lots of free time is slowly sinking in as a reality. (don't get me wrong - there are lots of pluses here, too: not having to buy over-priced books and school supplies as well as not having to study. whoop.)

jobs: the necessary evil. i have to pay for rent, gas, insurance, bills, etc.; life and the expenses i accumulate are hitting me. and is this job supposed to be my career? not yet. i'm transitioning for a year - wherever that leads. so yes, i can still have both. work now, move overseas later. BUT there's more.

this last (little?) one i have no control over. but the older i get and the more i pursue Jesus, the more i realize how little control i have. so here, in this context, "control" is a loose term. i believe i said once (and now again) that the more independent i try to become, the more dependent i am on Jesus. to me, it shows my insignificance and the inability i have to make the decisions without being led into them. this is a good thing, though. i would be lost, literally, if i didn't have this dependence. it is my life.

oh right - so this last one. the third road. the one i can't pursue. the one i have to wait and trust that one day, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, it will come true. the love story. yes, Jesus is the ultimate love story. but where's the one he's planned for me? the gift of a man pursuing a woman in the image of Jesus and the church? sigh. not yet, it seems. and yet, at the same time, i feel ready. the next step. i'm looking - and nothing. the words that have appeared here don't even begin to describe the turmoil inside. it's not overwhelming, but it's not disappearing.

the tan i now have on my feet:

the reminder of the steps i took this summer. the number of times i stepped out in faith and trusted that Jesus would take care of what i needed and when i need it. how is life here different? it shouldn't be, a wise friend told me last night. the things i struggle with here are amplified there. i know this. i felt it. and yet, i can't take my clenched fist off this last road. i want it and desire it. but there has to be a point when i let go, right? it's kinda like the tan - it's not completely overwhelming, but it's not going away overnight either.

processes. they can take minutes, but some take years and entire transformations of surroundings to complete themselves. i'm still processing: trying to start working, letting go of the only thing i've known (school!), and the fact i'm not planning an event appropriate for a white dress. dependence while achieving independence. faith when it's hard to believe.

career job?
overseas work?
relationship?

for now, i'll remain at the cross roads.

Mazda Speed 3

i've never been the type of person to get really excited about a car...and then i saw a guy driving THIS car down harvey mitchell parkway, and i fell in love! i'm not this kind of person...but then i guess i just proclaimed that i am. my next car, ladies and gentlemen, is amazing. i'm super-pumped about the MazdaSpeed3. it's the best :)

Jeremiah

Just a couple of thoughts:

Jeremiah 29:11-13 is my life verse right now.

My God is bigger than this economy.

I live for nothing less than serving Him and only Him -- only He suffices.

My life has been ruined for nothing less than living to reach nations for His kingdom.

Katie's Style

i went for it. i decided against a "trim", which is what i always instruct (even after my drastic change this summer). this was the example of what i had wanted:

getting a haircut is interesting. it's not like buying a car or a house. each day, you have the option of making it look different and even over the next couple of weeks, it creates character of its own. so, here's a question: why do i always make a bigger deal out of these things? it'll be different in a few days and it will eventually grow out.

i took a picture and this is what mine turned out like:

it's different, and it will take me a few days to get used to it. but overall, it's really comfortable and hopefully, it will be easier to take care of. whoop!

thanks katie for letting me borrow your idea :)

Celine Dion in 2009

Celine Dion. Amazing voice, gracious personality, loved by all. I mean, really...Beauty and the Beast anyone? Adored by all ages - because I saw them all there last night. Celine Dion in concert. Awesome. Nothing more to really say.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and hope. Then you will call upon Me and come to pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'"

Recently, I finished reading the phenomenon series "Twilight". I am not saying that this series is phenomenal. In the midst of reading, I was extremely terribly frustrated; in the end, I wasn't satisfied. After searching and reading almost everything on Stephanie Meyer's website, I still wasn't fulfilled. I can't pinpoint these feelings: there's nothing about Bella and Edward that makes me want to be them. I can't fathom a world where anything so terribly unreal could even be considered legitimate. Harry Potter never did this to me. When the seventh book was done, I was content. JK Rowling could have her characters in her mind and I was happy with the way it ended. Meyer's perspective is different. I think it has to do with her writing style. As a reader, it was easy to get caught up with knowing what the characters were going to do (even though the only one I really appreciate now is Alice). This whole ordeal is very difficult for me to sift through. I think of myself as a internal processor: I need time to think through situations before I know what to do. I can come to great conclusions during a conversation, but I need to think things through. This blog is turning into my internal processor.

So, with saying all of that, I can't help but feel that there is a spiritual stronghold present. Meyer has declared on her website that she is a member of the Church of Latter-Day Saints, essentially meaning she's Mormon. And that's it. She claims that there is a correlation between her beliefs and these books. Mormons claim to be Christians - and therefore belief in Christ is enough? I think not. As a Christian, I can't see her faith in Christ in the books. So far, the only things I can perhaps work with on this point are this:

1. 
   
   In Twilight, Bella has the option to choose between good (avoiding Edward) and evil (falling in love with Edward). At this point in the book, there would be nothing to write about if she had chosen what was good for her. This is similar to Eve's decision in the Garden of Eden. The difference is that Bella didn't have someone telling her which one to pick. She had the opposite: Edward told her not to pick him.
   
   
   
2. 
   
   In New Moon, Edward sacrifices himself for the good of Bella's life. Wait, though: it doesn't do good. Christ sacrificed himself for us and it gives us joy - this sacrifice created the opposite.
   
   
   
3. 
   
   Later, in Eclipse, sensuality comes out in handfuls as Bella tries to tame her physical reactions to Edward's presence. As a young adult who has dated, I understand this moral dilemna. I haven't actually had a conversation quite like what Bella and Edward had in his room during a "kidnapping" incident. However, the fact that this said discussion had to occur disturbs me. The couple decides to wait until they are married - but Bella still secretly doesn't want to commit to Edward that way. As if being transformed into a vampire for eternity isn't committing? Come on girl! What are you thinking??
   
   
   

As I said, I don't understand where these things are coming from. I needed to see them in writing to verify what I know I'm trying to say - and I'm beginning to see the light (thank goodness!). In conclusion of this rant, I needed to prove to myself that Christ's light is different than the dark demonic "representative" shown in Twilight. I want to be done with this. Shake it off my hands. I need to distract myself: all those teenage girls need to be distracted. Life doesn't happen like this! It's never sparkles and dazzling. It just can't always be like that. There is happiness down the road - but eternity in heaven is so much more worth living for than this false ideal of a 'forever' with a boy. Boys can't fix everything (see post #1). Christ can only suffice, and thus my theme proves itself once again. EVERYTHING.

Welcome!

The urge to create a blog has interested me recently. What do people talk about? How do they keep up with others this way? What makes them want to submerge themselves into the lives of other people?

These questions as well as the many topics arising in my head to discuss have led me here to this place to begin this adventure. I don't really seek the approval of anyone in creating this extension of myself: I simply want a place to pour out the inner-workings of my mind for my sanity. Putting my thoughts into words might help me to reach conclusions I wouldn't have been offered otherwise.

Some people blog to keep family updated on certain life activities and some might have nothing better to do with their time than rant and rave about life's lemons. Others have different motivations that can only be explained as "personal". I think of myself falling into this last category. I don't have any specific agenda in beginning. I DO have a hefty list of things to do these next few months, so the reasoning is not for the lack of better things to do. As I've said, it's personal.


Sigh. Now, with all of that said, I believe it is appropriate to explain the meaning of the title. There is only one person that I can name who can fulfill every single need in my life: Jesus Christ. If you are still with me up to this point, I have to say: yes, EVERY NEED. love, joy, peace, comfort, knowledge, guidance, promises that are kept to prove the simple point of life. JC died for my sins. He saved me from eternal separation to the One who brings me life. Only He can suffice (anyone see a life theme here?!)