What a Gloomy Day!

It's about 61* outside and raining.  Gross!

I can't say that I enjoy this weather.  Because, honestly, I hate it.  When the sun doesn't have to get up and work, why do I?  Allright, fine.  I'll stop complaining.  I actually got up super early today to go walking with friends.  And it was good, productive.  Getting up at 6 on vacation?  I might just say we were crazy.  But seeing as it's the only time we could coordinate the three of us today, it worked.

But the frustration that occurred to coordinate such a time - just makes me want to call it quits.  With what, you might ask?  This friendship.

See, when I moved back to H-town in April, I was hurt.  Damaged.  Not myself.  Recently, I've discovered that I really didn't act like myself until just a very few weeks ago.  So for an entire year (almost), I was kind-of in a trance.  I acted differently, said things that normally wouldn't come out of my mouth.  On the outside, I was putting on a show.  But in private, let's just say I was pretty much falling apart.  Literally.  

God provided a friend who understood the hurt and disappointments I was trying to weave myself out of.  And He knew I desperately needed it.  But as I've found healing the last few months, I've discovered how frustrating this friend can be.  If friendships are about give and take, how much am I expected to give before I have nothing else?

Soon after I started to develop a relationship with my friend, she got engaged...and I was so excited for her!  I didn't realize then how hard it is for me to see friends get married.  It's not hard because I also want to be married one day.  That might have been the issue a few years ago.  But I've come to a place of accepting my singleness as a gift.  There's no pressure to "have it all together".  I'm not trying to say that married people have it all together.  But there could be a different expectation of a wife than of a single woman.  So I'll just simply say that I'm grateful for this time in my life to try to figure out how God is supposed to lead me and how to submit to Him well.  That's without the added submission to a husband.  Oh, it seems like I'm digging a hole here.  Sigh.

Moving on...

Engagements.  I've had many friends marry.  And several of them have invited me to stand next to them at the altar to hold them accountable - a true blessing!  But something is different about the way my new friend is acting in her engagement.  It's hard for me to figure out if she is just "like that" or if it's a phase she's passing through.  It's becoming exasperating trying to explain to her that no, he can't come when the three of us girls want to hang out.  It's meant to be girl time.  And no boys allowed!  But to no avail can I get her to understand.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that - is this normal?!  I'm not sure who reads my blog anymore...so I guess I'm asking an audience who might or might not answer my question.  But, to my married friends, was it especially hard for you to separate yourself from your groom right before you were married?  Or were you able to discern that it was your last little bit of time to be single?  Do you regret anything from your life as an engaged single person?  Anything you would do differently?  Am I being completely unreasonable?

These are things that I've been trying to think through. Thanks for reading and bearing with me.

Christmas is Over

Well, yes, the day is over.  And my sister and her husband left this morning.

And the things I'd planned on doing today?  Haven't happened.

There are a few reasons for my laziness.  First, I wanted to finish the book I had been reading.  So I guess I got that done.

But going swimming?  Going to the grocery store to get supplies for dinner?  Research for my book?  Not done.

After big events, I can't help but dwell on the memories that were created.  And want them to be re-done.  My older sister calls me "sentimental".  I just can't put a logical reason as to why I do these things.  It makes me immensely sad to sit here in my parent's house all alone (except for Molly curled up to my right, sleeping).  I have a really hard time being alone and purposeless these days.

Inevitably, my mind goes to thinking about singleness and how my life would be filled with such joy if I had a significant other to share it with.  My family likes to remind me that this happening would make me happy.

But saying that another person could sustain my happiness is false.  And it's this mindset I've been trying to fight against.  My life is not supposed to be spent waiting for something to happen with a man.  And yes, his presence in my life could create a certain degree of happiness.  But I will not sit around and wait for him.  I have a life - and it's supposed to centered on my Creator.  His presence brings the eternal joy.  Granted, most days I choose not to partake of what Jesus is offering.

The reason I don't grasp onto His grace?  Pride.

Other things have a factor as well, but if I was truly humbled, I would be completely dependent on Him.  I don't want to sit here and be cliche and say it's a new year's resolution.  Because it's more than that.  It's my new life change.  And I'm going to work hard at it.

As for today and my list of not accomplished actions?  I'll start with lunch and go from there...

Update

Don't worry and fret.  I'm doing just fine...just learning some tough lessons.

And the fact that I have 3 stinking tests tomorrow is just added to bounty of overwhelming-ness.

So, I know that I'm being vague, but I just flat out don't have time to dive into the details.

I could write a book about it.  And I might.  I've been encouraged by more than one person to do so.

But that's a whole other ballgame that I would prefer to just leave at that.  For now.  But I'm working on titles...and I'm excited about it.

Anywho,

Enjoy thanksgiving!  I know I'm looking forward to the Ags B(ing)THO t.u.!!!

Not What I Thought...

...and I think I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

I'm not quite sure how I got to this place.

But prayers would be appreciated.

And then we'll see how life goes.

I'm back!

I've been gone for a while.  But, I have many new thoughts and several things that I just have to release.  Since school started back in September, I have stepped back from blogging.  I just couldn't keep up with what was going on in other people's lives.  It was really hard for me to try to organize my own life into neat little posts that were concise and to-the-point.

Let's just be honest.  Life is not concise.  And when is it ever to-the-point?

So there was my defeat.  I seriously just avoided blogging because I didn't fit into the "blogging norm".  But blogging has helped me to realize some pretty important points in the past.  I don't want to lose it.  I just couldn't maintain it.

I've finally reached a point where I want to start sharing some of the things that I experience in school, life, amongst my friends (within reason b/c of confidentiality stuff), family, and my new singles group at church.  Oh yes, and my thoughts.

So this is the beginning.

Walls

this weekend has been a little difficult.  not in like the sense that something terrible happened.  or that any horrific news has come my way.  

but just in the sense of my heavy heart.  it all started when i had to make a decision to attend a "'geriatric skate" event with the singles group at my church.  

i seriously couldn't decide what to do.  

so, in trying to figure out why this decision was so hard, i figured out that i have a few things that have been festering.  

the main issue?  my lack of interest in putting myself out there.  to be vulnerable.

i have effectively built walls around myself.  i'm more content to stay home and read a book than to go hang out with a sweet friend that could be very life-giving.  i just can't seem to bring myself to do these things. 

these walls also make me a lame friend.  i never want to do anything.  and i would rather just be at home.  

unfortunately (or fortunately?), now that i've recognized this monstrous glaring problem in my life, i have to continually work on it and through it.  

i was talking with LS about this decision and her response was something along the lines of, "well, if you don't want to do anything, you're going to be alone.  and then in the next stage of life, you're not going to want to do anything again.  so then you'll be alone.  and essentially, you'll be alone forever."

how true is that?  if i don't build up my community in this new phase in life, i have only the few people that i've been able to keep contact with since moving in april.  

and just how many friends have i made since then?  not counting acquaintances and just including the people i regularly see and talk to outside of church is 2. T-W-O.  now i'm upset with myself.

the realization that i've been lame and become a new member and haven't been active and don't really want to be active now is harsh.  

it was my slap of the weekend.  

and let me tell you, it hit hard.

these walls, they're high.  and they aren't keeping me safe like they were supposed to.  i've hurt myself.  and now i'm upset with myself.  i'm still a mess.   

almost 10 months later, i'm an absolute mess.  and all i wanted was to feel safe.

The College Years

Recently, my younger sister L moved back to CS to resume her position as a college student.

Shortly after she moved back, I realized that this is the first time in FIVE years that I have not had the college student lifestyle.  And it's quite strange.

There are things that I don't miss.  Like having to think about what to make for dinner each week (even though I am asked for input at my parent's house) and having to grocery shop.  I'm super glad it's a joint effort around here.  And having to clean and change my sheets regularly.  I'm quite thankful that my parents invest in a woman who is quite skilled at leaving our home clean and fresh every other week!  I still do my own laundry and ironing, so not much has changed there.

BUT.  There are things that I miss.

Like these faces:

And living with these ladies:

And random moments like this:

And doing silly things like this in foreign places:

And having community with people like this:

And hanging out with her:

And being a part of moments with groups like this:

And crazy nights like these:

Going on roadtrips just to be girls:

Spending Friday nights just cruising around CS for no good reason:

And Having conversations with her:

I've just been thinking lately.  And reminiscing.  And enjoying the time that I've been given with all of these wonderful experiences and people.  Love you!