Freedom

That's not the title that I would have originally picked for a post about my MCAT scores.  But I can honestly say that this is the only word that is resonating in my mind.

Freedom.

Freedom from pressure.
Freedom to really follow God's plan.
Freedom to discover God's purpose in my life.
Freedom to see how His plan is going to play out.
Freedom from worry.

All day long (and really for the last month since I took the test), I've been wondering how I would react one way or another.  I decided it wouldn't matter either way.  If the scores were perfect, AWESOME!  But if the other outcome was a reality with scores lower than average, then I know that God was still faithful through the process of studying and preparing for this test.  I know that this process has been me living His Will.

How do I know that?  The proof that I'm not completely devastated with my lower-than-average score of 24O.  I want it to be a testament to how He has carried me through some of the toughest times in my entire life to get me in a place where I will continue to praise Him regardless of outcomes.

So, I have freedom.  I have peace. I have excitement to look forward in fulfillment of whatever God's plans might be for my life.  And I have faith, a stronger faith and belief in the King who gave me life than I've ever had before in my life.

Praise be to Him.  Because let's just be honest, I've done absolutely nothing in my lifetime to be worthy of the blessings He has bestowed upon my life.

I said that I would praise Him regardless of the outcome, and I can think of doing nothing else!

[MCAT scores are on a scale from 0-45, with 30 (my goal) being considered a good score to be accepted into medical school. The letter "O" after the numbers is my writing score.]

Do Not Worry...

we've all heard this verse:

"therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  sufficient for the day is its own trouble." matthew 6:34

so that's basically what my mom told me when i shared my anxieties from yesterday.

i liked her wording as well - "it sounds like you are borrowing tomorrow's troubles...those things are not on the agenda for today.  focus on the task at hand."

WOW.

it was a moment i needed.  it came late in the day - after struggling with desperate thoughts all afternoon.  worrying about the future - which is not mine to worry about.

she brought be back down to where i needed to be. (unfortunately, at that moment, it was organic chemistry.)

so this is an apology for the women who i might have scared yesterday with my "timer" talk.  i do not believe that as women, we are limited to a certain time of having babies.  if it's the Lord's will, He is the only one who can create that little life inside of you.  it is wholly up to Him.  not me.  not this stupid timer that i created.  there is no such timer when you serve a God as big as the one i do.

i'm sorry.  please do research more about high risk pregnancies, because the information is valuable!  if you have questions, i can answer them!  or try to, that is.

please accept this apology.

and please try to remember me in your thoughts/prayers!  the mcat day is soon approaching.

let His Will be done.

The Apothecary's Daughter

I'm reading this book.

It's a good book.  I'm enjoying it.  But I also feel like the main character and I are a lot alike.

Granted, I'm not the daughter of an apothecary.  And I don't have "suitors" or "gentlemen" pursuing me.

But I think I definitely identify with her frantic thoughts of "running out of time."

Keep in mind I haven't really had feelings like this.  I even had a friend recently tell me that I had this part of my life down.  It was easy for me to separate my desires of having a family because of my busy schedule.  My ambitions.  My independence.

And then it seemed that a lot of my good friends are married, getting married, or having babies.

This post might be a little cryptic.  But that's just kind of how it's coming out.

The point is this: I'm potentially pursuing a career that will take the next 9-10 years to train for.  In that same amount of time, I'll be considered "advanced maternal age" and the risk for abnormalities in babies begins to have a crazy effect on the statistics.  Today, after only seeing pregnant ladies in the clinic, one stood out.  She's my age.  And this is her 5th pregnancy.

Let me just say this:  I don't really want to be pregnant that many times or have the number of children that she has at this age.

But I do feel like a timer started.  And I'm feeling a tad desperate today.

I know that Jesus is bigger than all of these things.  He has put me in this place for a purpose.

There should be no "but" after that statement.

BUT, this afternoon, I do feel overwhelmed.  And this just seemed the easiest thing to express at the moment.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, friends.  I could definitely use some heavenly encouragement.

Every Day Battle

Spring Break.  I've had one every year since I've been in school - so maybe like close to 20 years now.

And I've always really enjoyed them.  I love getting the respite from classes and schedules to have a retreat.  In college, I used a couple of these breaks to go on missions.  And then I felt I needed another week of break to recover from my chosen plans.  The trips always exhausted me - but I loved them.

However, this year, I feel a profound difference in the break I had last week.

You see, every day of the week, I'm with the same group of 14 people, and then add the faculty and the hospital staff with whom we work.  The majority of these people do not know the saving power of Jesus.  There might be a handful of them who do...but on the whole, I'd say I'm constantly around non-believers.

This particular aspect of my life is completely different from what I've experienced.  In my grade school years, my friends were the ones who were like me.  In college, again, my friends and the people with whom I surrounded myself were pretty much always believers.

When coming back from breaks from school, it was like being able to breathe fresh air again.  I was able to reconnect with my community.  It had never occurred to me to seek out non-believers when I wasn't on a trip for that purpose. I know that I was encouraged to simply talk to the people next to me in order to share the Gospel.  But I knew those people, and they were believers, like me.  I just never had the opportunity, or that's what I told myself.  It's a devastating reality, I know!

Currently, I feel like I come back from breaks more refreshed and ready to tackle the task of representing Jesus to my classmates and fellow employees.  Last week was a retreat from the hardships and frustrations of some of my classmates who, sometimes, just seem to not like me because I'm me.  I've never experienced anything so exhausting and discouraging.

But today, I really felt a renewed sense of purpose when Spring Break stories were shared.  I was saddened by some of the things I heard - mostly turning to alcohol to cope with life.  Oh, Jesus, if they only knew how much better You are at helping cope with life's difficulties!  But I will continue to love these people who were put into my life for a specific reason.  It might become discouraging, and I will become exhausted again.  I've come to expect it.  But I have strong faith that Jesus will help me in those times.

This year, I appreciate Spring Break for the spiritual renewal it allowed in my life.  And I'm excited to see what the next 8 weeks bring!

Your Hand

On Wednesday, I wrote this in my journal:

"If You had told me a year ago that I would be applying to continue my education in medical school, I might have thought You were crazy.  I would have laughed.

But I look back on my journey and I see YOU.  I see your hand all over the journey - in the disappointment, the hurt, the rejection.  I experienced it so that I could get here.  So that I would have this sweet fellowship and not take the life you've given me for granted.  My eyes have been opened to where you have led me and from where I came."

However, today...I'm not quite feeling the same.

After taking MCAT practice test #4, I feel highly discouraged.  My scores have only improved a total of about 8 points since I've started studying.  In this moment, I'm struggling to accept the assurance I had just a few days ago.

Am I wrong about the path I'm supposed to be on?

not exactly a day to repeat...

Something monumental happened this morning while I was in clinic.  I knew that this day would come; I just didn't think it was going to be today.  But isn't that how things go sometimes?

These past 2 weeks, I've been on rotation at a high-risk Ob clinic.  A lot of the patients are diagnosed with diabetes, which is automatically considered high risk for pregnancy.  The risk factors for the babies are not as severe as say malformations, but they like to monitor the baby's weight to make sure the baby doesn't get too big.  So up until this week, I hadn't really experienced any anomalies.  

Because of health care laws, I'm not supposed to really give details on any of our patients in order to protect them.  

With that being said, our first patient for today was in the clinic because she has been diagnosed with a malignant carcinoma.  She was dated to be about half-way through her pregnancy.  But there was no heart beat.

And so I sat there in disbelief, watching the sonographer take measurements to figure out when the demise happened.  

I think I had been in denial that fetal demise occurs.  

So the doctor comes in to tell the patient.  

And I've never experienced anything like that.  

A mother finding out that her baby is no longer alive.  It's heart-wrenching.  Added to the fact that she has malignant cancer. Overwhelming.

Those are about all the thoughts I have about today.  

I think I'll definitely be good if I don't have to see that again for a very long time. 

Love?

Sometimes, I don't do a good job of being mindful of other people's feelings.  

It would be unfair of me to expect others to always be aware of how they are treating others.  

But how does a person who has been hurt approach the person who did the hurting and explain how the situation hurt them?  

The concept seems easy enough.  However, the execution is another story.

Today, I feel like I've been carrying a lot of pain around with me.  It's kind of a huge burden.  And it's reminded me of how much grace I live in every day.

Grace doesn't take away the pain.  It's definitely still there.  

I want to be able to extend grace to several people in my life.  I want to be able to live like Jesus.  Jesus allowed the people he loves to place Him on a cross to die.  

So when does the pain go away?  

Turning the other cheek really does allow for one to put death to self.  

I don't have the right to be treated a certain way.  

Jesus, help me to live out forgiveness without bitterness!

[sorry if this post makes no sense.  just wanted to voice the ache in my heart.]